I have indicated in several posts before, but I had a hard time coming to terms with and understanding my sexuality. The problem is that there was little focus or little attention on anything outside of mainstream heterosexual relationships – and even those downgraded the sexual interactions of couples in the public eye. As I’ve mentioned before, there was no such thing as “bisexual” only gay – and some of my experiences have indicated as much. And, one of the things that confused me is that I was not just attracted to males, I often found myself attracted to females too. Truthfully, my attractions to females were far more than my attractions to males, but I feel like I often forget to indicate that in my writing – or maybe, I am worried about people’s views of me and I want to make sure that this part of me is not forgotten as I explore my sexual nature in this writing. I had a previous blog where I talked about my same-sex experiences far more often than I did my same-sex experiences and I felt like I was forgetting that part of myself – which is very relevant. But it has the connotation of being “normal”, because it is easily accepted by most people. The reality of the matter is that I think a lot of my interactions with girls – and later with women – are probably considered normal and lacks anything of notability. But, I want to include these things in my discussion of my Sexual and Relationship Development series.
A lot of my high school years were spent focused on girls. I had really, by this time, assumed my same-sex interactions were forgettable, a part of experimentation and just a result of my victimization as a young child. So, beginning to really pay attention to girls really made a lot of attention to me. And I probably behaved a lot like normal teenaged boys – albeit I had parents that really pushed for respect for women. So, I rarely pushed anything into a sexual situation, but that does not mean that I wasn’t excited enough to do it and some of my interactions were pretty pathetic – such as losing my virginity.
So, basically, in high school I was trying to date girls. I never seemed to be the kind of guy that girls were crazy about, but I think a lot appreciated that I was respectful and nice – although, things would not always go very far. I think there are only a few girls with whom I had gone out on dates in high school. But it wasn’t until my senior year in high school before I really had a girlfriend – and she cheated on me with a couple of guys (Oddly enough, this happened to me more than I like to admit. Did these girls know something I didn’t know about myself?).
I was still a somewhat typical guy. I remember one summer going up to the park where my high school cheerleaders would practice. Of course, I was there “playing basketball”, but I took the opportunity to look at these girls. Was it an objectifying act? Probably so, but I can’t deny that I was as horny and attracted to girls. I had posters of different actresses and models in my bedroom that I would….hmmm…embarrass my mother when she did laundry and discovered my bedsheets and undershorts.
Yes, the dreaded wet-dream earned me a talk about the birds and the bees from my parents. And the advice I received from my dad was not much, other than a comment of understanding with, “Well, it looks like you had a wild dream about some girl. Well, some day you’ll find someone you love very much and can act on it.” My mom’s advice was a little less tactful as she said, “If you’re gonna have sex, you better wear a rubber.” Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but they really didn’t have a clue.
As I mentioned, I had the opportunity to go on several different dates in high school, but most of the girls I dated did not really add to my sexual experiences. There were some girls that I got to make out with, there were some girls that were obviously not into me, and there were a couple of girls that we shared some minor touching. I think for me, a lot of the significant events I had with girls should deserve their own posts, but I wanted to take a moment to express that women did have a role in my sexual experiences, but they were also very mainstream. As I became older and some of my relationships become more significant, there is more to discuss. But other things were very normal and very mundane. And, I think some of it is supposed to be that way right? Not every person we encounter – romantically or otherwise will hold the highest significance in our lives.