I hate the fact that I question this about myself.
I despise that, once again, I’m sitting here contemplating if I am actually an alcoholic. Honestly, I don’t know if I am or if I simply enjoy the taste of beer. I’m sitting her this morning, starting another attempt at being sober. It feels weird that I don’t feel compulsion to drink, but at the same time I simply continue to do it. I don’t get trashed. I don’t get drunk. I’ve never been in a fight with someone due to alcohol. I have only one negative consequence as a result of drinking alcohol: There isn’t enough in the world to help me hide how I feel about myself and my life.
That’s right, I don’t drink for any other reason (although, I really, really, really like the taste of dark beers) than to hide how much I can’t stand myself or my situation or the seeming lack of control I have over myself, my situation or my life. My complete negativity runs amok – even in spite of the fact that there are some positive things going on in my life.
I am not unwilling to make changes to my life, I am not unwilling to take on different ideas on how to solve the problems I face. I am not avoiding responsibility, nearly as much as trying to hide the extreme self-criticism I put myself through as I try and tackle major issues in my life. I want to do the right things. I want to approach things with the right attitude and own the responsibilities of my life. But, it feels like everything I do is a complete failure.
I am lost.
I am frustrated.
I am able to smile, but it doesn’t last.
I need to find a solution for different things, but I recognize I can’t do everything and I don’t know where to go to seek the answers. For the longest time, I felt my problems were all mental. I really don’t think they are mental health issues. I believe they are practical problems that have practical solutions – I just can’t seem to see or find what those solutions are.
Am I afraid?
Yes. I am afraid of possible outcomes. I am afraid of the impact things have on the people around me. I am worried about failing again – not because failure will stop me, but because it adds to the list of hindrances I keep facing.
I’m stuck. I have been for far too long. I need some practical solutions and I’m unsure how to achieve the things in my life I want to achieve. I turn 46 in less than two months and it makes me feel like I am losing time in my life to accomplish the things I want to accomplish.
But I am still questioning if I am an alcoholic or not.
I know, I know…
The fact that I’m questioning, is a good indicator that I am one. But drinking beer seems to be the only thing I am good at doing anymore.
This might be Day 1…I don’t know.