Day 21: The Struggle is Real

I don’t know what causes me the most frustration – relationships, work, having no ability to plan how I want to live my life, money issues, lack of sex, the damned medical bill I’m being sued over…or whatever other fucking thing happens to be on my nerves or what?!?!  Okay, I’m sorry I cussed…my parents taught me better than that. But it’s like everything I set out to do, is roadblocked and something side-tracks me.

I’ve really hated this time of trying to be Sober.

Other times seem to make the first 30 days a breeze…

Okay, that’s a fucking lie…and I know it.  I’ve struggled in early sobriety before. In fact, it’s usually around this time into if, I really begin craving beer again. I’ll push through the next week and a half and make it to 30 days sober. Then, I’ll really begin getting into the step-work again and probably make it to 60 days.  It’s after that point, that I really begin to worry.  The longest, I’ve made it in the past 10 years is about 73 days or whatever. I’m not sure what, exactly, keeps creating the obsessive compulsion in my mind, but once it’s there it is really difficult to shake.

And yet, I know what the solution is, but my self-knowledge is a tough battle. I understand the academic answers that are written in the Big Book, but I know that the conception I have of God will need to be worked out again. And yet, I’m beginning to feel like I’m unraveling. I’m beginning to think that the one thing I valued more than anything else – my mind – is beginning to crack with the stresses of all the responsibilities I have.

And, I’m beginning to feel like a pussy…

And why shouldn’t I? I’m not a man, am I, if I have sucked cock before?  Can I think of myself as manly?  Can I be masculine? I ponder, as I always do, the realistic implications of the things I have done and how I can possibly reconcile them in my mind as completely natural – not normal, mind you, just natural.

And yet, I hate that I even have these thoughts, since I’m a husband and father. Nothing should be about me, right? It should all be about how I live for those I love and care about – those who need me. I feel good about doing that, but somewhere, somehow, I’ve lost what I need or want or care about…

My thoughts are feeling jumbled and a mess today. I feel anxious on a level I fucking hate.

But I’m on Day 21, and I will give everything to just get through today…

 

18 thoughts on “Day 21: The Struggle is Real

  1. Way to go. 21 days is a good thing. Now, question though: what does having sucked a cock have to do with being a man? I’m certain there’s a bunch of men who have and continue to do so. Whether you have or not, you’re still a man.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Extrinsic motivators are all well and good, but you’ve also gotta have some intrinsic motivation to make sure you can keep the boat afloat. As for having sucked cock, I don’t think it makes me any more of a woman, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man.

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    1. For some odd reason, your comment was in my SPAM folder, but I’m glad I saw it. 🙂

      I don’t know why, but your statement “I don’t think it makes me any more of a woman, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man” was extremely profound for me.

      But I’m curious: What would be an intrinsic motivator? What do you mean by that?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “And, I’m beginning to feel like a pussy…

    And why shouldn’t I? I’m not a man, am I, if I have sucked cock before? Can I think of myself as manly? Can I be masculine?”

    Um, yeah – you can be masculine… if you wanna be masculine. Here’s me spanking you: I suck cock and there’s no question in my mind about my being masculine. How do you reconcile this? You did it; you liked doing it; if you could, you’d do it again. You can’t undo what’s already been done and, frankly, people who regret sucking dick (or eating that coochie if you’re a girl) tend to never want to do it again and they’ve reconciled and even justified their past actions… then they leave it the hell alone unless their past happens to come back to “haunt” them for some reason. I could launch into a lot of things people tell themselves to reconcile and justify this…

    If you’re starting to feel like a pussy, maybe it’s because you’re having a hard time facing your issues and committing to doing something about the things you can do something about. As men and when there’s important shit we need to address and tend to – and we keep making excuses for not handling shit – then we’re being pussies; as long as you keep finding reasons and excuses for not handling da business – and then using that to “justify” the need to break your sobriety, all you’re doing is running around in a circle and biting yourself in the ass. None of the things that plague you are gonna take care of themselves and I don’t know what you’re gonna have to do to take care of them but I do know that kicking your own ass and blaming some of it on what you did many decades ago is not the solution.

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  4. I’m going to have to chime in with kdaddy23 here – own it! I have yet to find a manliness-o-meter so we can once and for all give ratings to all men out there but I doubt it’ll have anything to do with what type of genitals you like to put in your mouth – willies, coochies, a bit of both or none whatsoever. Why does it matter? And if it does matter and you find that you cannot live your life the way that makes you happy because other people can’t accept your choice of genitals to plant your lips on or around, then it’s your LIFE that requires changes, not aforementioned choice of genitals. Easier said than done but I get up in arms when people can’t be who they are because they are judged by whoever the fucktards who judge are.

    I think we should scrap manliness, being macho, being feminine, being ladylike and all that shit and focus on the stuff that matters – am I kind/am I honest/do I treat other people the way I myself want to be treated etc etc. I doubt anyone would EVER refer to me as particularly feminine and absolutely not in a million years ladylike hahahahaaaaaaaaaa but I couldn’t care less – I don’t think of “ladylike” as a compliment because it says nothing about who I am, does it? If someone says “hey, that girl Anna, she’s kind” – now THAT would be a compliment.

    Anyway. I think you’re fucking magnificent just the way you are.

    Anna x

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