From Within?

I’ve often heard that happiness and feeling good comes from within.

I used to believe that.

I can’t say that I believe that anymore. For quite some time, I have been fighting the onset of another depressive episode – holding out that I can somehow convince myself to be happy. I know all of these things to do, all of these “better ways” that have been suggested and tried. Nothing sustains me anymore.

I feel like my attempts mean nothing.

If happiness comes from within, then why can’t I find it?

Where the fuck is it?

I’ve looked inside my being. I’ve looked inside my heart. I’ve looked inside my soul. The only thing I find is complete anger, complete self-loathing, and complete self-deprecating thoughts. I don’t act on the thoughts, but they are there. They are always lurking, always overpowering anything else. I feel like anything that can, remotely, be viewed as happy is swallowed up by some sludge – a putrid, oozing, sludge of crap that exists within me.

I can’t find peace.

I no longer know my place. I no longer understand my responsibilities. I no longer comprehend a purpose. I’m tortured by expectations – real, perceived or whatever. I can’t seem to find a way to connect to people any more. I feel detached.

I sought comfort in things that might have been good in moderation – food, drinking, sex, spending money, etc. I looked for ways to make myself feel important – a career, a hobby, a cause of some sort. I looked for something, anything…

But I just don’t know that anything good comes from within. I can’t find it.

I don’t even know that I can write about it anymore.

Haven’t I said enough?

33 thoughts on “From Within?

  1. I agree with the volunteer work. I think that it give you a sense of accomplishment, give you mind something else to focus on, and change your routine.
    You are in a rut. At this point changing your job isn’t an immediate fix. Volunteering is something that you can do that doesn’t cost anything and may at the same time open more opportunities for you. You never know who you are going to meet or what path you will cross.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. 😊😊😊
        Although I do understand that it is hard want to do something out of the norm when you feel blah and have no motivation.
        I truly believe that you have a lot to offer and someone would benefit from that.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not alone, I feel the same way. I know it’s a phase but when does it end. Everything you are saying, is what I feel. You just have to keep challenging yourself and hopefully you can find what makes you spark again. I’ve tried medication and it just got be worse. I’ve tried exercising and that helped lot but something always happens when I begin to feel good about myself. Surround yourself with people with good energy, that’s what I’ve noticed that has helped me. I hope we both can get out of this shit hole. Lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you can relate. I’ve also tried pills before, and they did not work at all. I love to exercise, but I never feel like I can do it regularly.
      I guess on some level, although I want to give up, I won’t.
      I’m just not enjoying life right now and I don’t like that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There are many medications and they do take time to work.
        My own experience is about 3 weeks after I started taking them I woke up and it was like the coins had parted and I could see some light ahead. And I suddenly believed I might be ok.
        After YEARS of just existing. I thought people who were happy or content were liars.
        But it’s there. I needed the medication to help me find it.
        I exercise. I eat well. I meditate I take care of myself. But I need the medication to even begin to do the work.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel the same way. I can’t find it. I don’t believe it’s in me anywhere. People will tell me that’s the problem… I don’t believe it’s there. But believing it doesn’t make a difference. I’ve tried that. I’m sick of trying the same things over and over with no benefit. But I also can’t seem to try anything new because I’ve lost all motivation to do much of anything.

    And also like you said, sometimes I don’t know if I can (or should) write about it anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The writing, sometimes, seems to be a trigger all on its own. And belief is such a fickle word…I have this long standing “belief” that knowledge and belief are two different things and it is hard to prove belief, whereas facts are easily provable…but then again, that has a lot to do with the “fact” that I see things in black and white and have a difficult time seeing in greys or colors…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry.
    Depression is real. It covers all the good internal work with a black cloud.
    I wish I knew the secret to making it go away. Medication, sleep, being gentle with myself and doing less help.
    I have tattoos on both arms meant to remind me that even when things become pointless and black I know the sun is there. It’s just hidden.
    But it’s very very hard to believe.
    Please see your doctor.
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m nervous about seeing my doctor. I have this thing about medicine…it’s silly and stupid, but it’s there.
      What if they think I’m completely nuts and want to lock me up? How would I ever be able to take care of things then?
      The thought really kind of terrifies me..

      Like

      1. My thought is that medication helps me avoid the potential that I can’t cope and things fall apart.
        Living with depression is very hard. I still have many hard days. I think without medication my life would suffer.
        There are some natural remedies that people have good results from. St. John’s wort, rhodilia, gaba.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Okay…
        Here’s the thing. I think, deep down, I KNOW I need medication. I have had therapists suggest it, family members suggest it and enough people I’ve whined too suggest it, that I think there is ample evidence I should…
        …but it scares the hell outta me and I don’t really know why.

        Like

      3. If scared the hell out of me and I refused any consideration of anti depressants for years.
        In 2014 I surrendered to it all and decided to just try it. I was so done with life.
        I only planned to take it for 6-12 months, but I now see I will probably need it indefinitely.
        I think I have found peace with that.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I admit that I used to think people taking antidepressants were taking the easy way out.
        I know now that I was wrong.
        It’s a hard choice. But some of us need to do what’s best for us. For me, that was medication.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. “…complete anger, complete self-loathing, and complete self-deprecating thoughts…” I think that once you’ve addressed where the anger is coming from, able to love who you are and keep the self-deprecating to a minimum, then happiness returns.

    Liked by 1 person

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