It seems as if I’ve stepped away from blogging again, since I haven’t been around much and my last few posts have indicated some negativity (as if?!). Well, I’ve had a few changes the past month or so (I don’t even know the relativity of time in my life at the moment) and haven’t really had the opportunity to put much thought into my blog. The reality is, however, that I am feeling such high levels of frustration and anxiety that I have not idea how to handle things at the moment.
I have some desire to really make some changes – something I’ve said before, of course – but I am realizing that I don’t really know how to live life anymore. I feel like all of my efforts amount to nothing and I am frustrated at trying to open up about the things I am frustrated about. It’s like a snowball effect of turmoil and chaos created from an inability to garner a solution. I have a lot of challenges and can’t fathom how to rank their seriousness and priority. And this leads to more frustration.
I do know one thing, however, that all of my emotions and feelings are originating in the fear I have in moving forward right now. The thing I don’t like, however, is that I am not handling my emotional well being very well at all. I don’t know how to let go of the things that require my attention long enough to take a breath or proverbially smell the flower next to me. It all feels so overwhelming – new job, dealing with my relationships, addressing my financial problems, trying to take up a fight for my health again, dealing with this stupid drinking, trying to find peace in all of the turmoil.
I have been able to share with people online and receive the moral “atta boys” or “keep fighting” or “don’t give up” that is nice to hear. But I don’t have any solutions. I’m in a precarious point in my life that feels like a tipping point of true and honest change or the perpetuity of living in muck. I feel like I continue to run into a brick wall when I get geared up to make changes, I’m desiring to find the tools to help me over, around, under or through that wall and it seems like I can’t find them.
This brick wall led me to something else incredibly dark a few weeks ago when trying to deal with my relationship. Honestly, I don’t even feel comfortable discussing it nor do I want to offer details, but I had suicidal thoughts again. Something I hadn’t experienced in a couple of years. There’s more to it than just mentioning it, but it scared me much more than ever before. Honestly, I had the thoughts again last week while drinking…
The whole topic of suicide would probably require it’s own post, but rest assured that at this moment, I am safe. I am frustrated with everything, but I have no thoughts of doing anything rash. I have had some support and I am strongly considering returning to a therapist to truly flesh out the things I need to be healthy. I just hate – absolutely deplore – the idea that I can’t manage life. I want, more than anything, to be respected, to feel loved, to provide love, to be something meaningful, to have a sense of fulfillment.
But I also know that the brickwall wins, if I give up.