Alcoholic much?

I hate the fact that I question this about myself.

I despise that, once again, I’m sitting here contemplating if I am actually an alcoholic.  Honestly, I don’t know if I am or if I simply enjoy the taste of beer.  I’m sitting her this morning, starting another attempt at being sober. It feels weird that I don’t feel compulsion to drink, but at the same time I simply continue to do it. I don’t get trashed. I don’t get drunk. I’ve never been in a fight with someone due to alcohol. I have only one negative consequence as a result of drinking alcohol: There isn’t enough in the world to help me hide how I feel about myself and my life.

That’s right, I don’t drink for any other reason (although, I really, really, really like the taste of dark beers) than to hide how much I can’t stand myself or my situation or the seeming lack of control I have over myself, my situation or my life. My complete negativity runs amok – even in spite of the fact that there are some positive things going on in my life.

I am not unwilling to make changes to my life, I am not unwilling to take on different ideas on how to solve the problems I face. I am not avoiding responsibility, nearly as much as trying to hide the  extreme self-criticism I put myself through as I try and tackle major issues in my life. I want to do the right things. I want to approach things with the right attitude and own the responsibilities of my life. But, it feels like everything I do is a complete failure.

I am lost.

I am frustrated.

I am able to smile, but it doesn’t last.

I need to find a solution for different things, but I recognize I can’t do everything and I don’t know where to go to seek the answers. For the longest time, I felt my problems were all mental. I really don’t think they are mental health issues. I believe they are practical problems that have practical solutions – I just can’t seem to see or find what those solutions are.

Am I afraid?

Yes. I am afraid of possible outcomes.  I am afraid of the impact things have on the people around me. I am worried about failing again – not because failure will stop me, but because it adds to the list of hindrances I keep facing.

I’m stuck. I have been for far too long. I need some practical solutions and I’m unsure how to achieve the things in my life I want to achieve. I turn 46 in less than two months and it makes me feel like I am losing time in my life to accomplish the things I want to accomplish.

I’m stuck.

But I am still questioning if I am an alcoholic or not.

I know, I know…

The fact that I’m questioning, is a good indicator that I am one. But drinking beer seems to be the only thing I am good at doing anymore.

This might be Day 1…I don’t know.

32 thoughts on “Alcoholic much?

  1. I know you say you drink to escape the way you feel about yourself, but, alcohol is a depressant. It’s likely backfiring a bit on your mindset, if that makes sense. Is there something you could replace it with? Walking, hiking, a hobby? No, I don’t necessarily think you’re an alcoholic, from what you write. But, I don’t think it helps your psyche much.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think you drink mostly because you are self medicating to avoid what you’re really feeling. Until you get the help you need to unravel those feelings, all the AA etc. is not going to help you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautifully expressed.

    I occasionally call myself an alcoholic, but I’m more a monumental self loather that happens to get relief from alcohol than an alcoholic. I’m addicted to whatever thing that makes me not feel like me.
    I’d say, go see a psyche—it’s worth a shot.
    Good luck, friend.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you! You’re the second person to nominate me for this award. I’m horrible at getting these done, but I do appreciate the recognition. If I get a chance, after doing the other person’s first, I’ll try to do this.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh the never ending debate, am I an alcoholic because no one has actually diagnosed me as one, I just know that I am. I have this play through my head OFTEN and we both know the answer. It’s really hard but I congratulate you for coming back here and writing about it, it might not feel like it but that is helping. By getting some of the thoughts and questions out of your head and out into blogging world is a start. Doesn’t have to be in a blog it could be a journal, what ever floats your boat. Welcome to the start of your day one.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think some things can genuinely help, like substituting better addictions, like sonofa says above: it doesn’t have to be some Giant Declaration Of Changing Habits, but just “right now I’ll go for a walk with a big bottle of water” and “now I’ll write on paper (not online) everything I feel just to get it out, and maybe I’ll debate with myself on paper WHY I feel worthless and if that’s true and what I am NOT worthless about, since there are some good things about me”. Julia Cameron who wrote The Artist’s Way recommends what she calls ‘morning pages’, just writing three pages of whatever comes out of your head for yourself privately, and she mentioned that somehow people seems to be more present when they write onpaper as opposed to online, so I also recommend on paper. Good luck with it, and best advice: drink a lot of water, get enough exercise, get decent food and sleep. They help a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If it makes you feel any better, I was 48 before I got my kick in the pants to do some serious, productive work on myself. It doesn’t happen all at once either, it’s a process. Give yourself a break and take manageable steps to solving problems. Trying to tackle everything is overwhelming and makes one go back to hiding or self-medicating. That may give you temporary relief but it hinders your personal progress. There’s been some solid advice here in comments. I wish you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Have you ever looked into solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT)? I’m not particularly familiar with it, but the general gist of it sounds like it could potentially match what you’re looking for.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. What’s the worst that could happen if you declare that you are, indeed, an alcoholic?
    Maybe you might get sober and find freedom. It might be the start of something different. It might just be the right path.

    The happiest people I know are sober alcoholics. They have chosen life.

    Aa has a good path to self awareness and forgiveness. That’s where self compassion starts. With honesty.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. As mentioned above, alcohol is a depressant so there is no relief – it’ll only make everything seem worse. At the time it numbs our senses, effectively knocking out our survival systems and of course if we’re numb we can’t feel ANYTHING and we probably equate this with relief. But it’s just a very short moment before the depressant kicks in and knocks you down. And unfortunately it won’t just make you FEEL worse, things will potentially (or probably!) BE worse too because you’ll be less able to cope. I always drank wine but in sobriety I’ve discovered alcohol free beer and it’s awesome – love the taste and it comes without all the shit alcohol brings me. I can’t tell you what to do anymore than I can possibly know what your solutions and way forward might be, but I can speak for myself and I know this for sure: I am happier, I am healthier, I am stronger both mentally and physically, I am calmer, I feel harmony and although a stressful and painful situation I am right in the middle of is hurting me to the point of sleepless nights I am much better placed to deal with it. I did think to myself the other night when I went to bed after having cried and felt utter despair, how much worse this would all be if I was still drinking. You know all this though, I get that.

    How about not giving a f*ck about the label? Whether you’re an alcoholic or a goddamn magical unicorn, what difference does it make? Just see booze for what it is: poison that will bring you no benefit whatsoever. If you ever feel relief it’s because the booze you drink relieves the discomfort it caused in the first place. Or we mistake feeling numb for feeling less pain. I’m an alcoholic, I know this 100%, but even if I weren’t there would be no benefit in drinking – not a single one – so actually, it doesn’t matter that much. Just like I would probably react badly to arsenic as well, but I don’t feel deprived that I can’t have that either because I know it has no benefits. 🙂

    Imagine this: your fire alarm is beeping. The fire alarm is the pain you feel and Mother Nature’s way of alerting you to a problem. In this case your house is on fire. Would the problem be fixed if you removed the battery in the alarm? The beeping would stop! That’s what drinking does. Or you fly a plane in terrible weather conditions and the instrument board starts giving you lots of warning signals about flying too close to a mountain chain. Disengaging there warning systems doesn’t make the mountains go away, right? You’ve just made the problem much worse because now you don’t know how close you are or how bad it is after having disengaged the very controls that are there to keep you flying safely and keep you alive! But this is what drinking does.

    Again, you know this.

    I’ve followed your blog since I became sober and as with many other bloggers I follow, I kind of feel we know each other. I care about you and I worry when you’ve not written in a while. You are amazingly strong for sharing your innermost thoughts and your journey – that takes a lot of courage – and I am so hopeful you can navigate through all of this. If I can ask one thing it’d be that you never stop reaching out, be it here or to find help in dark moments. Together we’re stronger.

    Big hugs,
    Anna

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I’m speechless…you do me great honor complimenting me…I have a hard time with that. I’ll take everything you say into consideration and I know I don’t want to drink (or am I lying to myself?), but I do know that I don’t feel strong enough to refuse it…I feel like I double speak about it all too.

      Thank you.

      Like

  10. It’s obvious you can do anything you want to do. You’ve done it before and you’ll do it again IF you want to. I believe in you…..Always have. It’s up to you and I bet there are groups you could join locally to help with support maybe? I’m sure you’ve checked into that and you’re getting all sorts of advice. Just know I’m here and I do not judge you or your problems. I will support you know matter what you do ever. We all have our issues don’t we? But you shine darling. Believe it or not, the blogging I think helps you a lot. It’s nice that you can come here and type out your feelings and have just a bit of comfort from us your blog family 🙂 XO

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This resonates so strongly with me. I struggle not to drink too much but when I start I want to have 2 or 3 glasses. To be honest, I just like the slightly buzzed feeling but always regret the headache the next day. One step at a time…

    Liked by 1 person

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