True change involves being honest.

Saying I struggle with alcohol is an understatement.

I’m an alcoholic, plain and simple. It’s my innermost truth at the moment.  And I’m not completely sober. I drank again, yesterday. It was only one beer and I would have drank more, if it weren’t for the fact that someone else needed me. My dad had surgery and needed me to sign him out of the hospital and take him home. So, I had one beer…

I don’t like this about myself. But there is a lot more that I don’t like about myself. I’m also terrified of many. many, many things.  One of those things is the idea of being alone – I think. A few days ago, when I relapsed, I had been in an argument with my wife. And, if I’m being honest, divorce was held over my head like a threat again. I didn’t know how to handle this situation, but have I ever? The idea of being divorced is a fear of mine. I don’t know how to deal with it. At one time, I used to call her bluff and wait it out, because I always felt like the threat of a divorce was a manipulative tactic. But this time, I did what I did best – I ran away into several beers.  There are so many issues within my marriage, that I don’t know how to face them all. In reality, there is some toxicity here that boils over far too often. Granted, we have come a long ways in learning how to communicate and manage our marriage, but things still have a way of exploding, on an emotional level, that is epic.  My wife and I are very passionate people when it comes to love – we love passionately, and we argue passionately. At the moment, we are calm and understanding of one another, but a couple of days ago that was not the case.

There’s another fear I have. And it’s the fear of success. For some reason, I don’t seem to manage my successes very well.  Right now, I’m being offered a position that would require I work in the middle east. It’s a very safe country, comparatively, but it would require a rotational schedule of 28 days on and 28 days off. Currently, I work 14 days on and 14 days off (although that has fluctuated wildly the past few months). Truthfully, the job function I’ll be doing is the exact same – so there is not a bump in pay or ‘rank’ within the company. But there are some financial benefits, in terms of taxes, and a lot of things that will be paid that are not paid now.  There is also a chance that I could gain a position I really want – which would involve moving to the middle east as an “expat”. I know my wife and kids do not want me taking it, but they have always been reluctant to me taking any position that requires change for the family. I don’t want to be selfish, but I also know that I tend to only look at positions that benefit the family from a financial standpoint.

The problem is that I can’t make the decision. I can’t bring myself to jump on this opportunity for a variety of reasons.  Obviously, it’s a major, life-changing kind of decision. And it’s always recommended that alcoholics do not make such big decisions within the first year of their sobriety – and I can’t even make 90 days of sobriety. Also, I’m terrified of the middle east – it’s not like my sexuality is a welcome characteristic (Admittedly, I have some bias and I could be ill informed).  I know that being married to a woman allows me to maintain a “straight façade”, but I have been considering fully coming out.  And with my marriage on the rocks, it might be the one thing that tips me over the edge. I simply do not know. I also feel like a decision like working in the middle east would be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.

I don’t like people trying to force me into decisions. It has a 99% chance of going the opposite direction as the person wants. But, sometimes, I wonder, if I need to listen to others more often. Obviously, I don’t do that very well, since I’m still struggling with drinking. But, I’m going to do something radical that I have never done before – truly.

I’m going to allow anything that needs to crash down around me to crash down.

I’m not going to take the position in the middle east.

I’m going to take a break from my master’s program.

I’m gonna let my wife believe whatever the fuck she wants to believe about our marriage and do whatever the fuck she wants. And I don’t give a fuck, if she doesn’t like my meetings. I fucking like them. I fucking get something out of them. This sobriety is about me!

I must focus on being sober.

I can’t let anything get in the fucking way…

…ever again.

I can’t be defeated by this. Not me. Not now. Not ever. I’ll keep getting the fuck back up!

Fuck this! Fuck Hilda! Fuck anything that stands in my way.

I’m pissed off.

Today is Day 1.

27 thoughts on “True change involves being honest.

      1. I can imagine. There are too many other things happening right now. I find it so discouraging that your wife doesn’t like you going to meetings. Is it possible for her to come with you some time? Or to speak to your sponsor about it? I’m not sure how that all works… I’m sending my love and best wishes! 💖💫💖

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Has your wife looked into support groups for spouses of addicts? She doesn’t like that you’re going to meetings, but you’re going to need a support network here and she should be part of that.. I’m kind of fixated on the marriage part of your peril right now, because it seems like that’s the one common denominator. So sorry my friend

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Ah got it. That really says a lot, and is unfortunate. Her insecurities should not hinder your recovery, or be any sort of an obstacle for you. I forget whether you’ve mentioned if you’ve together gone for marriage counseling?

        All of these things are intertwined.. i could see a lot of resentment stemming from it in the future. And the fact that you’re on the fence and faced with so many decisions right now – Its easy to see how overwhelming it can all be.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. We have done counseling before and it goes well when I am accepting responsibility and attempting to make changes. When it’s suggested the other way around, counseling no longer works – seemingly.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like this is a very positive post today. There’s a lot an anger but its good anger. I feel like this is you taking charge of you and taking the first steps in becoming true to you. You will begin to feel empowered. And remember, just because something seems scary, doesn’t mean its bad for you.

    Being truthful to yourself, even if it causes some anxiety, ask yourself what would be the most important thing to fix in your life or what is the one thing that you would desire more than anything? Lots of stuff will pop into your head, you can even write them down, maybe even rank them in the order of importance and go from there. Usually its one thing and then anxiety takes a blows it up from there.


    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi lovely. I really feel for you and can appreciate how difficult this all is! There seem to be a lot of ‘moving parts’ to this. I am wondering how you will ever truly be at peace within the relationship if you are bi/gay… 🤔 Are your kids at an age where they will soon be ‘flying the nest’ or are they still quite young? I think it’s healthy that you are looking at the job offer logically – from what you have said it sounds like taking it would pile more problems on top of existing ones and the only true positive bit is that is could lead onto other things work-wise. Do you think that being in your current relationship is making you want to drink more than wanting to remain sober?? And why does your wife not like you going to meetings? Is it because she fears there are others who understand you more than her? You must feel incredibly suppressed… and that shit always leads to a blowout of some kind sooner or later xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are asking some things that are deeply personal. I’m certainly not against answering them, but I’m not really sure how to face a lot of them. I don’t, typically discuss my children, but two are adults and one is a teen.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Re the drinking I heard a great quote the other day – Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat. The rest others can’t make decisions for you but a part of me thinks both you and your wife deserve happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s