Broken Record

It’s been a couple of weeks, since I have written anything.

I guess, on some level that’s a good thing, because it means I have been busy and haven’t had much time to really be on here.  My new job is a commitment. It’s not very challenging on an intellectual level, but it requires a lot out of me. I thrive under pressure, so that’s a positive. But, I can’t really mention anything else positive, and that really frustrates me, because I know there is so much in my life that I want to be different.

In fact, today, as I begin to feel the things I’m feeling, I hear myself saying over and over, “You sound like a broken record.” And it’s true.  I could bore you all to death and discuss, at length, all of the things that are still troubling me, but I won’t.  For grins, however, I decided to search my own blog for “broken record” – feel free to check it out. There are only three posts there, but I think they kind of give a small example of the whiney-ass crap I go on and on about in this blog.

Truthfully, however, I’ve noticed a slight change in my attitude. I’ve shifted into something that I don’t like, but I know it’s going to motivate me – I’ve gone from feeling hopeless and depressed to feeling angry and pissed off. I’m utterly tired of the life I’m living.  And I’m frustrated that I don’t know what to change first.

Change is needed, there is no doubt about that. I just don’t know what it is I need to change. Or rather, I don’t know how to change it.  I actually know what needs to be changed, I just don’t know how to do it.  I feel like I’m running out of time in my life, so it feels much more critical than it used to. In fact, as my 46th birthday approaches, I contemplate this reality with absolute sincerity. The bottom line, is that I have not come anywhere close to accomplishing the things I set out to accomplish in life.

But I hate to sound like a broken record…

…some things will change. I’m going to force them as much as I can.

18 thoughts on “Broken Record

  1. It sounds like you really need to write down exactly what you would like to change. Leave it for a day and look at it again. Once you can take the anger out of it, then you need to discuss, with someone that you trust, how you could really change. Sometimes it is worth putting up with an incomplete life (I think I have that) but sometimes change is good for everyone. Good luck.

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  2. Okay, now I have read your previous blog. It might be an idea to try some medication or specific therapy – see how you feel and then write everything down!!! Everything seems less of a problem once you feel less depressed. If you do decide to take medication, tell the doctor all the various emotions that you feel plus your need to drink so that he can choose the best one for you. K x

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  3. I love reading your thoughts and musings, whether you whine or otherwise – just so we have that settled, OK? I have to agree with previous speakers that a bit of anger and frustration might just be a really positive thing!! I can relate a little bit, sobriety has definitely got me to a point where I’m ready to break loose from old chains and kick ass. I can also relate to having a job that doesn’t challenge me mentally and feeling I need to find my place in this world where I can add value and do more of what I’m capable of. This is all good, my friend, and so much better than feeling hopeless. Let it motivate you! You clearly have so much to give and you’ll find your purpose, and I will hopefully find mine too. Anna x

    Liked by 1 person

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