What are you most self-conscious about?

How many of you remember when I began this blog?  Well, I began it after deleting my last blog. And the reason I deleted it, is because I felt I spent way too much time on my sexuality that I felt like my personality had disappeared. The reality is that I didn’t want my primary focus in life to be on my sexuality.

Now, as I continue on this blog, I notice myself focusing on my sexuality again.  I think there is a lot wrong with me (Understatement much?), but there are some things that still hold a lot of power over my thinking and the past couple days have been spent with me contemplating the things that make me self-conscious – my sexuality, is probably the most pervasive in my mind.

Sure, there are “normal” things that bother me:

  • parenthood
  • relationships (especially my marriage)
  • my health and weight
  • getting older
  • unfulfilled, professionally
  • etc.

But there are a couple of things that have really been with me for so long and I have not figured them out. My struggle with sobriety comes up. I haven’t mentioned too often on this blog, but suicide has been a matter (I had a little brother take his own life almost 19 years ago, as well as my own attempts), my struggle with religion, but nothing seems to bother me more than my sexuality.

And, as I have said before, I hate, hate, hate, hate that I can’t be comfortable enough with it that it is just a tidbit of fact. I feel like I have to mention it, to accept it in myself. I feel like I’m always talking about it and forcing it down other people’s throats in some pedantic attempt to get other people to accept me. But I have to face it.

I have to face that it is what it is, there is no acceptance from outside.

It’s something that I feel must be incorporated into my own mind as something completely natural.

But, today when I’m lost in thought and I ask myself, “What are you most self-conscious about?”, the answer is my sexuality, obviously.

In spite of the fact, that I had someone comment on one of my earlier posts this week that I seem much more comfortable with my identity than ever before, there is still this smidgen of doubt in my worthiness as a human being as result of my sexuality. I feel it. I feel this sense that somehow I can;t be treated with respect, dignity, or seriousness if anyone were to know I’m bisexual.

I don’t understand why that is the case…

I don’t know why I can’t focus on other things. I don’t know why I don’t have a sense of purpose that drives me forward in life in a way that my sexuality is no more a thing than the flavor of ice cream I like. It reeks of the mentality of a hormonal, high-school aged kid. It’s a shallow level of thinking, because I know my thoughts are much more complex than this, but they drift into this lower level of self-absorbed need for acceptance from others.

Or maybe,there is nothing more complex than our need for human connection…

I don’t know, but I’m curious what other people are most self-conscious about and why. So, care to share your thoughts?

20 thoughts on “What are you most self-conscious about?

  1. Why is that not the case? The answer is rather simple, namely, we’ve seen how societies around the world have reacted to homosexuals across almost any period of time you want to think of and that reaction hasn’t exactly been a kind one. Tack on the fact that some people lack… vision; you say “bisexual” and most people automatically think “homosexual” and just take for granted that they’re one and the same which makes sense to them since those same people only pay attention to the homosexual things a bisexual might do.

    Well, who wants to have that dumb shit thrown up in their face at every turn? Does it devalue you as a person? That depends on who’s looking at you and those die-hard fans of heterosexuality tend to cast a gimlet eye on those who aren’t heterosexual… then there are homosexuals who you’d think would have a better understanding who would cast that same gimlet eye and because you’re (not necessarily you) aren’t homosexual like they are. So it seems as if you can’t win for losing when it comes to being accepted by others but as I’ve been telling you for quite some time now, the person who needs to accept it is you; you accept it, own it, and while you know there are others who won’t feel all glad and happy about this thing about you, there’s nothing you can do about how they might react… so why worry or otherwise make yourself insane about it?

    And don’t you have more important things to be worried about?

    At this point in my life, I’m not too self-conscious about much of anything; then again, I’ve long since learned to be okay with myself and no matter what anyone else might think – and that is an all-inclusive thing, not just a sexuality one. Like, someone asked me if I felt self-conscious about having to wear dentures and they seemed to be surprised when I replied, “No – should I be?” Sure, there was a time when I was self-conscious about a lot of things because it was “important” how other people saw me, whether they accepted me or not, stuff like that until, as I said, I learned not to place a whole lot of importance on that because if I’m not okay with myself, that’s the real problem that needs to be worked on and resolved. As far as being bisexual goes, it’s kinda obvious: People are either gonna accept it or they aren’t so if they do, fine, but if they don’t, they just don’t and them not liking or approving of it is going to stop me from being who and what I am.

    To me, that means I’m being what (and who) they want me to be and not being who (and what) I know I need to be… and I ain’t trying to hear that. Being your own man, at least in my opinion, doesn’t mean being someone else’s idea of what a man should be and, again, either you’re gonna be okay with me or you aren’t and if not, I do have more important things to be concerned about. It never feels good when someone disapproves of you but as I get older, I find that I don’t really give a flying fuck what other people think and I’m pretty sure it’s not just me because I see this same mindset with others my age and older. It’s not a thing that we seriously don’t care – we just have more important things we need to tend to rather than wasting that valuable time being self-conscious about things that we may or may not be able to do anything about.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yup, you sure are. We get input from the people around us every day; some of it we pay attention to because it’s important and the rest we usually don’t pay much attention to. When you’re married, jeez, your wife has a lot of shit to say which is why husbands developed selective hearing; if you don’t have anything good to say, honey, I’m just gonna act like I’m listening to you until you actually say something I need to pay attention to. When it comes to sexuality, who are you gonna listen to: The people who have shitty things to say (and who usually don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about) or the people who share your sexuality and let you know that it’s okay to feel the way you do? I know who I’d listen to on this one.

        I’ve been following and reading for a while and I’d never say that you don’t have things you need to get squared away inside your head, you do tend to make this harder than it has to be and beginning with overly worrying about what other people might be thinking. The only real and serious thing you should be focused on is staying on the wagon… but as long as you’re beating yourself up about stuff that you have little or no control over, that’s never gonna be easy.

        I keep urging you to man up and stop beating yourself up and making things worse for yourself. You should write about the stuff that plagues you because it gets it out of your system but you should also go back and read the stuff you’ve already written so you can look at something and say, “You know, I shouldn’t be getting bent out of shape about this…” or “I could do something about this…” or even, “Damn, ain’t much I can do about this right now (or at all)!” Read it and then ask yourself if you should be behaving the way you seem to be doing and if you see that you shouldn’t, then figure out how to stop behaving like that so you can be okay with yourself.

        Worry about the shit you can do something about; being self-conscious is like those folks who get high on weed and now they’re thinking that the whole world knows they’re high when, in truth, they either don’t know or could care less if you’re high.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Work the problems that can be worked; do the best you can with what you have at hand; if you need help, ask for it. Repeat as necessary. We cannot solve problems by trying to worry them away; sure, we have to think about them so we can identify them then determine if we can do something about them; anything more than that and all you’re doing is wasting time and energy thinking about unsolvable issues when you could be using that time and energy to work the issues you can do something about. Not all issues are immediately and easily solved; some take time and extra effort to tame (as it were). How do you know if a problem is unworkable? Easy – everything you try to do to resolve it doesn’t work and might even make the situation worse. So you put it on the shelf until such time a solution can be found.

        The one thing, being bisexual, isn’t always so simple to set aside in that sense but it’s probably the easiest issue to resolve in that you have two choices: Do something or don’t do anything; either you can or you can’t and if you can’t, no point in losing any sleep over it. What other people think – or you’re so paranoid that you think that they’re thinking things – isn’t so much unimportant as it is, in most cases, their opinion and not one based on experience, which is important because the facts are what they are and those facts are inherently skewed and in ways that could put you to sleep were I to really try to explain them.

        People are gonna talk, form their opinions, and even hold true to what they believe in and that’s fine… doesn’t have shit to do with how you perceive yourself and being comfortable in your own skin about being bisexual. Fact is that no matter what anyone says, their words cannot ever change the fact that you’re bisexual and, duh, you’re either gonna be cool about being bisexual or you aren’t… and being cool with it is the best solution and one to keep you from beating your head against the wall about something that you really can’t do much about at times.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m an introvert and generally quite comfortable with that, but I do feel very self-conscious when I’m in situations where it would be expected that I make small talk and I just can’t come up with BS to talk about. With people I know well I’m very comfortable with silence, but silence with someone I don’t know very well makes me feel like I’m failing to live up to basic social expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmm sitting trying to decide which one is more pressing, I am very self conscious about my weight and find social situations very stressful worrying about people judging how I look and also I suffer anxiety and it worries me going out and not having interesting things to talk to people about as they might find things I’m into very boring.

    On the bisexual side I know I am attracted to both sexes and could be quite happy with either as a partner. I am not open about this to people because I have been alone for so long I don’t think it’s worth explaining it to people unless I need to.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sexuality is at the core of our identity so I think it is normal for you to think about it so much especially since we live in a hetero friendly society. My health and weight are always on my mind but recently I grieve about losing my youthfulness.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s