Any more of a woman or any less of a man.

A couple of days ago, I posted an entry that I wouldn’t refer to as coherent.  In fact, it was a rant full of anxious thoughts and befuddled thinking as I continue to work through the early days of sobriety. I mentioned something in it, however, that still troubles me – mostly it’s troubling that it still troubles me.  My sexuality, is one of the most basic things about me, I believe, but has created quite a stir in my life (just wait until I begin discussing God again).

Truthfully, I’m much more accepting of it now than I was a few years ago. Some of you that have followed me on my last blog, and even the blog previous to that, might remember the absolute torture I put myself through in coming to terms with my sexuality. I have gone back and forth on this idea that I am bisexual or that I am not bisexual and that I was reacting badly to things in my own life. Many of you have been absolutely supportive and encouraging. I have not had anyone one person say anything negative to me about it. There have been people I’ve talked to over the past few years that don’t condone this part of me, but they have said nothing negative or mean to me.

Acceptance is an issue, though, like it is with most alcoholics. And it’s a place in our mind that is tough to face. Working the program, going to meetings, speaking with a sponsor, and reading the Big Book it becomes readily obvious that alcoholics are encouraged to accept life on life’s terms. Relationships are the most difficult thing we do and there is no relationship more difficult than the one we have with ourselves.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m explaining this to anyone other than myself.

The last post I had, there were some comments that were really helpful, but there was one comment that really stood out in my mind. A friend here on WordPress referenced a certain sexual activity I mentioned and said, “I don’t think it makes me any more of a woman, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man”.  That has a profound meaning for me for various reasons, but primarily because I have always thought of myself as being feminine in many ways. In fact, as some of you might remember from my last blog, I spent a lot of time discussing this aspect of myself. In fact, I thought I reconciled that part of myself, until my last post where I almost started beating myself up for feeling a certain way. I’m not sure what it all means or where it all comes from, but I have discussed gender expression before and I have finally reconciled that I don’t believe in more than two genders, but there are various ways to express oneself – I have done that before and have even mentioned Stephanie and Hilda.

I think, often times, I have this constant need for an explanation, a deeper understanding of myself. It’s almost like I somehow unlock the mysteries of the universe, if I somehow come up with a definition of myself that magically answers any and all questions no matter what. I think this is misleading, somehow, because it gives a false security that I’m somehow accepting myself by forcing a reason, forcing a definition and forcing an explanation down people’s throats (ironically enough, the topic that prompted this very post was my history of giving oral sex to guys) – namely my own throat.  But what I believe I’m failing to grasp is that I’m not accepting it as it is – what if I am nothing more than what I am? What if I am nothing less than what I am?

What if I am just me?

15 thoughts on “Any more of a woman or any less of a man.

  1. You are who and what you are, of course. Yes, you’re perhaps more in touch with your feminine side than the “average” guy is – it is what it is. I don’t know of any guy who, um, knows what a cock tastes like who hasn’t gone through that moment when he questions his behavior, questions the reasons why he did it, berates himself because he liked doing it, and then struggles to justify all of it… and I trust that you can believe me when I say that I’ve seen guys struggle to the point where it makes your struggle look insignificant by comparison.

    When you talk about this, I’ve told you (and will keep telling you) to accept it; own it; stop kicking your ass over stuff that happened and cannot be changed; if you wanna do it again, either figure out a way to get it done but if you can’t, don’t worry about it given that you have some other things that should have a higher priority, like leaving the beer alone.

    If you can’t explain this to yourself, you can’t explain it to anyone else, not that some folks would understand it if you could explain it. Now, you can keep going over the self-explanatory stuff until you get a headache and as much as it might allow a deeper understanding of yourself, it’s never gonna unlock the secrets of the universe… but it will tell you something about being a human and male that some people don’t want to accept, namely, um, we have sex with each other – always have, always will – so you’re not the only guy who, in his youth, did this, liked it, and all that good stuff.

    To that end, you’re not any different from a great many men (including myself) and while it might appear to be biased, in this aspect, there’s nothing wrong with you – but you think there is and if I can’t convince you of that – and you know that I know what I’m talking about in this – no one and nothing will ever convince you that you’re really okay despite having done this.

    In this and a lot of other things, you can only be who and what you are. You, like all of us, are the sum of our experiences and, again, that which we’ve already experienced cannot ever be undone; if we object to a particular experience, we can strive to not repeat it and we can’t do much more than that. Could you be less than what you are? Yeah, you could… and the way you appear to still be beating yourself up about sucking those dicks, if it continues, will seriously lessen you – but I think you know that because you still seem to think that what you did all those years ago has made you less than what you’re supposed to be.

    And it hasn’t. A long time ago, I invited you to contact me outside of WordPress and you refused – and that’s fine but it seems to me that you would benefit from being able to talk to someone who’s been there and done a whole lot more than you ever did. I very much dislike seeing/knowing that a guy is struggling with this aspect of himself when he doesn’t have to and see him asking questions that I know the answers to; those answers don’t unlock the secrets of the universe but they could go a long way – and they have for a lot of other guys I’ve talked to – to making this thing less of a “problem” for them. It’s like I told you on the last blog: You did it, you liked it, and if you could do it again, you would… and so would a whole lot of other guys who did, in fact, find it to their liking.

    If you can, then do it; if you can’t or know for a fact that if you did, it wouldn’t be a good thing, fine – you’re not the only guy who can’t do what he knows he wants and needs to do to be alright with himself. But, my friend, there’s no point in beating the dead horse; I think you do know that in this particular thing, there is no deeper meaning other than what you’ve come to understand about yourself – it just is what it is and now you have a choice and one you should have made long ago: You can either be made better for it… or you can allow it to keep making you not better. If millions of other men have resolved this – and even in this exact moment as you read this, there a guy somewhere in the world who has stopped riffing with himself about sucking that dick and liking it and because he’s said, “It is what it is – life goes on.”

    Now and finally, when you’re sitting and thinking about this, perhaps instead of thinking about all the negatives, why not think about the positives, focusing more on what you liked about it more than that which you didn’t like? I, for one, wouldn’t object to seeing you write about how it thrilled you more than it fucked your head up and that, usually, is all the justification a guy needs to get his head completely around this: Why did you do it? Because it felt good to do it… and I happen to know that because we’re not supposed to do these things to each other, well, that just made doing it feel even better. Sure, some moments didn’t go quite well – welcome to the reality of this and, sure, we can kick ourselves for experiencing a moment that didn’t go well but those things happen and instead of dwelling on what went wrong and any negative feelings because it went wrong, isn’t it better to dwell on what went right, like, um, you had the courage and strength to do something that most men are too much of a pussy to do… and, oh, yeah, you really did have fun doing it?

    Consider yourself spanked – again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m beginning to think you enjoy spanking me.
      Truthfully, today I’m feeling better about it all. I guess, my bigger issue is that I feel like I have to somehow act to the world around me somehow differently, that I should be loud and proud, or at least not shy away from the topic when it comes up in some ordinary circumstances. And honestly, I would be lying, if I said I had not fantasized about the real life implications of this realization. I guess what I’m saying is that I would be open to possibilities with men now…but I don’t know or understand what that means in terms of other aspects of my life. I guess, I just don’t understand how to be bisexual…make sense?

      And I am welcome to conversations away from WP…feel free to email me.

      Like

      1. I’m beginning to think you enjoy being spanked. A lot of understanding how to be bisexual is usually based on what one does combined with what they want to do. There are implications – what things in life don’t have them? – so being bisexual isn’t just a thing to do – it’s also an internal thing one becomes so that being “different” doesn’t impact their life too badly, like understanding that just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean you have to do a thing… but if you do, then be smart about it – think first, then act if you must or can and if you can’t, then don’t.

        Does it mean you have to act differently? No. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you can’t tell one bisexual from another by the way they look or act… because being bisexual means just being yourself and whatever form that takes and what it means to you. If you didn’t know I was bisexual, there’s nothing about me that screams “bisexual” – because I don’t behave in any way other than the ways I normally behave. Do you have to be loud and proud? No, not if you don’t want to. As long as you or any bisexual keeps worrying about how others will perceive them, being bisexual is difficult.

        And unless you tell them, how could anyone else possibly know? The key to being bisexual is just being yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Being yourself is just fine and dandy! I think from what you have said about your childhood and your current traditional married life, that it is always going to be difficult to truly accept that you have different desires. Perhaps that should be your simple goal? You don’t necessarily have to act on your desires to live a happy life. My imagination leads me to all sorts of dark and exciting places but, for the most part, I live a traditional life. At times I have considered changing my life but I don’t truly want to.

    Liked by 1 person

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