As many of you already know, I am on Twitter quite a bit and I enjoy playing Hashtag Games. These games range from complete silliness to complete seriousness and they can be thought provoking, fun, revealing, insightful, political, sexual, witty, and so on and so forth. They are extremely open ended.
Yesterday, there was a game that had the hashtag I used as part of the title to this post: #BeBraveShareYourStory. And reading through some of the responses, there are some amazingly strong people in the world – truthfully, very admirable people that have risen above some major challenges in life. For a brief moment, I was going to be serious about some of the issues I have faced in life – which I’ll mention a tad later in this post – but I took a slight connotation of the game as if I were being witty. It could have been described as coy, but I felt oddly vulnerable posting anything serious to this particular game for varying reasons. But someone very insightful, could easily pick up the darkness behind my tweet.
Let me show you:
- My Tweet to #BeBraveShareYourStory: “I avoid the exploitation of my shortcomings like the plague. Am I doing this right?”
- A response to my tweet: You are. The sadness is inferred. Frankly, this post is the darkest yet. Cowardice masquerading as a pithy tweet.”
I have to admit, it was an extremely jaw-dropping moment for me to read that response. Scarily accurate insight to my mind, I think. Granted, I’m not fond of being referred to with the “cowardice” description, but it is accurate. Although, I’m sure this Twitter user was not aware of my blog, I behave like this in so many ways.
I don’t like it.
I seem to not find comfort in my own skin and it’s more than a nuisance. But, let me mention some of the things I feel I refuse to be vulnerable about, although I try and I struggle with them, I have a difficult time recognizing these things as a part of who I am:
- Obviously, my sexuality. I won’t drone on about it, because I post so many things about it that anyone interested can easily find them. I post, specifically about being bisexual, my struggles about sexuality and I post a series on my sexual development (which sometimes, I feel like I’m exploiting myself).
- Relationships – namely my marriage. Honestly, I feel my inability to engage in a non-toxic relationship is probably my worst struggle. I don’t discuss the nature of my marriage, I don’t discuss the details of our problems – and it has a tremendous amount to do with the fact that I don’t relationship very well and have a huge problem with accepting defeat in most things (interesting segue into the next item)
- Sobriety – I just can’t seem to stop drinking. I don’t get drunk, but I recognize the tendency is there since I never have just one beer. I get one and I need at least 2 or three more to feel “okay”. I can go stretched of time without having a beer, but I have not made it to 90 days sober in the past 10 years. I can’t seem to grasp this very well
- My weight and my health. This is another one I don’t really spend a great deal of time discussing. I mention it, but it is a really sensitive issue for me and the most honest I can be is that I’m embarrassed.
- Mental Health – I haven’t been to a therapist in over two years, but I struggle with depression and anxiety. The past couple of weeks, my anxiety level has been extremely high. I often tell myself, I need to get back to it, but I have this fear of my bosses finding out, colleagues finding out, family members finding out and all of the other self-imposed stigmas that go along with it. Granted, I feel much better now than I did almost three years ago when I attempted suicide (maybe, I’ll discuss this more sometime…)
Right at the moment, I can only think of one thing that prevents me from being blatantly honest with myself and it has a lot to do with something a therapist told me once. I have a fear of not being loved, I believe. I remember a therapist I was seeing, repeatedly telling me, “You are worthy of love.”
It’s believing it that is difficult for me…
…and I don’t know why.