Just a week…

Yesterday marked 7 days of a new attempt at total sobriety for me. I won’t lie and say how wonderful it’s been, I won’t bloviate about the sudden new-found life I have, I won’t embellish flagrant self-stroking sentiments of ego-induced compliments of myself. But I will say, it’s been fucking tough this past week.

My wife and I have been at each other’s throats, my job has been extremely stressful due to numerous reasons, my health is struggling (I’ve had routinely high blood sugar), and I really became self-conscious about the way I look when I participated in an activity I had not done in a long time.  I’ve felt some serious highs and lows over the past week. And my anxiety has been so high, I couldn’t tell if some of my shaking was due to stress, lack of sleep, caffeine, or delirium-tremens (In fairness, however, I don’t believe I had been drinking that much to have experienced that level of withdrawals).

Bottom line: It’s been difficult and much more difficult than the previous times I have tried to stop drinking.  I can’t make it past the afternoon of each day without wanting to drink beer. I can’t make it into the evening without “feeling” the taste of a porter, stout or IPA upon my tongue. The obsession of knowing that it puts me at ease runs through my mind so regularly because it is the idea that it has a numbing effect that I desire so much. I hate feeling. I hate it a lot.  I’ve also been trying to suppress Hilda as a direct result of this week.

But, I’ve also been mitigating it in a lot of ways. I took up praying on a daily basis again. I roll out of bed, get on my knees and as I lean over my bed I pray The Serenity Prayer – knowing full well that I have such an issue with powerlessness. I’ve been trying to make it to a daily AA meeting, but that has been a struggle due to my job and home life. I’ve also started speaking with my sponsor again on a daily basis.

It’s been a fight. I’m not gonna lie. Even now as I’m writing this post, I’m gritting my teeth, frustrated because my schedule, today, is already making it difficult to attend a meeting. I have already been thinking about the taste of beer and I already know that I can’t do this anymore. There are so many reasons, clues, signs…whatever…telling me I can’t do this anymore. One of the ones that stands out in my mind is a couple of weeks ago, while I was at work in the field in a company vehicle I had a though of picking up some beer and hiding and drinking it in complete isolation.

I decided this was it…I’ve hit my bottom. I’m sick of the way I feel. I’m sick of playing this game of trying to figure out if I am, in fact, an alcoholic. I’m sick of trying to understand if I am normal or not. I’m sick of trying to figure out if anything matters. I’m sick of feeling like emotional shit.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I hate it right now. I really, really, really hate it.

But I’m not fucking giving up.

I have to quit the bullshit.

I have to quit making myself suffer.

This is hard, but nothing worth fighting for is easy. God help me!

Today is day 8 of my sobriety!

11 thoughts on “Just a week…

  1. Hey Sunshine,

    I feel terrible that I got pulled away last night and we didn’t get to chat. I feel like you really needed it.

    You are doing the best that you can right now. 8 days is better than no days. Just do what you can for any 24 hour period. The past is over and the future has not yet been determined.

    You know that I think you’re amazing and wonderful and today you’ve got this!!!

    A

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You can’t change yesterday so leave it be – it’s gone. Today you are on day 8 of giving yourself an amazing gift. Ingesting a depressant will get you depressed – you know this – and it can take up to two weeks for it to truly leave your body and mind, the good news being that you are over half way there. It doesn’t matter if you’re two years sober or two weeks, or how much you drink – it’s still a poisonous depressant that will do absolutely nothing for you. I am probably just parroting stuff you already know though. I think I personally thought that life would suddenly be perfect once I’d quit drinking but discovered that what I ended up with was…. LIFE. That was actually a bit of a shock because I think I somehow believed that addressing the core problem (which for me was drinking) would mean everything would fall into place. What it has meant, however, is that I’m just in the best possible spot to tackle this life and its ups and downs. Being sober doesn’t mean I never feel down or hopeless or angry or whatever else, it just means I can deal with it. Anyway, as always I am in your corner and hope you can see any bump in the road as a lesson and discovery. By that I don’t in any way want to minimise your problems or feelings, by the way!! Try if you can though, to let go of yesterday – it’s forever gone! Learn something from it but don’t let it dictate your now. Tomorrow still doesn’t exist so don’t let that interfere either. Big hugs, Anna

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been struggling with doing the right thing lately too. I know what to do and how to do it as well as I know how good I feel when I am doing it and yet I don’t. Whatever the thing we struggle to maintain, we’re none of us better or worse except that we can identify with each other’s challenge. I am here to support you and let you know I am praying for your continued strength to overcome and thrive.
    Happy day and Happy weekend to you, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

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