It seems as if I’ve stepped away from blogging again, since I haven’t been around much and my last few posts have indicated some negativity (as if?!). Well, I’ve had a few changes the past month or so (I don’t even know the relativity of time in my life at the moment) and haven’t really had the opportunity to put much thought into my blog. The reality is, however, that I am feeling such high levels of frustration and anxiety that I have not idea how to handle things at the moment.

I have some desire to really make some changes – something I’ve said before, of course – but I am realizing that I don’t really know how to live life anymore. I feel like all of my efforts amount to nothing and I am frustrated at trying to open up about the things I am frustrated about. It’s like a snowball effect of turmoil and chaos created from an inability to garner a solution. I have a lot of challenges and can’t fathom how to rank their seriousness and priority. And this leads to more frustration.

I do know one thing, however, that all of my emotions and feelings are originating in the fear I have in moving forward right now. The thing I don’t like, however, is that I am not handling my emotional well being very well at all. I don’t know how to let go of the things that require my attention long enough to take a breath or proverbially smell the flower next to me. It all feels so overwhelming – new job, dealing with my relationships, addressing my financial problems, trying to take up a fight for my health again, dealing with this stupid drinking, trying to find peace in all of the turmoil.

I have been able to share with people online and receive the moral “atta boys” or “keep fighting” or “don’t give up” that is nice to hear. But I don’t have any solutions. I’m in a precarious point in my life that feels like a tipping point of true and honest change or the perpetuity of living in muck.  I feel like I continue to run into a brick wall when I get geared up to make changes, I’m desiring to find the tools to help me over, around, under or through that wall and it seems like I can’t find them.

This brick wall led me to something else incredibly dark a few weeks ago when trying to deal with my relationship.  Honestly, I don’t even feel comfortable discussing it nor do I want to offer details, but I had suicidal thoughts again. Something I hadn’t experienced in a couple of years. There’s more to it than just mentioning it, but it scared me much more than ever before. Honestly, I had the thoughts again last week while drinking…

The whole topic of suicide would probably require it’s own post, but rest assured that at this moment, I am safe. I am frustrated with everything, but I have no thoughts of doing anything rash. I have had some support and I am strongly considering returning to a therapist to truly flesh out the things I need to be healthy. I just hate – absolutely deplore – the idea that I can’t manage life. I want, more than anything, to be respected, to feel loved, to provide love, to be something meaningful, to have a sense of fulfillment.

But I also know that the brickwall wins, if I give up.

12 thoughts on “Brickwall

  1. Meanwhile it might be really helpful to just keep writing, privately on paper, and just write out everything you can think of, drama and nondrama and just whatever comes out. It’s like clearing out your clogs in your pipes–and if you feel it isn’t private or safe at home, you can always write on napkins or toilet paper and flush them when you finish writing. That’s what i tell some of my clients who feel unsafe or like they have no privacy. Good luck with it. Things are so hard lately for a lot of folks, and I think we often pick up other people’s vibes, from the news, from in-person and online–

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      1. They’ve shown that being in the room with someone angry tends to make others tense and angry, and that being happy genuinely seems contagious too, so I believe it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Sweetie….Don’t you dare give up! I know I’ve not been around much but I adore you and we need you here. WP needs you. You’re an original peace of beauty that I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know. I have a strong feeling you’ve done some great work here on opening people’s eyes to depression, anxiety, etc. Whether you want to admit it or not…’re a beautiful light to us and help others too with your life’s ups and downs. Anytime you feel down e mail me Ok? 💋

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  3. Forget about the rumors, or the hypocritical Bible-thumpers you’ve known. Read the Book that tells you all about yourself…the book that gives hope and tells the truth. Read the book of John in the Bible. ESV version — plain and simple & easy to grasp.

    Liked by 1 person

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