I don’t think it’s any big secret that depression is a part of my life; I don’t deny it anymore. At one time, however, I completely hid from it and used alcohol to try and hide my feelings. The thing is, I’ve come to expect it at certain times and today is one of those days. I felt it coming on yesterday, and I had begun to think about some of the things in my life (That’s my first mistake, right?)
But, I’m not sure I want to discuss everything that’s wrong, but I want to mention something else – the fear of feeling good. You see, by the end of last week and all-through this previous weekend, I was feeling good and content. It’s not something I’ve experienced in a long damn time. As a result I struggled sleeping all weekend, because I felt energetic and was shocked I could feel so good. This led me to wondering when the next big depressive crash would come, because I have such a difficult time imagining my life being good anymore. I feel there is so much wrong, rather than right.
It’s horrible thinking; I know this, but can’t seem to keep Hilda from returning to my mind. The thing is, I have plenty to be happy about – a good paying job, some serenity in my marriage, being sober, living in Colorado, my kids are not heathens getting into trouble, the sun is out this morning, etc. Unfortunately, it’s days like today when I just feel sad. I simply feel like everything is gloomy. Dark foreboding creeps over me as if I’m well aware that my life is going to take an unexpected turn for the worse.
Yes, I know the logical response would be something of the nature, “When you think negatively, negative things happen; when you think positively, positive things happen.” It’s logical, it makes sense, it’s really a good idea so I tend to do the exact opposite. You see, I hate disappointment and I hate getting my expectations up and having them ruined. I have lived my life for so long preparing for the worst and hoping for the best and seeing the worst happen time and time again that I have gotten to a point that I don’t hope. I mean, it seems like such a crap-shoot at times.
Of course, the positive feelings I had over the weekend were nice. I want to be back in that thinking but I just don’t feel much fulfillment in life and I don’t feel like these things ever last. I know, especially after attending AA meetings that life is about the ups and downs. I get that…I’m not living in a way that puts me on the proverbial Pink Cloud, but I would like to believe that I’m okay – that I can survive everything that comes my way.
I hate feeling emotional. I fucking hate it.
But I also hate that I’m afraid to feel good.
I hate that most of all.