Saying I struggle with alcohol is an understatement.
I’m an alcoholic, plain and simple. It’s my innermost truth at the moment. And I’m not completely sober. I drank again, yesterday. It was only one beer and I would have drank more, if it weren’t for the fact that someone else needed me. My dad had surgery and needed me to sign him out of the hospital and take him home. So, I had one beer…
I don’t like this about myself. But there is a lot more that I don’t like about myself. I’m also terrified of many. many, many things. One of those things is the idea of being alone – I think. A few days ago, when I relapsed, I had been in an argument with my wife. And, if I’m being honest, divorce was held over my head like a threat again. I didn’t know how to handle this situation, but have I ever? The idea of being divorced is a fear of mine. I don’t know how to deal with it. At one time, I used to call her bluff and wait it out, because I always felt like the threat of a divorce was a manipulative tactic. But this time, I did what I did best – I ran away into several beers. There are so many issues within my marriage, that I don’t know how to face them all. In reality, there is some toxicity here that boils over far too often. Granted, we have come a long ways in learning how to communicate and manage our marriage, but things still have a way of exploding, on an emotional level, that is epic. My wife and I are very passionate people when it comes to love – we love passionately, and we argue passionately. At the moment, we are calm and understanding of one another, but a couple of days ago that was not the case.
There’s another fear I have. And it’s the fear of success. For some reason, I don’t seem to manage my successes very well. Right now, I’m being offered a position that would require I work in the middle east. It’s a very safe country, comparatively, but it would require a rotational schedule of 28 days on and 28 days off. Currently, I work 14 days on and 14 days off (although that has fluctuated wildly the past few months). Truthfully, the job function I’ll be doing is the exact same – so there is not a bump in pay or ‘rank’ within the company. But there are some financial benefits, in terms of taxes, and a lot of things that will be paid that are not paid now. There is also a chance that I could gain a position I really want – which would involve moving to the middle east as an “expat”. I know my wife and kids do not want me taking it, but they have always been reluctant to me taking any position that requires change for the family. I don’t want to be selfish, but I also know that I tend to only look at positions that benefit the family from a financial standpoint.
The problem is that I can’t make the decision. I can’t bring myself to jump on this opportunity for a variety of reasons. Obviously, it’s a major, life-changing kind of decision. And it’s always recommended that alcoholics do not make such big decisions within the first year of their sobriety – and I can’t even make 90 days of sobriety. Also, I’m terrified of the middle east – it’s not like my sexuality is a welcome characteristic (Admittedly, I have some bias and I could be ill informed). I know that being married to a woman allows me to maintain a “straight façade”, but I have been considering fully coming out. And with my marriage on the rocks, it might be the one thing that tips me over the edge. I simply do not know. I also feel like a decision like working in the middle east would be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.
I don’t like people trying to force me into decisions. It has a 99% chance of going the opposite direction as the person wants. But, sometimes, I wonder, if I need to listen to others more often. Obviously, I don’t do that very well, since I’m still struggling with drinking. But, I’m going to do something radical that I have never done before – truly.
I’m going to allow anything that needs to crash down around me to crash down.
I’m not going to take the position in the middle east.
I’m going to take a break from my master’s program.
I’m gonna let my wife believe whatever the fuck she wants to believe about our marriage and do whatever the fuck she wants. And I don’t give a fuck, if she doesn’t like my meetings. I fucking like them. I fucking get something out of them. This sobriety is about me!
I must focus on being sober.
I can’t let anything get in the fucking way…
I can’t be defeated by this. Not me. Not now. Not ever. I’ll keep getting the fuck back up!
Fuck this! Fuck Hilda! Fuck anything that stands in my way.
I’m pissed off.
Today is Day 1.