Today, I woke up feeling a little better than I have the past couple of weeks. I still have some negative feelings about myself that I just can’t seem to shake. I’ve also noticed that I have let go taking care of something that I know are beneficial to me and will only help me feel better. I have a few things in the works that I have dropped the ball on, due to my obligations at work, but most importantly I have not been taking care of my health, nor maintaining good sober habits. I’ll get back to them.
Work has been particularly hellacious lately – I might have mentioned that a time or two. And because of that, I had some personal tasks set aside that I wanted to accomplish, but have not been able to. Honestly, I’ve lost motivation on a few of these, but they are thine kinds of things that I need to get done to improve my situation and eventually get me out of the job I’m doing. They are important, but my energy level and motivation have been crushed this past week. Granted, I’ll get back to them, but I hate the fact that I now feel overwhelmed by what I need to get done.
Also, I have let me attention to my health fall to the wayside. Last night, I was feeling particularly fat and I hate that self-deprecating feeling. Once you have it, it is difficult to shake. A few weeks ago, I was ultra-focused on eating right and trying to improve my activity level. But over the course of the past couple of weeks, I have felt nothing but stress and as a result, I know I began eating horribly. I also have lacked the necessary amount of sleep and have certainly had no physical activity. It makes me feel bad about myself. I don’t like it.
I hate to mention it, but I have done very little to improve my thinking, habits and behavior with respect to my sobriety. Granted, I’m not drinking, which is good, but I am not doing the things that my AA sponsor has asked me to do. I have not been to a meeting in almost three weeks – granted, it is mainly because my job is away from home in a remote location. But I have not listened to any AA speaker podcasts, because I lacked energy. I have also not read out of the Big Book at least once per day and I have not maintained contact with my sponsor. Also, I have not been praying much, and I feel like my attitude is darkening because of it. It’s frustrating, because as weak as it sounds, I still feel like I’m susceptible to craving and temptation.
But, as I consider all of these things, I take a step back and think to myself, “You’re only human.” So, I realize things aren’t perfect right now and I know that I can’t meet every demand I place on myself, I suppose I understand that I’m doing my best. What I don’t like is that I get down on myself, I don’t like that I reach into the bowels of negativity and pull out the largest lump of crap as my reference to how I feel about myself. This is the one thing I’d like to stop, if anything.
But I believe I can get there.
I’m still sober, another day.