The last few days have been filled with wild thoughts. I’ve discussed this before on a few different posts and have collectively tagged them with “circle” – feel free to look. I’m not really sure why this happens to me, but it is a vicious circle of complete insanity that I go through, where I Feel myself making some changes for the good in my life and then something triggers me into some self-deprecating thinking and I want to begin rejecting pieces of myself as if they don’t exist or that I find them to be somehow reprehensible to the ideal I hold for myself.
A case in point is what occurred to me yesterday. I went to the grocery store to grab some things to make grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup (It was rainy and cold) for dinner. I was waiting to use the self-checkout and began having thoughts about how a beer seemed really good, and just as the thought began to sit in my mind I looked up and there was a lady waving at me with a smile on her face. She recognized me from AA meetings. I am not a huge fan of coincidences and I took this as something of a Higher Power looking down on me, because I could have easily picked up a six pack of beer last night, but seeing this woman convinced me not to do it. Granted, this is repetitive and it typically happens when I’m 30 days into attempting sobriety – I begin questioning the reality of my alcoholism. On some level, I want to be normal.
Another thought I’ve had happen before and keeps happening, is that I begin to contemplate God or a Higher Power. I begin to believe that there is someone or something that can assist me into better thinking – i.e. the “restore me to sanity” part of the second step of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). My thoughts have been focused on God much more lately, because I know my sponsor is going to begin Step 2 with me soon. And the reality of God is a bit of an apprehension to me and it has caused my thoughts to be focused on so much. Obviously, many of you have heard me discuss my catholic upbringing before, but I don’t feel comfortable with my own conception of a Higher Power, let alone anyone else’s. The bottom line is that I want to believe, but I also know that it will involve some level of responsibility I’m not sure I want.
I’ve also been contemplating my love life more and more. There is some strife going on in my family – namely my sister and my mother and their treatment of my wife. Without going into too much detail, because there is so much to the backstory here that it is difficult to explain it all in one or two paragraphs, suffice it to say that I am somewhat ostracized in my family and now they are shocked to realize I have not been including them in different events in life. Needless to say, since I’ve indicated it before, but my marriage is a rocky, tumultuous one that I strive to make better. And even when I feel like I’m successful, even I have weird thoughts about it.
Of course, as I have a desire to make things better, I begin to question my sexuality too. Granted, there is no guarantee that everything in life works out, but sometimes I have this inkling that I need to ignore some aspect of who I am, so as not to disturb others. I mean, I spent the great majority of my life ignoring the bisexual nature of myself, and since I am married and cheating is wrong, is my sexuality even relevant? I suppose, on some level, if my marriage were to end, that would leave me available to date men, if I wanted to. But like today, I have no sexual interests (trust me, that’s NOT normal for me), so how does it even matter. So, I begin to think that my over-infatuation with accepting myself is much more of a hindrance to myself than anything else.
Of course, one thing I notice about most of my struggles and it’s the one thing that I keep revisiting – I struggle with conflict and tend to run from my issues. MY sponsor refers to this as “Fear”. I sometimes refer to it as being a big “winey wuss wad”, but it’s during these times that I begin to question everything – my sobriety, my sexuality, my finances, my work, my relationship, faith, God, etc., etc. Some of you have seen me go through these mental breaks and delete my entire blog before. I’m not going to do that this time, because the truth of the matter is that I’m sick of running from the problems and struggles in my life – I did that by drinking and doing it until I couldn’t drink enough to make them go away. No, I want to break the cycle. I want to make the change, the true necessary change to set me up for a better life.
I am who I am.
And I don’t understand what I need to change, but maybe it’s nothing. Maybe I just need to finally reach that place of true enlightened acceptance of myself and my life.
I’m sober 37 days today.