My strained relationship with God.

Trigger Warning: I’m going to say some things that some might find to be sacrilegious, irreverent, and completely hell-bound verbiage about God.

A couple of days ago, with respect to my relapse, I’ve gone and got rid of God again. Discharged. Vanquished. Thrown away. Etc., etc. In fact, as one of my earlier posts suggested, I was denying complete and utter disbelief in God. I was hell bent on ignoring anything that could stand in my way of drinking! And since, AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) suggested that the only thing that could eliminate my desire to drink is a “power greater than myself”, it only made since I got rid of that Higher Power.

Obviously, I needed to back the tracks up that had already been laid. And since I had laid so many great principles down in the last 70 days or so, I needed to really destroy it all. I went out and drank. Quickly, I realized I could not eliminate how I felt, I could not ignore what was going through my mind and I could not ignore any of my feelings. I came to my senses and decided I needed to start over.

I found myself inside a Catholic parish lighting candles and kneeling in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary and saying a prayer to God. I wasn’t praising Him. I wasn’t thanking Him. I wasn’t asking for Help.  No, I was condemning Him to my hatred. My prayer was vulgar anger:

Fuck you! I fucking hate you! I hate what you’ve done to my life. I hate that you refuse to help me. You want me to be a good person, but you don’t give me easy fucking answers. Fuck you! Why should I fucking do anything you want of me? Why did you give me a fucked up marriage? And why the fuck do I like guys like I like women? Don’t you think that’s fucked up?!?!  Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! All I ask for is to keep me from fucking drinking, show me this fucked up will of yours and give me some fucking answers to my life! Fuck you! And now, I’m only fucking pretending to pray, so {my wife’s name} doesn’t begin asking me if I fucking believe in you! No, I don’t fucking believe you! Fuck off!

And then, yesterday, I went to my favorite place to drink and ordered a beer. And then I received a phone call – I had forgotten to do something I promised to do. So, it pulled me away from my beer and I went and did what I promised to do. And I felt good for a moment, but I never got back to my beer. And I felt anxious the entire rest of the day.

This morning, I went to an AA meeting. I wasn’t going to ever go to another one. I had written it off, just like I did God. And yet, there I was this morning, embarrassed to be there asking for another 24-hour chip and admitting that I was within my first 30 days of sobriety again.

And I was humble.

I accepted it.

I still don’t understand God, but I felt compelled to go back to a meeting. And I tried to call my sponsor today, but I missed his return call. I still have to admit to him that I drank.

And even if he’s disappointed in me, I know the only important issue for me right now is to maintain my sobriety for today. I can’t drink. And I know that.

I finished day 1. Tomorrow, is a new day, and I’ll handle it then.

 

14 thoughts on “My strained relationship with God.

  1. Thinking of you! Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing good and at the end of the day it seems like you have a pretty clear grip on what you feel you need to do (or not do, as it were!). Life’s complicated sometimes and for someone who doesn’t find AA overly helpful I’m going to refer to that thing about the one day you have the power to shape: today. Yesterday’s gone so just see if there’s anything to learn from it. Tomorrow is still a mystery that you can’t predict. Today is the one to focus on. All the best – hang in there. Sophie x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I agree with your two previous commenters. Each time you write about the difficulty you have with the higher power aspect of your AA experience, I always feel uncomfortable. I know AA has done amazing things in helping many break free from alcoholism, but… I am a little skeptical at relinquishing responsibility to a higher power. I admit I don’t know the details of this approach, but it seems to me that self esteem and self worth take a bit hit when you decide “I’m too weak. I can’t do it without my higher power.” It’s like saying “I’m not worthy.” Is there another kind of rehab you could look into? One that will help you in a different way? Again I apologize for commenting without all the details. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my gosh Meg, please don’t ever apologize for your comments. I have always appreciated you and your advice. I have to admit, they way you phrased it above – being weak without my higher power – is almost exactly how I feel about it. This gives me a little more insight.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I just don’t want to make assumptions about the program when I’m unfamiliar with it… Nevertheless, a one size fits all approach doesn’t work for everyone. I hope you’re having a good day, today!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Faith is one thing… you still have to live your life the best way you can and using the free will God gave all of us. I don’t know too many people who haven’t given God the business when things in their lives start circling the drain… and most of those people come to realize that if they don’t start doing something about whatever’s wrong in their life, no one – and maybe not even God – is going to do it for them. Some of those same people sit in the doldrums of their life waiting for a “miracle” or some divine sign or answer that will get them back on track and, maybe it shows up, maybe it doesn’t but, still, nothing changes the fact that if you don’t get your head out of your ass and do something to help yourself, well, you’re fucked… and not in a good way.

    My late father was an alcoholic and since it got him in trouble with the law, the court made him go to AA – it was either that or spend some time as a guest of the state. He went and, for a while, he was nice and sober and I can remember overhearing my parents talking about this and how good of a thing that he was getting help to get this monkey off his back.

    He fell off the wagon so hard the ground shook; for reasons I knew nothing about – but as I heard my parents arguing about later – he left his AA meeting and went straight to his favorite watering hole and got so drunk a couple of guys had to literally drag him home, dumping him on the doorstep, knocking on the door, and hauling ass. During the argument, my mother kept asking him what happened – he was doing so well getting and staying sober; he told her that he didn’t know but felt that going to AA just created a problem for him – that didn’t make any sense to me but I never got to hear the rest of the argument – me and my siblings got sent outside.

    The thing I took away from this is that while AA has done great works helping people get sober and stay that way, they can’t help everyone, not because their methods aren’t tried, true, and proven – it’s just that some people don’t want to be helped or can’t be helped even though they also know that they are sick and fucking tired of living in this vicious cycle of behavior. Some such folks just keep circling the drain until they lose it all while some realize that they’re on the verge of losing it all and somehow find the strength and courage to do something to keep that from happening.

    Some people find religion; some just find a way to break this destructive behavior loop but no matter how they do it, they damn well know that if they don’t do something – and conventional methods haven’t really worked for them – no one is going to do it for them. If you do not believe in yourself, what makes you (not particularly you) think that others are gonna believe in you. It is even said that God helps those who helps themselves so maybe you need to do really step up and do something so that God will deign to help you with this… even though you kinda cussed Him out.

    With or without divine intervention, you still gotta man up and deal with this and not accept failure; failure can NEVER be an option when your ass is on the line.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have struggled to reconnect to my higher power this past year and it has been ROUGH. I appreciate others who are willing to be honest about where they are in their lives.

    You will make it.

    Liked by 1 person

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