The Hamster

Back in February, when I decided I needed to stop drinking for good and that I am, in fact, an alcoholic, I had every intention of having my last drink. Unfortunately, I slipped last weekend. I’m not happy about it, but it made me extremely aware that I have a tendency to have a “fuck it” attitude when I’ve given something a lot of effort and I don’t see the pay off. For me, I believe, the pay off is the elimination of the craving of alcohol.  It’s been my go to solution for so long – at least the past 10 or 15 years.

Once, I was having a conversation with my sponsor a couple of years ago about alcohol and an alcoholic’s lack of willpower. He mentioned to me that he hates the insinuation that alcoholics are weak-willed and said it’s complete bullshit, because it takes tremendous will power to walk five miles in a blizzard to get a beer. And that’s how an alcoholic thinks. They think about how to get their fix – and often times, it involves the kind of willpower that most people simply give up on if it requires the kind of effort an alcoholic is willing to put forth to get that drink.

That was me this past Sunday after an argument with my wife and having my sobriety shoved into my face. I walked around the area where I lived for well over three hours waiting for my favorite watering hole to open up, so I can do my best in throwing it all away. I walked for miles, I’m sure, circling several blocks with the sheer determination that I wanted to go drink because I was sick of trying. I was sick of giving my job everything I had, I was sick of giving my sobriety everything I had, I was sick of giving my wife everything I had. I felt like a hurt little kid that didn’t get anything in return – all I wanted was a little peace.

I drank. And I felt remorse almost instantly. It wasn’t the first time I felt the ironic bite of a “belly full of booze and a head full of AA”. There is something about having all of these thoughts about drinking running around your head, when you make the hell bent decision to end it all and not even worry about sobriety. I had eliminated/deleted some of the AA contacts I had saved in my contact list on my phone. Actually, I deleted them all, except for my sponsor. I don’t know why. I could have easily eliminated it too, but I didn’t. The next day, I was going to be done again.  And then I drank again. And then I felt stupid again.

But now, I’m a few days into it again. And I’m glad I’m away for work, because I don’t have access to beer. Where I work at is fairly remote and going to get a beer would require leaving the location I’m at – sure to earn me a firing, so I do not go and get it.  But I am not going to lie, based on everything going on lately, the hamster in my head is running it’s furry little ass off and I feel like the only thing that will simmer it down is a drink.

I’ve been more accepting and focused on the fact that my sobriety needs to be my primary concern – that nothing else needs to matter right now. And, part of it means I can’t even focus on my marriage at the moment. My wife feels like I don’t care about her, that I would rather be with other women, but the reality is that all I want to do is fix myself. I just want to be a healthier and happier version of who I am.

I want this. I want to be sober. I want nothing else at the moment.

Day 4

23 thoughts on “The Hamster

    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
      I always feel like I’m going to make it, so it is time that will tell. I am looking and things with a different set of eyes, however, and I hope to be in a place that feels good someday. 🙂

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      1. I’m right there with you. If you ever need encouragement or someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. Strength in numbers!💜

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. That’s incredibly kind. I have been lucky enough to have so many people, like yourself, reach out. I find the online community to be such a welcome part of life.

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  1. Its so true about being willing to walk miles to a shop that will be open to buy booze. Ive done that so many times. Usually in a blackout and won’t know until I find the receipt in my pocket the next day, and I think: “Oh my god, I walked all that way for booze!” it could be hailing or snowing and it wouldn’t make a difference, I would still go and get my fix. I genuinely DO BELIEVE that if we have it in us to go to those lengths for anything, booze or something else, then we have it in us to be fiercely determined to achieve what we want. I think you will totally be able to beat the booze! Because you will keep trying and getting back up again and again until it sticks. 👍👍👍🙏🏻

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  2. Absolutely, you have to take care of yourself first before you can properly take care of anyone else. SLIP=Sobriety Losing It’s Priority. I would romance the drink, sometimes days, prior to actually partaking, and always felt extremely guilty after. Yes, AA ruined my drinking career. You’ve got this. I’ve got your back.

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  3. There is peace for you!
    It was hard for me to get and stay sober. Hard work for sure!
    But time makes everything easier. I have the peace, no more fighting with hubs about drinking, no more drunk driving, no more hangovers, and still have all the good parts of life!
    xo
    Wendy

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  4. You are so hard on yourself; we all slip even if it is not with alcohol. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. I may have mentioned this before but has a doctor ever suggested some medication for what makes you want to drink and escape? My doctor has just doubled my dose of Prozac because I just cannot shift the depression. Sometimes I drink too much also.

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      1. My mum was an alcoholic as was my dad. She had severe depression and my dad might have been bipolar. I was very reluctant to admit that I might have inherited a problem but after age 40 decided that medication might help and it really has. When I worked in mental health, I used to tell my clients, “You would take insulin if you had diabetes, wouldn’t you?” It is worth a conversation with a doctor, if nothing else.

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