I’m not so sure I’ve ever been afraid of change – it’s an unavoidable part of life. In fact, I’m typically the kind of person that believes if I want things to get better, than I have to change things myself. Granted, I was probably a little more terrified of change as a kid, but I had parents that instilled halfway decent values in me while I was growing up and learned to accept that nothing in life is permanent and I began to embrace change. But, I’ve capitalized on this concept in a lot of areas of my life and look towards bettering myself in a lot of ways – so I would effect change, when needed. Believe it or not, I really don’t like to bitch and whine about my life – I’d much rather crap than stay on the pot.
That’s sort of the case with me trying to be sober. I need to change. And I’m willing to go through the process to do just that. I’m willing to listen to others’ advice, I’m willing to accept that I don’t know everything (side note: This is really difficult for a self-described know-it-all), I’m willing to go to any lengths to achieve that aspect of bettering myself. But my problem is that I tend to bite off more than I can chew (another side note: this is pure irony, because I’ve bitten off and chewed a lot and need to lose weight, as a result). I think the problem comes in for me in that I don’t do things in small manners – I go about and tackle multiple problems all at once. And lately, my problems have boiled down to these issues: sobriety, finances, career choice, marriage, weight loss, mental health, improving my education, etc., etc.
You get the idea, right?
There’s a lot I want to change. And this has always been easy to do for me. I was once a full time student working on an engineering degree, working full time and having two part time jobs all at the same time. I was a time managing mofo back in those days. It’s amazing I got any sleep (That’s a serious understatement…I didn’t sleep much at all back then)! I am a driven individual and have always had the desire to do things big (…or go home, right?). I knew how to push myself beyond limits that most people would not muster the energy to do.
But someplace, I lost that ability or drive.
The simple fast is this: I am limited. I don’t like limits – they are an anathema to me, because they imply that they cannot be overcome and I was not the kind of person to allow anything to hinder my accomplishment of goals. And now, I find myself challenged in so many different ways. Maybe it’s my mental health. Maybe it’s my physical health. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe I lost my ability to manage time. Or maybe I don’t care as much about some things as I used to. I’m not even sure, truthfully, but I do find myself running into brick walls and starting to see that I can’t meet every goal I set for myself.
And I think this is part of what broke me down over the past few months. I was waning to lose weight. I was wanting to improve my academic credentials, so as to make me more marketable in another career. I was looking for jobs to change my financial situation. I wanted all of my mental health issues – depression, anxiety, marital matters, acceptance of my sexuality, etc. – to fall in line. But, ultimately, I find myself struggling and dealing with my sobriety.
I never though, in a million years, I would ever have a problem with alcohol. I lived my life off the idea that mind over matter wins all. Yet, as my alcoholism developed, I began to churn into a complete unmanageable mess. I look back at the past couple of months – or even years – and I ponder why I couldn’t change anything about my life. I wonder why it is that I was stuck in the same old rut of my life that I could not effect change like I once did. There is so much I want to change about my life and there is so much I need to change, but I can’t seem to organize myself in a way to do all of that. But, all of my decisions, all of my desires, all of my actions began to centralize around one thing: Getting home each night, so I could drink beer. And I think, this is the soul issue that needs to be addressed right now in my life.
I’ve made a decision to put almost every issue I’m dealing with on hold until I can, at the very least, eliminate my craving for a beer. If I can destroy that one aspect of my life, then maybe I can consider what is most important next. Granted, I believe there are things that will begin to fall around me, I believe I am facing some issues that are critical and require my attention – but that’s sort of the point, isn’t it? I can’t give them my full attention as long as I have beer on my mind.
Today, my soul mission is to not drink. That is the primary thing I need to manage right now.
And I think I’ll even rely on God – whomever he or she is…