It’s not uncommon for me to question my sexuality. I make the claim that I am bisexual, but today I’m questioning it. It’s a label and I’ve had therapists suggest that I eliminate the label and not worry about characterizing myself. There is this idea that sexuality is a fluid concept and that characterizing it and placing it in a box could have a detrimental effect on human psyche. I get it, I grasp it, but I don’t always accept that reality. Especially on days like today.
The questioning is deeper, I believe, and it has a lot to do with the state of my relationship, again. There are days where I consider doing a series of posts on my marriage, but I rarely do that because there is the inherent reality that my side of the story gets told and the point of view of my wife gets left behind – having the effect of disparaging her reality on the matter. But, I also have other reasons for not sharing details, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I am ashamed of myself in a lot of ways. I have done things, said things and behaved in ways I should have no pride. And a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I have lost myself, I have rejected a lot of my principles, my way of looking at life and other things that have harmed my self-esteem.
Now, that I’m questioning my marriage, I’m questioning my sexuality again. And the reason why is because I have entertained the idea that if my marriage ends, will there be someone else with whom I might be interested in sharing my life. I think about it and I feel like I am more likely to be with a woman than with a man. And as I ponder this, I wonder if it’s because my tendency is not actually that of a bisexual.
Maybe I’m not bisexual. Maybe I seized on something, that I feel my wife inherently despises, because I have no emotional fortitude to stand up for myself and feel that on some level she would just be sick of me and end the marriage. I ponder if this is why I have rejected so many of the things that I felt used to make me a confident, self-assured individual. And then I wonder if I had given up so much of myself, doesn’t that just make me weak. And if I have been weak here, have I been weak in other areas of me life – like my sexual experiences with other guys. I mean, today, I can’t even remember the last time I felt good about myself with respect to my sexuality. What if I had symbolically bent over, not only realistically, but allegorically and just accepted that, which I would not normally enjoy or accept?
What if I am, just that weak of a person?
I mean, I can easily remember all of my stances on sexuality at one time – even in spite of my experiences. At one point in my life, I had made the assumption that my attitude towards my sexuality was dictated by the victimization I had faced at different times in my life. I think about the different things I saw and experienced as a child that really has no place within a child’s mind – even if some these were things I participated willingly, I can’t help but wonder if they placed psychological imprints on my mind, before I was capable of understanding what they mean.
I can see, within the struggle of my marriage, that there is some sort of recognition that I am flawed. And I can’t help but wonder if some of my flaws are sexually based. I can’t help but wonder, as I contemplate the state of my marriage, if I am geared one way or the other. I mean, if I’m honest, I can’t help but wonder if some of my problems in relationships have something to do with the way I’m wired with respect to sexual orientation. And if that’s the case, is there an inherent flaw in my thoughts and feelings, that were imposed and not naturally a part of who I am.
I also wonder, if anyone would even be interested in me, if they knew everything about me. What if there is a point of no return and I have already passed it? What if my marriage ends and I come to believe that I want to be with another woman but another woman would not want me, because of where I have been, sexually? I’ve heard women speak before when it comes to bisexual men and a lot of them feel like a bisexual man is a threat from two standpoints – not only do women present a temptation to a man, but so do men.
I don’t know…
I have a lot of things floating around my head to day.
But today, I don’t want to be bisexual. I don’t want all of the experiences I’ve had in my life. I want something “normal”. I want a life I only dream about and I think there is something that will always prevent that for me.
My thoughts are all over the place, so I’m going to stop here.