I’ve never been afraid of change…

I’m not so sure I’ve ever been afraid of change – it’s an unavoidable part of life. In fact, I’m typically the kind of person that believes if I want things to get better, than I have to change things myself.  Granted, I was probably a little more terrified of change as a kid, but I had parents that instilled halfway decent values in me while I was growing up and learned to accept that nothing in life is permanent and I began to embrace change. But, I’ve capitalized on this concept in a lot of areas of my life and look towards bettering myself in a lot of ways – so I would effect change, when needed. Believe it or not, I really don’t like to bitch and whine about my life – I’d much rather crap than stay on the pot.

That’s sort of the case with me trying to be sober. I need to change. And I’m willing to go through the process to do just that. I’m willing to listen to others’ advice, I’m willing to accept that I don’t know everything (side note: This is really difficult for a self-described know-it-all), I’m willing to go to any lengths to achieve that aspect of bettering myself. But my problem is that I tend to bite off more than I can chew (another side note: this is pure irony, because I’ve bitten off and chewed a lot and need to lose weight, as a result). I think the problem comes in for me in that I don’t do things in small manners – I go about and tackle multiple problems all at once. And lately, my problems have boiled down to these issues: sobriety, finances, career choice, marriage, weight loss, mental health, improving my education, etc., etc.

You get the idea, right?

There’s a lot I want to change. And this has always been easy to do for me.  I was once a full time student working on an engineering degree, working full time and having two part time jobs all at the same time. I was a time managing mofo back in those days. It’s amazing I got any sleep (That’s a serious understatement…I didn’t sleep much at all back then)! I am a driven individual and have always had the desire to do things big (…or go home, right?). I knew how to push myself beyond limits that most people would not muster the energy to do.

But someplace, I lost that ability or drive.

The simple fast is this: I am limited. I don’t like limits – they are an anathema to me, because they imply that they cannot be overcome and I was not the kind of person to allow anything to hinder my accomplishment of goals. And now, I find myself challenged in so many different ways. Maybe it’s my mental health. Maybe it’s my physical health. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe I lost my ability to manage time. Or maybe I don’t care as much about some things as I used to.  I’m not even sure, truthfully, but I do find myself running into brick walls and starting to see that I can’t meet every goal I set for myself.

And I think this is part of what broke me down over the past few months. I was waning to lose weight. I was wanting to improve my academic credentials, so as to make me more marketable in another career. I was looking for jobs to change my financial situation. I wanted all of my mental health issues – depression, anxiety, marital matters, acceptance of my sexuality, etc. – to fall in line. But, ultimately, I find myself struggling and dealing with my sobriety.

I never though, in a million years, I would ever have a problem with alcohol. I lived my life off the idea that mind over matter wins all. Yet, as my alcoholism developed, I began to churn into a complete unmanageable mess. I look back at the past couple of months – or even years – and I ponder why I couldn’t change anything about my life. I wonder why it is that I was stuck in the same old rut of my life that I could not effect change like I once did. There is so much I want to change about my life and there is so much I need to change, but I can’t seem to organize myself in a way to do all of that. But, all of my decisions, all of my desires, all of my actions began to centralize around one thing: Getting home each night, so I could drink beer. And I think, this is the soul issue that needs to be addressed right now in my life.

I’ve made a decision to put almost every issue I’m dealing with on hold until I can, at the very least, eliminate my craving for a beer. If I can destroy that one aspect of my life, then maybe I can consider what is most important next. Granted, I believe there are things that will begin to fall around me, I believe I am facing some issues that are critical and require my attention – but that’s sort of the point, isn’t it? I can’t give them my full attention as long as I have beer on my mind.

Today, my soul mission is to not drink. That is the primary thing I need to manage right now.

And I think I’ll even rely on God – whomever he or she is…

Day 3

9 thoughts on “I’ve never been afraid of change…

  1. What you have written is very insightful. You know that life is far from perfect and that there are things you want to change, you have identified the most important thing to tackle. You are doing the right thing in focusing on that.
    As always, I wish you well xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sunshine so glad to see that your are prioritizing the issues. One thing at a time instead of bits and pieces of a million different things that cluster fucks the mind.
    Hilda will try to worm her way in and push the other items on your list but tell her to Fuck Off, you’ll deal with it another day.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. In my experience, when I have put my sobriety first–a lot of other problems fall away or at least start to shift in perspective. For years I thought I needed to get a handle on my depression, and that would help me stop drinking. Turns out it was the other way around. I needed to tackle my primary issue before I could even start to look at the others. Sobriety will help you see things more clearly–one day at a time. You sound ready and willing to do the work–I’m excited for you! Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been ready, honestly. I had a small relapse last weekend, but I recognize that I lost perspective on what’s important.
      I’m determined.
      Thank you, so much for your encouragement.


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