I indicated, yesterday, that I was having a tough week. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have not had a lot of sleep this week. I got caught up a little today. I feel better. But I’ve noticed, I’ve let some things slide in my daily routines – mostly as it relates to my alcoholism. I have made the decision to embrace what Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has been offering me for the past few years – a new way of living. Although, I have some apprehensions about some things, I have come to realize that when I’m involved in something like AA, my mind does not give in to drinking.
For example, I had begun to pray again. Something I have not done in many, many years. I had rejected any semblance of a God or Higher Power because I had a hard time thinking I was worth that kind of relationship (Not surprisingly, I have a tough time thinking I deserve any kind of affection or love). I faked any sort of belief around anyone that cared, because I did not want to face myself. I did not want to face my feelings, my life or my reality. I wanted to hide from it all – especially God – and alcohol seemed to provide me with that for a long time. But, this past week has seen me lose my commitment to prayer on a daily basis.
I admit, part of it has a lot to do with the change in my conditions – I was working at night and sleeping during the day. This messed up my perfectly crafted daily routines. To the point that I haven’t been attending meetings, haven’t called my sponsor, haven’t prayed, haven’t read out of the Big Book, etc., etc. I feel off-centered and I feel myself sliding – yesterday was a perfect example of that.
The nice thing is this – I can be okay not being perfect (OMG guys…do you know what a fricken epitome that is for me?!?!?!) because I know I’m progressing. I think the point I’m trying to get at is this:
I’m falling off, but I can get back on.
I’m 63 days sober today.