The Hamster

Back in February, when I decided I needed to stop drinking for good and that I am, in fact, an alcoholic, I had every intention of having my last drink. Unfortunately, I slipped last weekend. I’m not happy about it, but it made me extremely aware that I have a tendency to have a “fuck it” attitude when I’ve given something a lot of effort and I don’t see the pay off. For me, I believe, the pay off is the elimination of the craving of alcohol.  It’s been my go to solution for so long – at least the past 10 or 15 years.

Once, I was having a conversation with my sponsor a couple of years ago about alcohol and an alcoholic’s lack of willpower. He mentioned to me that he hates the insinuation that alcoholics are weak-willed and said it’s complete bullshit, because it takes tremendous will power to walk five miles in a blizzard to get a beer. And that’s how an alcoholic thinks. They think about how to get their fix – and often times, it involves the kind of willpower that most people simply give up on if it requires the kind of effort an alcoholic is willing to put forth to get that drink.

That was me this past Sunday after an argument with my wife and having my sobriety shoved into my face. I walked around the area where I lived for well over three hours waiting for my favorite watering hole to open up, so I can do my best in throwing it all away. I walked for miles, I’m sure, circling several blocks with the sheer determination that I wanted to go drink because I was sick of trying. I was sick of giving my job everything I had, I was sick of giving my sobriety everything I had, I was sick of giving my wife everything I had. I felt like a hurt little kid that didn’t get anything in return – all I wanted was a little peace.

I drank. And I felt remorse almost instantly. It wasn’t the first time I felt the ironic bite of a “belly full of booze and a head full of AA”. There is something about having all of these thoughts about drinking running around your head, when you make the hell bent decision to end it all and not even worry about sobriety. I had eliminated/deleted some of the AA contacts I had saved in my contact list on my phone. Actually, I deleted them all, except for my sponsor. I don’t know why. I could have easily eliminated it too, but I didn’t. The next day, I was going to be done again.  And then I drank again. And then I felt stupid again.

But now, I’m a few days into it again. And I’m glad I’m away for work, because I don’t have access to beer. Where I work at is fairly remote and going to get a beer would require leaving the location I’m at – sure to earn me a firing, so I do not go and get it.  But I am not going to lie, based on everything going on lately, the hamster in my head is running it’s furry little ass off and I feel like the only thing that will simmer it down is a drink.

I’ve been more accepting and focused on the fact that my sobriety needs to be my primary concern – that nothing else needs to matter right now. And, part of it means I can’t even focus on my marriage at the moment. My wife feels like I don’t care about her, that I would rather be with other women, but the reality is that all I want to do is fix myself. I just want to be a healthier and happier version of who I am.

I want this. I want to be sober. I want nothing else at the moment.

Day 4