Anyone that has attended Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings are going to become aware of the phrase “…restless, irritable, and discontented…”. It is the warning to alcoholics that these feelings are the predecessor to the phenomena of craving. Often times, these feelings are tied into the concept of resentments and alcoholics deal with resentments by making amends to those people they have harmed in some way. And I accept it, and truly believe these things are wise warnings, but I’m feeling something today that I want to add to the emotions and feelings that lead to cravings: regrets.
Yes, regret is that feeling we get when we make a decision to pursue one path and then come to find out it is not the path we should (Gawd, I really at this word “should”) have taken. Maybe this feeling is a subset of discontented or a cause of resentments, I’m not really sure. But I am feeling one massive dumping of regret today. I am looking at where I am again – my career, my finances, my decisions to sacrifice things I love in order to make other things in life work and I’m feeling pissed off for trying.
I do not like this feeling of regret. I do not like feeling like I should have made different decisions in life, because I feel stuck. I feel stuck and I’m really having a tough time seeing what I can do differently to change my situation. Believe it or not, even as much bitching and whining I have done on my blogs the past few years, this is not the person I believe I am. I am typically a positive and optimistic person and feeling like I have nothing but regret in life just sucks. I don’t like it and I want something to change. I believe I’m intelligent enough, I believe I’m driven enough, but I feel stuck by so many things right now and I don’t know how to make things work in my favor and I don’t know how to find that sweet spot in life that allows me to thrive.
I’m going to stop here. I just feel my frustration boiling over to the point that I’m becoming inarticulate.
But I’m still sober…