I have a friend – both here and on Twitter – that used the phrase “You go girl!” as a comment to something I posted on Twitter. Playfully, I mentioned, “I’m like 38% female, so what?”. Granted, I was being playful and goofy and making lighthearted fun of my sexuality, but my friend’s comment made me feel really good. It reminded me of my last blog, as well. It was a blog I had deleted, entirely, because I felt like I lost myself in it’s words, in its posts and in its complete instability.
Truthfully, I never felt comfortable with it or the path it was beginning to take. I was going through a lot, at the time, and I believe the escapism Stephanie provided me, was a much needed reprieve from the stress, depression and anxiety I felt at the time. Stephanie provided me a chance to come to terms with some of the feminine characteristics I felt existed within myself. I felt fairly comfortable with being Stephanie and so many people were supportive and encouraging of how I felt.
The truth of the matter, however, is that I am not a woman (duh!). I am a man. And I felt like there was something, inherently, wrong with me. Of course, this is the evil dichotomy of my sexual orientation anyways: This constant inability to fully accept myself as I am or how I should be. I have always felt at odds with it and have always understood myself to not be quite “normal” (Please remember, when I use the word “normal”, it’s strictly from a statistical/mathematical definition of the word). I was somewhat torn between being a man and having innately feminine characteristics about some aspects of my identity.
I don’t think it is important to go through a litany of different things that try and prove one over the other, but suffice it to say that I am in a somewhat more serene place now than I used to be. I have not desire to change my physical gender, and I do enjoy engaging in those things that are considered stereotypical male, but I also enjoy the recognition I get from those people that refer to me in a feminine way.
It’s odd, I know it.
But I gain some comfort from the occasional remarks that allude to a feminine persona. I like it when my friends refer to me as a “princess” or say things like “you go girl”. I find exhibiting some language in a feminine manner to be somewhat natural too. And, I like it when I’m considered “one of the girls” too. At the same time, however, I don’t want to disengage from my masculinity either. I have a certain level of testosterone that has me feeling every bit as aggressive and “male” as one might imagine. It’s almost like a strange switch that happens with me under certain circumstances.
What I know is this:
I am what I am.
I am who I am.
I am me.