A Point of No Return?

It’s not uncommon for me to question my sexuality. I make the claim that I am bisexual, but today I’m questioning it.  It’s a label and I’ve had therapists suggest that I eliminate the label and not worry about characterizing myself. There is this idea that sexuality is a fluid concept and that characterizing it and placing it in a box could have a detrimental effect on human psyche. I get it, I grasp it, but I don’t always accept that reality.  Especially on days like today.

The questioning is deeper, I believe, and it has a lot to do with the state of my relationship, again.  There are days where I consider doing a series of posts on my marriage, but I rarely do that because there is the inherent reality that my side of the story gets told and the point of view of my wife gets left behind – having the effect of disparaging her reality on the matter. But, I also have other reasons for not sharing details, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I am ashamed of myself in a lot of ways. I have done things, said things and behaved in ways I should have no pride. And a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I have lost myself, I have rejected a lot of my principles, my way of looking at life and other things that have harmed my self-esteem.

Now, that I’m questioning my marriage, I’m questioning my sexuality again. And the reason why is because I have entertained the idea that if my marriage ends, will there be someone else with whom I might be interested in sharing my life. I think about it and I feel like I am more likely to be with a woman than with a man. And as I ponder this, I wonder if it’s because my tendency is not actually that of a bisexual.

Maybe I’m not bisexual. Maybe I seized on something, that I feel my wife inherently despises, because I have no emotional fortitude to stand up for myself and feel that on some level she would just be sick of me and end the marriage. I ponder if this is why I have rejected so many of the things that I felt used to make me a confident, self-assured individual. And then I wonder if I had given up so much of myself, doesn’t that just make me weak. And if I have been weak here, have I been weak in other areas of me life – like my sexual experiences with other guys. I mean, today, I can’t even remember the last time I felt good about myself with respect to my sexuality. What if I had symbolically bent over, not only realistically, but allegorically and just accepted that, which I would not normally enjoy or accept?

What if I am, just that weak of a person?

I mean, I can easily remember all of my stances on sexuality at one time – even in spite of my experiences. At one point in my life, I had made the assumption that my attitude towards my sexuality was dictated by the victimization I had faced at different times in my life. I think about the different things I saw and experienced as a child that really has no place within a child’s mind – even if some these were things I participated willingly, I can’t help but wonder if they placed psychological imprints on my mind, before I was capable of understanding what they mean.

I can see, within the struggle of my marriage, that there is some sort of recognition that I am flawed. And I can’t help but wonder if some of my flaws are sexually based. I can’t help but wonder, as I contemplate the state of my marriage, if I am geared one way or the other. I mean, if I’m honest, I can’t help but wonder if some of my problems in relationships have something to do with the way I’m wired with respect to sexual orientation. And if that’s the case, is there an inherent flaw in my thoughts and feelings, that were imposed and not naturally a part of who I am.

I also wonder, if anyone would even be interested in me, if they knew everything about me. What if there is a point of no return and I have already passed it? What if my marriage ends and I come to believe that I want to be with another woman but another woman would not want me, because of where I have been, sexually?  I’ve heard women speak before when it comes to bisexual men and a lot of them feel like a bisexual man is a threat from two standpoints – not only do women present a temptation to a man, but so do men.

I don’t know…

I have a lot of things floating around my head to day.

But today, I don’t want to be bisexual. I don’t want all of the experiences I’ve had in my life. I want something “normal”. I want a life I only dream about and I think there is something that will always prevent that for me.

My thoughts are all over the place, so I’m going to stop here.

33 thoughts on “A Point of No Return?

  1. Sunshine, maybe instead of looking at yourself as bisexual or heterosexual, just look at yourself as sexual. You are sexually attracted to people. Sometimes its a woman, sometimes it a man. You are too hung up on the fact that you are male who is sexually attracted to other males. Sexual preference or attraction should be no different then saying you are attracted a specific hair colour or all hair colours. It just shouldn’t matter.

    Also, should you move on from your marriage, I don’t think that you would have any issues finding someone new who would accept all of you. Be honest and anyone who is secure with themselves and your relationship would have no issue with being attracted to both sexes. I know that I wouldn’t. If you are going to stray then, then you are going to stray no matter if its with a female or male.

    Hugs
    A

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Exactly what W said above.. you are a not a label. You are not in a box. You are you, and whatever it is you are feeling. Maybe you feel sexual towards men today; maybe tomorrow it will be a woman. It doesn’t matter. I truly believe the same can be said about addiction – instead of saying you are an addict, switch it up and say instead that you have an addiction. Saying you are something, implies its a part of you. Saying you have something, on the other hand, implies you can also not have it. This makes sense in my head, and i hope i’m conveying properly. The same with mental illness. I am not depressed, i have depression.

    What matters is that you take care of you. If others judge, its their own shortcomings.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The truth is, love is love. You can’t choose who to love, or who to be attracted to. Yes, we inherently sometimes give into the mere concept of someone wanting us, regardless of whether or not we want them as well. We may have experiences regarding sexuality that we look on as being not something we are proud of. We may have done it in the moment because we saw no other option. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up over your past. You are responsible to move forward a day at a time. If you let your past plague you, or you chain yourself up with labels, you will only torment yourself. Use your experiences for your own greater good, and on here. You would be surprised how many people you could be helping as you help yourself on the road to recovery 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow! So much valuable insight I’m gaining today with this comment and the others.
      I appreciate that, and I do hang on to the past too much. It’s something I used to not do, but for some reason the last few years have me full of regret and remorse about things…but it’s all about living in the now, isn’t it? 🙂 Thank you for your comment.

      Like

  4. I tend to not see me as ‘this sexual’ or ‘that sexual’–if asked, I cheerfully say that ‘queer’ would fit me, since in theory I support everyone doing anything non-abusive sexually, and in practice, I do what I do with whoever the appropriate party is, or I do nothing at all. I have dated or been sexual with or in love with a range of folks in a range of categories, and that’s just fine. Sometimes being with those people was seemingly a mistake, but not because they were male/female/ trans/etc., but because we didn’t get along as well as I had hoped. So I moved on. At times I have considered myself bi or straight or asexual. There have been times when I had NO sexual interest in anybody or anything including me, and that was fine too, but wow do others get worked up about it, especially partners or those who want you to be something in a specific category. Just do your best, is what I might say, and if the subject makes you unhappy, skip it for the day! You or I love whom we love, and love is the greatest thing, and we don’t always have to act on it in a personal or sexual way. I love a lot of things and people that I don’t have sexual contact with, and that’s fine. To me, it’s the free flow of love that heals the world, NOT whether I ever kiss this one or have sex with that one or mary the other–best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I dont know why but this subject really stresses me out…. i wonder if we as a society wasnt so damn judgie that all these labels proclaim us in a jail like chamber and make us feel a tad judged with a sentence of you are this because i said so,, and this is how you will live your life because

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ok, so what I am saying the only reason you are stressed out about it is either 2 things.. someone is repeating a bad behavior or your allowing yourself to be a victim when you should be whatever…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. well, dont we all.. however, does it help? look at it this way… if you removed all those horrid labels of sexuality and put in place you are sexual.. that is brave thing to express about yourself.. why the hell not!! And let me tell you this.. if anyone wants to say thats bullshit.. tell them to go for a flying leap…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ok, then enjoy your drink, and wake up tomorrow and repeat this.. I am strong I am greedy cuz i like it both ways.. and everyone can go shove it up their asses.. they may like it..hehehehe joking

        Liked by 1 person

  6. well that makes over millions of us out there..they just got better friends.. that like them… or us because we are not people that like to live in a box we love the outside of a box and that is good..you are good.. they are.. well none of our business either .. let them be whatever.. do you really care? life isnt about dwelling on them its about exploring your life with a sexual openess about you.. WINNER.. well done.. now get out there and enjoy your life….xx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s