This past Sunday I relapsed and I drank. I had an argument with my wife, but I can’t hold her or the argument responsible for wanting to drink. In fact, the craving began sitting in a few days earlier and I failed to do anything to stop it. I didn’t go to a meeting, I didn’t call my sponsor, I didn’t call anyone else, nor did I pray.
But Sunday, I was asked if I believed in God. I didn’t know what to do with that. If God exists, he certainly doesn’t answer my prayers – even to the point of removing my desire to drink. I feel like all of the promises I heard in AA about God are the same overly optimistic bullshit I’ve heard my entire life in church and from so-called believers.
I wandered around aimlessly on Sunday. I walked a couple of miles to a Starbucks to have a latte and wait for the Old Chicago I drink at to open up. I’m was way ahead of schedule, and ended up walking around aimlessly and eventually found myself standing outside a non-denominational Christian Church wondering if I should even bother.
I mean, let’s face it. I’m a guy that has had more than one penis in him. I’m not exactly the poster child of morality. And I know I’ll get pissed off the first time something gets shoved down my throat that I didn’t willingly kneel to accept. I have a disdain for religion, for faith, fo anything that can’t accept me.
Although, I struggle to accept myself…
I mean, I shouldn’t even be married for that matter. I thought about the argument I had with my wife, while standing outside that church. I thought about how I screwed up because I should have known better than to offer anything than what is expected. And believe it or not, I’m not referring the my sexuality; I’m referring to every aspect that makes me who I am. Thank feel hated and repulsive to this woman.
Things were revealed in our argument. Things that demonstrated hypocrisy on her part. Things that demonstrated she holds me to a different standard than she holds herself. Am I perfect? Far from it, but admitting my flaws has never been difficult for me – I do it readily and usually embarrassingly. But this changed things.
Im done trying in some respects.
Bit do I believe in God?
No, I’m not so sure I do…
Im starting over: Day 2 of sobriety.