Fear of Feeling Good.

I don’t think it’s any big secret that depression is a part of my life; I don’t deny it anymore. At one time, however, I completely hid from it and used alcohol to try and hide my feelings. The thing is, I’ve come to expect it at certain times and today is one of those days. I felt it coming on yesterday, and I had begun to think about some of the things in my life (That’s my first mistake, right?)

But, I’m not sure I want to discuss everything that’s wrong, but I want to mention something else – the fear of feeling good. You see, by the end of last week and all-through this previous weekend, I was feeling good and content. It’s not something I’ve experienced in a long damn time. As a result I struggled sleeping all weekend, because I felt energetic and was shocked I could feel so good. This led me to wondering when the next big depressive crash would come, because I have such a difficult time imagining my life being good anymore. I feel there is so much wrong, rather than right.

It’s horrible thinking; I know this, but can’t seem to keep Hilda from returning to my mind. The thing is, I have plenty to be happy about – a good paying job, some serenity in my marriage, being sober, living in Colorado, my kids are not heathens getting into trouble, the sun is out this morning, etc. Unfortunately, it’s days like today when I just feel sad. I simply feel like everything is gloomy. Dark foreboding creeps over me as if I’m well aware that my life is going to take an unexpected turn for the worse.

Yes, I know the logical response would be something of the nature, “When you think negatively, negative things happen; when you think positively, positive things happen.” It’s logical, it makes sense, it’s really a good idea so I tend to do the exact opposite. You see, I hate disappointment and I hate getting my expectations up and having them ruined. I have lived my life for so long preparing for the worst and hoping for the best and seeing the worst happen time and time again that I have gotten to a point that I don’t hope. I mean, it seems like such a crap-shoot at times.

Of course, the positive feelings I had over the weekend were nice. I want to be back in that thinking but I just don’t feel much fulfillment in life and I don’t feel like these things ever last. I know, especially after attending AA meetings that life is about the ups and downs. I get that…I’m not living in a way that puts me on the proverbial Pink Cloud, but I would like to believe that I’m okay – that I can survive everything that comes my way.

I hate feeling emotional. I fucking hate it.

But I also hate that I’m afraid to feel good.

I hate that most of all.

10 thoughts on “Fear of Feeling Good.

  1. When I quit drinking, these were my exact thoughts. I was always waiting for something bad to happen if I realized I was feeling good about life. It does pass. When you’re feeling positive about anything, just sit there and let yourself feel that one thing. Even for just a moment. It can change your life. You deserve happy. We all do. Hugs. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I personally haven’t experienced this exact thing but I understand, I think, what you’re saying. Sobermommablog’s advice seems very sound. Perhaps it’s all about balance, this elusive thing you and I both seem to chase! In many ways I’m the opposite way around (which is by no means better, just so I’m clear!) – I plod along and feel good and always expect the best of people and situations. I don’t see the point in contracts because hey, we’ll do what we agreed, right? And then something shitty happens and my chin is on the floor and I’m shell shocked. Not the best! Sounds like you need to allow yourself to believe you deserve the best and try to shift your expectations to be that things are more likely to be good than bad, and I on the other hand need to live in reality a bit more and not be so bloody naive! I’m just going to feed my unicorn and THEN think more about this. Anyway, thanks for sharing, as usual you’ve got me thinking. Big hugs, Anna

    Liked by 1 person

  3. By the way, meant to also say that given you’ve battled depression, it’s also no wonder you’re looking over your shoulder for dark clouds – even I get that. Either way, you’re awesome for sharing this. x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, you say “heathen” like it’s a bad thing! I’m one! 😉 That aside, I can totally relate to what you’ve said in this post. But please don’t let that feeling of “meh” lead to what you think is inevitable. Take that expectation of it leading to shit in a different direction. Let me explain… just observe it and don’t attach any expectations to it. Allow yourself to feel it but recognize that it will pass just like the good feelings did. It’s a cycle and sometimes it’s situations, it’s feelings, it’s hormones, it’s weather, etc. But along with actively just observing, continue to do those things that bring back a feeling of “it’s all alright.” Consider throwing all this advice down the shitter if you are truly clinically depressed. Then go see a doc! Wish you well!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know it has been a while. I haven’t been around as much. I seem to be having trouble writing… still. And I think I’ve been trying denial and distraction to give myself a break. But that’s not really working. It never does.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s