Falling Off

I indicated, yesterday, that I was having a tough week.  A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have not had a lot of sleep this week.  I got caught up a little today. I feel better. But I’ve noticed, I’ve let some things slide in my daily routines – mostly as it relates to my alcoholism. I have made the decision to embrace what Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has been offering me for the past few years – a new way of living. Although, I have some apprehensions about some things, I have come to realize that when I’m involved in something like AA, my mind does not give in to drinking.

For example, I had begun to pray again.  Something I have not done in many, many years. I had rejected any semblance of a God or Higher Power because I had a hard time thinking I was worth that kind of relationship (Not surprisingly, I have a tough time thinking I deserve any kind of affection or love). I faked any sort of belief around anyone that cared, because I did not want to face myself. I did not want to face my feelings, my life or my reality. I wanted to hide from it all – especially God – and alcohol seemed to provide me with that for a long time. But, this past week has seen me lose my commitment to prayer on a daily basis.

I admit, part of it has a lot to do with the change in my conditions – I was working at night and sleeping during the day. This messed up my perfectly crafted daily routines.  To the point that I haven’t been attending meetings, haven’t called my sponsor, haven’t prayed, haven’t read out of the Big Book, etc., etc.  I feel off-centered and I feel myself sliding – yesterday was a perfect example of that.

The nice thing is this – I can be okay not being perfect (OMG guys…do you know what a fricken epitome that is for me?!?!?!) because I know I’m progressing.  I think the point I’m trying to get at is this:

I’m falling off, but I can get back on.

I’m 63 days sober today.

20 thoughts on “Falling Off

  1. Good for you on starting to get comfortable with not being perfect! That is huge and I can completely relate! You will get it back, it sounds like you may need to find a new routine, if that’s possible – even in some small way or with even just one thing. My routines definitely provide a safe space for me, but I am also learning that I need to veer off the path occasionally so that I don’t grow to rely on them too much. I’m happy to hear that you know you’ll get it back, because you absolutely will! Happy 63 days!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m not so sure I’m comfortable just yet…lol…but I am getting there. I remember growing up, my mom would often say, “You’re your own worst enemy, do you know that?” I have this overwhelming sense of making everything right – to the point that I have to solve everyone’s problems and not just my own.

      But I’m moving in the right direction…I feel it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It doesn’t matter how long it takes and some of that may always still be with you, but what matters is that you are headed in the right direction and learning how to deal with it. I hope you have a good Monday!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. 63 days is a lifetime, isn’t it? And really, if you can do that, you can do anything, because those first few months are not easy.

    I strayed far away from church for a lot of years, but I’ve found this really cool God of my understanding. This God doesn’t judge, except to tell us we’re perfectly innocent. (It’s from A Course in Miracles.) This God is pure love and would never be someone we had to fear. He seeks out the “unworthy” to let us know we’re wrong.

    Glad I found your blog. You’re a very good writer. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh gosh…one of my toughest compliments to accept – being a good writer…lol. Thank you, so much for saying so. I’ve never felt it, but I do my best. 🙂

      I am finding more and more peace in NOT conceptualizing a God. I have often wondered if our own minds are constricting God to something less than what He or She might be. I’ve been attending AA meetings for quite some time and the thing I’m taking to heart is that I do not need to understand, but simply be open. That’s helping me in tremendous ways.

      Thank you for such warm comments! And feel free to stop by anytime.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have worked as a writer and editor for years and still don’t really consider myself a writer. It goes with the territory. One of my favorite questions to determine if you’re a writer is this: Is your credit bad? If the answer is yes, you are a writer. (ha ha!)
        Seriously, there is some correlation with right and left brain functioning, in theory.

        I’m with you completely on conceptualizing God inadequately. And I’ve found out that it’s something you seek to experience rather than understand. When I’m meditating, I can sometimes feel a really energetic presence and joy that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on around me. It doesn’t happen all the time, but still … it lets me know there is someone else in the room, but my senses just can’t pick it up in the usual way. Pretty cool, actually.
        I do ask for signs as well, and then I get bombarded. When I was still drinking, the signs were everywhere. “Stop the insanity!” I’m glad I finally listened. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I totally vibe the right brain-left brain functioning. It makes perfect sense to me, of course! I really liked what you said – “…it’s something you seek to experience rather than understand…”. I can accept that and relate to it in so many ways.

        Thank you, so much for your warm comments! I’m glad we’ve connected here. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. 63 Days is something to be proud of. I’m not completely familiar with AA but any life change is a marathon and not a sprint. You need to be kind to yourself. It sounds like you’ve realized some important insights, like how sleep impacts your resolve. Good self reflection is always a positive sign.

    Liked by 1 person

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