“Do you believe in God?”

This past Sunday I relapsed and I drank. I had an argument with my wife, but I can’t hold her or the argument responsible for wanting to drink. In fact, the craving began sitting in a few days earlier and I failed to do anything to stop it. I didn’t go to a meeting, I didn’t call my sponsor, I didn’t call anyone else, nor did I pray.

But Sunday, I was asked if I believed in God. I didn’t know what to do with that. If God exists, he certainly doesn’t answer my prayers – even to the point of removing my desire to drink. I feel like all of the promises I heard in AA about God are the same overly optimistic bullshit I’ve heard my entire life in church and from so-called believers.

I wandered around aimlessly on Sunday. I walked a couple of miles to a Starbucks to have a latte and wait for the Old Chicago I drink at to open up. I’m was way ahead of schedule, and ended up walking around aimlessly and eventually found myself standing outside a non-denominational Christian Church wondering if I should even bother.

I mean, let’s face it. I’m a guy that has had more than one penis in him. I’m not exactly the  poster child of morality. And I know I’ll get pissed off the first time something gets shoved down my throat that I didn’t willingly kneel to accept. I have a disdain for religion, for faith, fo anything that can’t accept me.

Although, I struggle to accept myself…

I mean, I shouldn’t even be married for that matter. I thought about the argument I had with my wife, while standing outside that church. I thought about how I screwed up because I should have known better than to offer anything than what is expected. And believe it or not, I’m not referring the my sexuality; I’m referring to every aspect that makes me who I am. Thank feel hated and repulsive to this woman.

Things were revealed in our argument. Things that demonstrated hypocrisy on her part. Things that demonstrated she holds me to a different standard than she holds herself. Am I perfect? Far from it, but admitting my flaws has never been difficult for me – I do it readily and usually embarrassingly. But this changed things.

Im done trying in some respects.

Bit do I believe in God?

No, I’m not so sure I do…

Im starting over: Day 2 of sobriety.

15 thoughts on ““Do you believe in God?”

  1. …I couldn’t get past the god stuff in AA either, which is one of the reasons I don’t go now xx Keep on keeping on. I feel your frustrations xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was quite mad at god for a long time.
    I now consider a power greater than me the universe. And I believe god is me and you and everyone else.
    I actually have no issue with the god part of Aa. I just don’t take it literally.
    After all…weather is greater than me. Fire. Water. I’m ok with that.

    You will be ok. Be easy with yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Sunshine, you seem to really struggle with the concept of God. Maybe change your perception. I myself do not believe in God, yet I do believe in something more than me. I don’t try to define it. I don’t pray to it. For me it just is. Everything little thing in life, big or small, has meaning, a reason. It’s like the butterfly effect. One small flutter of wings creates a chain effect.
    We often look back and wish that we could change an event, but what if changing that event changed the future in a negative way. People cross paths directly and indirectly for a reason. Never forget your importance in that. If you believe in anything at all, believe in yourself and be true to you. No one and I mean no one has the right to judge your choices, your actions or your thoughts. They belong to you. Own them.
    What happened on Sunday is just a day in this thing we call life. There was no failure. A lot happened, you escaped for a while. No blame or shame in that!

    As always ***hugs***

    Liked by 2 people

  4. What i will say, is that if you REALLY want to know the truth or need help, God does give it to you in time, but in his own time. It”s never or rarely how you expect it though, at least from my experience.

    As far as Christians/church, Don’t feel like you need to be perfectly moral to go, hell, in fact. many Christians might seem all cheerful and perfect at first, but trust me, virtually everyone has their own flaws/struggles that they deal with, they just don’t like talking about them openly. Don’t let that get you down. Your braver than a lot of religious folks now a days I’d say!

    Keep on fighting brother!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think there are as many understandings of ‘God’ as there are people and instants in the universe, since we always change and so do perceptions. I personally would not go to some church/temple/place of worship that started off by making a list of ways in which I am bad–I was going to say ‘ways in which I suck and am a dick’ but it sounded rather like a pun. If religious teachings help me to be a genuinely good loving wise person, that sounds good. If it just sets itself up so some middlemen can condemn me, heck with that. I’m with Bill and Ted–party on and be excellent to each other.

    Liked by 1 person

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