Deep Thinking

As arrogant as it sounds, I have always been proud of my ability to think about things on a deep level.  I’m not sure if it’s factual or not, but I’d like to think it is true.  But, I can remember so many different times in my life when people have commented on the things I prefer to discuss – religion, politics, philosophy, history, science, and so on.  I wouldn’t claim to be able to discuss this matters from a formally educated point of view, but I have always felt that I look at various topics from the desire to know more, understand more and grasp an intimate knowledge of different topics.

(Side note: I feel like I’m bragging even discussion this, but I think many of you know I have a difficult time seeing myself from a positive set of eyes, so this is a little awkward for me to discuss…continuing.)

Well, I have had good upbringing growing up with my parents. They were never the type to try and shut mine or my siblings’ inquisitive minds. Even at times when we wanted to challenge our religious beliefs, for example, my parents were never discouraging in free thought – even if they disagreed.  My parents encouraged reading – in fact, I remember one Halloween where other kids were out trick-or-treating and my parents took us to a book store and let us pick a book as a “replacement” to going to get candy (Sometimes, I think activities like these were done because of my type 1 diabetes). So, there was always a spirit of trying to understand the world in my household.

This kind of thing always made me a very inquisitive person. I always wanted to know “Why” something was the way it was. That suited me well in academics when it came to science and math. But I applied that same principle to trying to understand other things, as well – like history, or politics and especially religion.

You see, religion & faith (and for that matter, politics – and you’re fooling yourself if you don’t think all of these topics have something to do with politics) is something that seems to give me the most troubles. Something that I can’t always wrap my mind around. Of course, my parents instilled religious values in me, but not in an abusive way. I always felt like my parents wanted the best for me and my siblings, so I had a fairly good understanding of my Catholic upbringing.

But I used to question, for sure, but never from a disrespectful point of view. I always questioned with the desire to gain a better understanding. And so, when I questioned different authorities (i.e. experts) – such as teachers, my parents, religious people, whomever I saw as an expert – I had the tendency to accept any explanation given to me, because I knew that many of these people just wanted what was best for me.

Of course, as I began to live life and began to experience different aspects of life, my views of the world began to change. I lost touch with so many different aspects of my upbringing that sometimes I feel like I came to a point I rejected some things. And, now, over the last couple of years as I struggled with my sobriety, I can feel my mind getting clear and I am starting to realize some of the values, principles and views on life that I had long sense forgotten. In some ways, I feel guilty for letting go of myself, I feel remorse as if I killed-off parts of myself.

I’m also encouraged, however, because I have always had a sense of wanting to know more and understand more. But this has a bit of a mental sickness to it, as well, because I become obsessive to know things. It reminds me of all the various ways I sought answers to try and find the “true faith” or a need to explore various religious experiences to grasp some deeper spirituality, but I have always been somewhat hidden about things – learning things privately. I took a world religion class in college, that I found incredibly interesting, but it was introductory and did not have the scope to answer all of my questions. But it made me more interested in religions other than Catholicism. I began to have a precursory exploration of Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. I remember the first time I saw a Q’uran – reading so little to even give it a chance to understand. I’ve read the Book of Mormon. I’ve perused the Torah. But I have never given anything a true inspection. I always fell back on my own catholic upbringing – and mostly, because it was what I was familiar.

But, as I involve myself in more Alcoholics Anonymous reading, meetings and work with my sponsor, I find myself pondering religion and faith again much more. Of course, the simple principle of AA is to find a Higher Power of my understanding – regardless of my imperfect understanding.  AA simply wants a recovering alcoholic to be open and willing to establish a relationship with God – to merely seek Him.  And I think about some of the advice I have received on my various posts, with respect to God. A lot of it has to do with my sexuality, because of the hang-up I have with some of the treatments of people from religious communities. I understand a lot of the concern – it is like there will be an attack on my mental health when it comes to this.  Maybe there would be an attack from myself on my own understanding of my relationship with God. But maybe there is something much deeper I want to know, maybe it’s not whether or not God exists or not, maybe it’s not anything to do with what God wants from people or how God wants people to be. Maybe it’s none of that. Maybe what really needs to be done is a simple pondering on the purpose of God, the purpose of Him within our lives.

But it leaves me to ask,


9 thoughts on “Deep Thinking

  1. Hey this is your place don’t ever worry about what we are thinking of you as you type because really that doesn’t matter what matters in your blog is you and how it is making you feel. I love this bit “pick a book as a “replacement” to going to get candy” what wonderful parents to do this so many parents are so busy they just wouldn’t even think or arranging a replacement and so many poor kids would go without. I think it is great that they encouraged you all to think for yourselves and explore and learn with open minds.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another beautiful post. I too was raised Catholic, and I can tell you, I think that specific religion often leaves us guessing because there are a lot of holes to it. It’s also a religion often shrouded in God-fearing, while teaching that one should love God.

    Keep thinking, and question everything. True knowledge comes from the idea that we can never truly stop learning. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, so much, for the comment.
      I used to think of myself as a bit of an apologist when it came to Catholicism. But there are some things about Christianity, in general, that gives me a struggle on some matters.


      1. Agreed. I have switched to saying I am spiritual. I find the lack of classification of my beliefs easier to swallow. At the end of the day it’s about living life to the best of your ability, as the best person you can be. All faith teaches us that.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m a knowledge seeker too. I like information. I like to be well read.
    I was raised Catholic. Very catholic.
    I have then been angry with god and completely turned against organized religion.

    I have found an idea of spirituality and connection between. People that helps me.

    God, for me, is absolutely not some old man in the sky.

    When god is brought up too much at aa I struggle. But in the end I realize some people find religion comforting.

    I considered becoming a Buddhist for a while, but that just trying to implement rules onto my life to feel like I’m in control.

    I know that’s not what I need.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like what you had to say about God in AA…that’s exactly how I feel in a lot of circumstances. Too much of anything is a bad thing, but then again us alcoholics do have that tendency, don’t we? 🙂

      I’m getting there, I think, a better understanding that a spiritual nature is more akin to what I need.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I found some profound insight in the book the shack.
        I’m not even sure why or how, but after reading it I realized we are all connected and we should have love and compassion for all. No matter who they are and what they have done.

        Liked by 1 person

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