Yesterday marked 7 days of a new attempt at total sobriety for me. I won’t lie and say how wonderful it’s been, I won’t bloviate about the sudden new-found life I have, I won’t embellish flagrant self-stroking sentiments of ego-induced compliments of myself. But I will say, it’s been fucking tough this past week.
My wife and I have been at each other’s throats, my job has been extremely stressful due to numerous reasons, my health is struggling (I’ve had routinely high blood sugar), and I really became self-conscious about the way I look when I participated in an activity I had not done in a long time. I’ve felt some serious highs and lows over the past week. And my anxiety has been so high, I couldn’t tell if some of my shaking was due to stress, lack of sleep, caffeine, or delirium-tremens (In fairness, however, I don’t believe I had been drinking that much to have experienced that level of withdrawals).
Bottom line: It’s been difficult and much more difficult than the previous times I have tried to stop drinking. I can’t make it past the afternoon of each day without wanting to drink beer. I can’t make it into the evening without “feeling” the taste of a porter, stout or IPA upon my tongue. The obsession of knowing that it puts me at ease runs through my mind so regularly because it is the idea that it has a numbing effect that I desire so much. I hate feeling. I hate it a lot. I’ve also been trying to suppress Hilda as a direct result of this week.
But, I’ve also been mitigating it in a lot of ways. I took up praying on a daily basis again. I roll out of bed, get on my knees and as I lean over my bed I pray The Serenity Prayer – knowing full well that I have such an issue with powerlessness. I’ve been trying to make it to a daily AA meeting, but that has been a struggle due to my job and home life. I’ve also started speaking with my sponsor again on a daily basis.
It’s been a fight. I’m not gonna lie. Even now as I’m writing this post, I’m gritting my teeth, frustrated because my schedule, today, is already making it difficult to attend a meeting. I have already been thinking about the taste of beer and I already know that I can’t do this anymore. There are so many reasons, clues, signs…whatever…telling me I can’t do this anymore. One of the ones that stands out in my mind is a couple of weeks ago, while I was at work in the field in a company vehicle I had a though of picking up some beer and hiding and drinking it in complete isolation.
I decided this was it…I’ve hit my bottom. I’m sick of the way I feel. I’m sick of playing this game of trying to figure out if I am, in fact, an alcoholic. I’m sick of trying to understand if I am normal or not. I’m sick of trying to figure out if anything matters. I’m sick of feeling like emotional shit.
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I hate it right now. I really, really, really hate it.
But I’m not fucking giving up.
I have to quit the bullshit.
I have to quit making myself suffer.
This is hard, but nothing worth fighting for is easy. God help me!
Today is day 8 of my sobriety!