I WANT to be sober.

Today, I’m waking up with the realization that I hate my job, question my sexuality, wonder why I’m married, think my kids deserve better, cranky from being tired, financially strapped, bored with no hobbies to look forward to, feel old, and yet I am laughing and giggling this morning for no other reason than I am sober and I believe I’m going to make it another day.

Side note: I’ll be saying the eff word a lot in this post.  Jus’ sayin’…

I’m not gonna lie and say, “Life is wonderful sober”.  Truthfully, I think this is a misnomer and I always despise when people claim that they have found the fix for all of life’s problems.  What I can accept, however, is that life is BETTER, when you’re not drunk.  I can tell you, I haven’t felt this fucking miserable in a long fucking time and I think it’s fucking hilarious.

I can feel.

It’s fuckin amazing. It’s fuckin amazing that I can give a shit about things I used to just hide from. It’s fuckin amazing that I can formulate the thought, “I hate my job and I want to do something different. What can I do to make that change?”

I can sit here today and understand that my marriage has not been everything it’s cracked up to be. It struggles – although, truthfully, in the past couple of months, it does seem to have gotten a little better. But I can sit here today and think, “What the fuck can you do to fuckin fix it? It’s not all of my responsibility, but there are things I could do…”  I would have always tried to find a way to make her happy – even doing things that are not mine to do. I take ownership of other people’s problems and it’s a difficult place for me to express compassion without trying to fix something.  It’s what I know.

I can sit here today and think that I have made some mistakes in my kids’ lives.  Granted, I never abused them, never hurt them physically, but due to drinking I had been an absentee parent. Thankfully, it hasn’t always been that way, but when my drinking was at its worst, it was. They deserve better than that. And today, I can sit here and think, “Yup, you fucked up, but you can also change it.” That feels fucking great!

My sexuality?  Fuck it. I’m bisexual. There’s no fixing it, there’s not magical “Don’t be attracted to guys button”. This has been a life-long issue to me, even if it was subtle and a well kept secret by me for the entirety of my life. But what I do with my sexuality is a characteristic of behavior and nothing more. Granted, I’ve had sexual interactions with both men and women, but I have always wanted to be in a relationship and have always wanted to share my love as well as be loved. Who the fuck doesn’t want that? That’s completely fucking normal, right? Fuck it.  It is what it is.

There are so many things I’m feeling right now that tells me to give up to have a drink, because nothing matters, But maybe everything matters, maybe everything is important to me. Maybe it’s in dealing with these things through something greater than myself that the victory over life is achieved.

Last night, I made a post saying it was my 63rd day of sobriety – time gets away from me sometimes, but…

today is my 63rd day of sobriety.