I woke up today with a sense of confusion, followed by a sense of panic.
It’s not a new experience for me, but it is one that I find to be….hmmmm….frustrating, because it almost feels like my mind is deteriorating or something. I have been working a lot this past week and I’m sure I am dealing with some sleep deprivation and that is compounding the problems I feel and experience.
I look at my life and I am wholly frustrated with so many things. I’m feeling a constant need to change things and the attempts I’m making do not seem to matter. I can feel, taste, see what it is I want, but it doesn’t feel like I can ever get there – wherever there is. And today, when I woke, I felt confused about my life.
I felt confused, because I don’t have the answers to fix everything. But I feel an impending doom like a bad omen that never goes away. And then a sense of a rushed need to do something set in – a panic. An overwhelming sense of fighting to survive.
My old friend anxiety.
And the feeling went away leaving me that other feeling of depression.
And I have never felt so much like sitting in a bar and drinking until it all left. But I know it won’t go away. I know there is nothing that will change how I feel unless my life changes.
I need a change so bad. I need something to make me feel good.
I listen to others…this is all supposed to come from within. It’s all supposed to be self-generated, but I don’t know how to do it anymore. I can’t seem to achieve that sense of pleasure on life that I used to feel so readily when life used to make sense.
All I know is that I can’t drink enough. I can’t eat enough. Hell, I can’t even masturbate enough to make myself feel good.
That’s all I want is to feel good. I want a job that gives me the chance to get caught up on all of my financial problems. I want to feel like I have the time to enjoy life. I want to feel like I have the time to take care of myself. And I want to be able to feel like someone loves me. I want to be able to understand that feeling.
I feel so detached.
I feel confused.
And I feel like all of my thoughts are just a complete mess right now.
And I hate it. Gawd I hate it.