Today, on Twitter, I was referred to as “sweetness” and I felt, oddly, comforted by the sentiment. I also have a very good friend here on WP that refers to me as her “princess” and I like that too – she has just a way of saying it or using it at the appropriate times that puts me as ease from a lot of my stresses. I have a friend on WordPress that calls me Steph or Stephanie (I’ll blog about the origin of this name sometime). The other day, another WordPress blogger had called me “lady”; though, I don’t know that she realizes I have all the outward characteristics of a male. Obviously, these are all terms that have feminine characteristics to them.
What is my point? Well, I like them. I find comfort in them and have never really understood why. I used to care, I used to take some sort of opposition in things like that to prove my masculinity. And trust me, there is no mistaking me for a man…at least, physically. I exhibit male characteristics and have always behaved in ways that are typically considered male. But I have a feminine side to me that I have always tried to suppress and hide as if it were something dark and wrong.
I have always felt like I have a strong feminine side to my personality that is there. For those of you that used to follow my last blog, you are already aware of Stephanie. Stephanie was a feminine alter-ego I adopted for a brief time. I identified with her and I could see myself exemplifying a certain image I had in my mind. I spent a lot of time trying to understand this part of myself – almost to the point where I thought, if only briefly, that I might have some sort of gender dysphoria or something. But I have let go of it.
Actually, I like being a man, but I like identifying with some of my feminine personality characteristics too. I used to find so much frustration, for years, in going out of my way to prove my manliness, and those efforts were probably pathetic and I’ll explain why in a moment. But, as manly as I felt I wanted to be, I believe the real frustration is denying those parts of me that identified with femininity. And for a brief time, I embraced it in ways I’m not going to discuss here, but I will in other posts sometime.
The reality is this: Regardless of what the standing social implications are, I believe to my core that there are only two genders – male and female. By scientific definition, they are described with chromosomes – either XX or XY. Now, I’m not going to make the claim that there isn’t genetics involved in gender identity or anything like that, because the proof has not been made one way or the other yet. And I do believe that behaviors are societal constructs that can be changed – but the biologically, almost everyone has either XX or XY chromosomes. I accept this (although, I’m open to the reality of biological anomalies).
And with that being said, I am male. But I take comfort identifying in some feminine characteristics…