Earlier, I made a post about how empty I feel. I think that might have been a lie. Honestly, I’m feeling myself stepping back into alcoholic thinking and I’m trying to retreat from it and protect my own resentments and feelings. The truth of the matter is that I don’t feel empty at all, but regretful. I’m feeling a huge sense of regret of unfulfilled dreams and I’ve been contemplating some things about my life. The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of dreams and ambitions but I a feel bogged down with the responsibilities and consequences of the decisions I’ve made throughout life. And a lot of it has to do with neglecting all my own needs of self-fulfillment.
But, I think it’s more complex than just that. You see, I grew up with intense optimism (even in spite of some of the depressive set-backs I had a time or more) and full of hope premised on the one promise I kept hearing while growing up – “You can be anything you want.” Come to think of it, I think I’ve written about this before – either on my last blog (which has been deleted to the antiquities of WordPress) or on this one (and I’m too lazy to go back and look). I’ve certainly mentioned in this blog that my current career path no longer fulfills me, but I have not expanded much on the topic (This is a poorly written paragraph, because I’m tackling multiple thoughts in it).
You see, I am not so sure I understood that promise of being anything I wanted. The problem is that no one can serve two masters, right? Well, I’ve always been the type to tackle so many things and did it quite well, until I came to the reality that there are things in life that need my attention. Which means, something MUST be sacrificed – and I have sacrificed myself in a lot of ways and couldn’t wrap my head around why I wasn’t succeeding in different areas of my life. I was experiencing a distinct reality – I could not do everything I wanted to do. Maybe I could do anything, but everything seems like it is much more difficult a task. And lately, as I work through my alcoholism, my thoughts are leading me to wondering why I’m not doing anything I want.
My biggest problem, of course, is an inability to really decipher what’s the best options for me. But, I am not going to deny the things that interest me, the things that I love doing. In my earlier post, my friend Meg suggested I make a list of gratitudes like I did previously, but I’m going to do something slightly different. I’m going to lost things I enjoy or have interests – either as hobbies or as potential careers – because, I’m actually thankful that I can see these. So, here they are:
- All things Science – General and broad, so I’ll specify other things, but I have always loved science.
- Astronomy, Astrophysics, Cosmology – I remember the first time I looked at the stars and began asking questions. I wanted to be an astronaut so bad when I was growing up. 99% of all of my make believe games as a kid involved me pretending to be doing something/anything in space. When Star Wars came out and my favorite character was Luke Skywalker, I created my own space genre of play time activities where I pretended my name was Duke Quasar. Hey don’t laugh…I was like 5, when I started doing this and may or may not have quit a year or so ago…just kidding. I used to have some pretty cool telescopes too and got rid of them for various reasons. 😦
- Chemistry. I have a degree in Chemical Engineering, but when I decided on a career that involved chemistry, I had always hoped I would be involved in research or development of some sort. What I do now, unfortunately, is not what I had in mind.
- Martial Arts. Okay, so some of you know this, some of you do not, but I have a 5th degree blackbelt in taekwon-do. I used to be really good at this and I had always assumed it would always be an intimate part of my life. Unfortunately, I let it go and sometimes it just seems overwhelming to try and get back into shape again.
- Something people oriented. I used to be a police officer and used to love that job, but I left it to pursue and finish my degree in Chemical Engineering. I have played with the idea of being a teacher, but unfortunately, going into teaching will absolutely not meet the financial obligations I have at this current place in time.
- Research – I love to read. I love to understand ideas and be able to share them and discuss them. As I mentioned above, I always thought I would be involved in research and development somehow, but have never really had the chance. I remember when I was in college and worked part tome for my academic advisor’s research lab. I wish I would have taken it a little more seriously, because I absolutely loved working in a laboratory and always had a desire to do that sort of thing.
- Hiking. I have written (copiously) about my relationship with God – or lack thereof, as the case maybe. Well, nature give me that. It’s truly how I experience God (and believe it or not, science – chemistry and astronomy – does this for me too). It give me some introspective solitude that I don’t know how to explain. Camping in nature does this for me as much as hiking does too.
- Mountaineering – Kind of a subset of hiking and camping, but I love mountains especially. I have been trying to hike Colorado’s 14ers and currently have four under my belt, but this year will mark three years, since I last went. I’m hoping to get a couple done this year. Also, a few years ago, when I was laid off, I had spent some of my time trying to learn how to rock climb – the best exercise ever! I didn’t do it for long, but maybe I’ll get the chance again sometime.
Earlier, I had some fleeting thoughts about how safe my sobriety was going to be today. But, I’m glad I wrote this post – it made me feel better and I’m thankful that I am able to list some things I like.