How many of you remember when I began this blog? Well, I began it after deleting my last blog. And the reason I deleted it, is because I felt I spent way too much time on my sexuality that I felt like my personality had disappeared. The reality is that I didn’t want my primary focus in life to be on my sexuality.
Now, as I continue on this blog, I notice myself focusing on my sexuality again. I think there is a lot wrong with me (Understatement much?), but there are some things that still hold a lot of power over my thinking and the past couple days have been spent with me contemplating the things that make me self-conscious – my sexuality, is probably the most pervasive in my mind.
Sure, there are “normal” things that bother me:
- relationships (especially my marriage)
- my health and weight
- getting older
- unfulfilled, professionally
But there are a couple of things that have really been with me for so long and I have not figured them out. My struggle with sobriety comes up. I haven’t mentioned too often on this blog, but suicide has been a matter (I had a little brother take his own life almost 19 years ago, as well as my own attempts), my struggle with religion, but nothing seems to bother me more than my sexuality.
And, as I have said before, I hate, hate, hate, hate that I can’t be comfortable enough with it that it is just a tidbit of fact. I feel like I have to mention it, to accept it in myself. I feel like I’m always talking about it and forcing it down other people’s throats in some pedantic attempt to get other people to accept me. But I have to face it.
I have to face that it is what it is, there is no acceptance from outside.
It’s something that I feel must be incorporated into my own mind as something completely natural.
But, today when I’m lost in thought and I ask myself, “What are you most self-conscious about?”, the answer is my sexuality, obviously.
In spite of the fact, that I had someone comment on one of my earlier posts this week that I seem much more comfortable with my identity than ever before, there is still this smidgen of doubt in my worthiness as a human being as result of my sexuality. I feel it. I feel this sense that somehow I can;t be treated with respect, dignity, or seriousness if anyone were to know I’m bisexual.
I don’t understand why that is the case…
I don’t know why I can’t focus on other things. I don’t know why I don’t have a sense of purpose that drives me forward in life in a way that my sexuality is no more a thing than the flavor of ice cream I like. It reeks of the mentality of a hormonal, high-school aged kid. It’s a shallow level of thinking, because I know my thoughts are much more complex than this, but they drift into this lower level of self-absorbed need for acceptance from others.
Or maybe,there is nothing more complex than our need for human connection…
I don’t know, but I’m curious what other people are most self-conscious about and why. So, care to share your thoughts?