Depression and sex.

After being slightly more than a couple months sober, I assumed any/all influence of alcohol on my mind and thinking would be gone. Yesterday’s overly depressive whine demonstrates that my thinking isn’t good and that it’s not healthy for me at all. Today, I wake up with a couple of things on my mind – my mind and sex (but not quite the way you might think). I feel like there are some things I need to utterly change about myself to ever feel better, my mind being the primary thing that needs an adjustment.  Sex is bothering me today and I have some negative feelings and attitudes about it today.

I thought about my attitude yesterday and how much of a defeatist I was acting like. I don’t like it. I don’t want to give up and I don’t want to think of myself as a failure, but I always feel like my thoughts are a kazillion different places and no longer has a grasp of prioritizing the most important things. I have this inherent sense of panic that if I don’t manage everything with which I am associated, that everything will come tumbling down. I feel like there is this tight rope I’m walking all of the time and it’s exhausting, and then when the stress becomes too much, I devolve into the sniveling mess I was yesterday. It doesn’t serve me to think like this and it doesn’t serve me to feel like a complete failure and horrible human being. But I do. I feel like I’m failing myself, but worse I feel like I’m failing those that depend on me.

As I think about this, I think about a fear I have. I fear disappointing people that love me or that I love. I grew up, constantly worrying about disappointing my parents, and I extended that to school and worried about disappointing my teachers. Of course, I took that into college and eventually the work place. And finally, getting married and having kids, it horrifies me to think I could ever be a disappointment to my family. And then, when I feel like I have failed, I feel like I’ve disappointed myself and I become somewhat (that’s a lie…I’m really self-destructive, I’m an alcoholic, remember?) self-destructive.

I’ve always struggled with being “okay” with myself. There was a time, when I felt “bigly” (bad joke?) confident and thought my self-esteem was healthy.  I felt like I knew how to handle life and I knew how to achieve and I knew how to achieve and so on and so forth; but, that now seems so foreign and so distant in my past.  Someplace, I began to self-ridicule and criticize myself in unhealthy ways – I refer to this self-chastising voice as Hilda. I try and keep her at bay, but she has a habit of coming out when I don’t like it. I know yesterday’s depressive episode was a fluke, but it’s a fluke in its display and not in its existence. Hilda seems to be a part of me, a part of me that doesn’t leave. I don’t like her.

Sometimes, however, I hear a different voice (okay…let me stop a moment: I don’t ACTUALLY hear voices, I’ve decided to personify some of my personality traits, because they become easier to understand when I do that. Please don’t think I’m looking down upon people who do hear voices, but I felt the need to clarify this). This other voice is constructively critical . A voice that tells me how to correct myself in a way that is beneficial to me and others.  But I can’t always tell the difference between Hilda and this voice. This is the case today as I contemplate sex, my sexuality and the sexual things I’ve done in my past.

Today, I feel almost disgusted with myself for having started down the path of explaining all of my sexual activities again. I mean, on the one hand, I feel like understanding it for myself is important, but on the other hand, I think it has the quality of exploitation of me and putting the most intimate parts of myself on display for the world to see. I think about the ways I might be influencing someone else in a negative way – what impact will my words have on another human being. I begin to wonder if my sexuality has been self-serving – was I seeking my own pleasure or was I trying to engage in a loving act of sharing between myself and another person. I have done things that I am not proud of doing. I have done things that might seem to lessen my human dignity to some and I have done things that I’m not sure are okay or not. Of course, as I begin to become more sober and engage in a relationship with a God of my understanding, I begin to contemplate if I am acting or behaving in a way that is conducive to God’s supposed plan for all of us. And ultimately, does any of it really matter? I don’t know if I can answer any of these questions, I don’t understand right nor wrong when it comes to sexuality and I realize there is a wide view in society on the matter where it goes from one extreme to the other and the overwhelming majority of people are somewhere in between.

These are my thoughts on this 67th day of sobriety…

35 thoughts on “Depression and sex.

  1. I know I have been away dear princess and I might be out of touch with why has been going on in your life, but I always hear you. I can relate in many ways and being overwhelmed here in Germany with all the things that have been happening. You know how I feel about you and I see that you are still holding the bar pretty high for yourself. Your expectations borderline impossible demands, perhaps goals you can’t achieve and therefore set yourself up for failure over and over. Your true friends will love you for who you are and it is not your responsibility to carry everyone’s happiness. What about yours? Who is carrying yours? You’re right it was just a moment that passed, but please please give yourself a break and remember all the good you have been doing. Alcohol will always be a part of your life and as an alcoholic you will always miss it, but dang, look at what you achieved so far. Congratulations my friend, I’m beyond proud of you. Sending much love and light your way. Xo

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    1. You have a way of calling me “princess” that just puts me at ease. I appreciate you in so many ways, my friend. I completely understand you’re needed in Germany right now, and I see your posts, but I don’t want to interfere with where you’re needed most. You are amazing!

      But I hear you, and you’re right…I’m not worrying enough about my own happiness, but it has a lot to do with the fact that I just don’t know where to find it right now. I have faith though, that it’s there and I’ll find it.

      Thank you, as always! ❤ 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. And you have a way of talking to me that always leaves a smile on my face. You’re a special my friend and I recognize you in your fight and in your purity. Your big heart always shines through, even when life is tough and gives us lemons. You’re important to me and I hope you know. Germany is demanding right now but I’m always only a thought away and you should know that you never bother me. It’s seldom enough to find a connection so sincere and feel comfortable with the other one. It would a shame to hold back because of not wanting to bother and interfere. You are fabulous on so many levels and I thank you for letting me be a part of your journey.
        Happiness is already within you and you won’t need to look far. It’s a big gamble that place your happiness into the hands of others. It will always leave you vulnerable and most likely hurt. Your depression, in part stems from things you are not happy with. Maybe if you can isolate those things and work on one thing at a time, making slight adjustments after figuring out what they are, perhaps it will be then that you will see your happiness grow to a more noticeable size within you.
        Love you sweet princess. I know you got this and you are powerful. Strong, yet full of heart. ❤️😉

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  2. I was diagnosed that I’m bipolar and I’m not accepting that diagnosis because I don’t feel that I am, but when I’m under a lot of stress, I think I do become bipolar, someone is messing with my mind and trying to control how I think or do. I have to talk to myself and remind myself that I’m not that person, but part of me wants to become that person.

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  3. Disappointment is hard feeling to overcome. When I was young my parents didn’t believe in punishment they simply told me if my choices disappointed them or not. It was the most horrible feeling in the world. I’ve had to deal with it extensively as an adult, to overcome it. It has taken me many, many years to accept that it doesn’t matter if I disappoint someone. Just because my choices are their choices doesn’t mean they are wrong.
    The problem with not wanting to disappoint anyone is that we spend so much of our time accommodating and pleasing everyone else that we forget to take care of ourselves. We lose who we are or we have never given ourselves a chance to be who we were meant to be.
    So just remember….Just because its not right for someone else doesn’t mean its wrong. That goes for your sexuality as well. As long as its consensual then anything goes.
    And never feel wrong about what you write about. Its your right as owner of this page to write about whatever the fuck you want to. People have a choice, they will read it or they won’t.

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  4. You are exactly where you need to be in recovery. I’m not sure how long you saturated your brain but it takes time to dry out, so to speak. Your thoughts will rarely be clear for the first year. Be patient with yourself. You are being too hard on you. Relax and quit thinking or if you have to think, think of your progress. Have you had a drink today? No! And that my friend is a huge accomplishment.

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  5. “I don’t understand right nor wrong when it comes to sexuality…”

    I’d say that you do understand it, just like everyone else does… it’s just that many of us don’t agree with the things said about sexuality that’s right, i.e., be nothing but straight. Now, one can believe this (and as religiously stated), or you can believe what you know, what you’ve seen, and/or what you’ve done.

    When people start talking about God’s Plan and trying to figure out what that is, the question I ask them is, “How do you know that what you’re doing isn’t a part of God’s plan for you?” – and the question is valid since we, as mere mortals, are not to know the mind of God. And, my friend, you demonstrate a conundrum I’ve seen in a lot of people when wracking their brain about God’s plan: A lot of headaches, much frustration, and winding up with more questions that “answers” and this combination is usually enough to make most people stop thinking about it and accept that it is what it is – then move on to more important and immediate matters, oh, like continuing one’s string of staying sober, for instance.

    Over sixty-seven days of sobriety – I’m so happy to hear this so keep up the good work on this but as I’ve said to you, stop beating yourself up over the sexuality thing – it’s pointless and, as opined, could very well be part of God’s plan for you… you’re just never gonna get any confirmation on this one.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, as usual. You’ve done things before and you liked most of them; you wouldn’t mind doing some of those things again but it’s a matter of priorities and other things in your life have put doing those things you’d like to do further down on the list than you’d like them to be and it’s frustrating and has you questioning things that most people do question… and, eventually, stop worrying about it: It just is what it is and common sense says our time would be better spent not worrying about the things we can’t do anything about because constantly doing this makes us get stuck in place and, as such, unable to move forward like we should be doing. The amazing thing is that we know that we shouldn’t get stuck; we quickly learn that being stuck in place and spinning our wheels doesn’t make a lot of sense and that, with some assistance, we need to get unstuck and get moving again… except some of us get pulled out of being stuck… and jump right back in to get stuck again.

        And you know I’m the guy who’ll ask you why do you get pulled out of the places you get stuck in… but turn around and jump back in so you can be stuck again and more so when I know that you know that doing this makes zero sense.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. There are so many thoughts. Too many are negative and unnecessarily so. Is there some way you could alter your perceptions, perhaps a CBT therapist? I haven’t met you but when I am depressed I have very similar thoughts. Everyone who knows me would say that I am a very nice lady – my perspective is really skewed. Bravo for continuing to blog and I hope it is therapeutic.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey and I totally loved your post. I just started a new blog and if your interested come check it out. It’s a bit bold, sexy and fun. A page for women to read some short erotica stories I wrote. Let me know what you think if you check it out it’s new and a bit different. Thanks 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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