I think I had a bit of an epiphany last night about my sexuality.
It hit me that I’ve been treating my sexuality as if there is something wrong with me. Even as much as I discuss it on here and on Twitter, it hit me yesterday that I have been treating it as if it is a huge wart that sticks out on my face; as if I have some sort of infection disease. It came to me that I really do express a sentiment of embarrassment and when I discuss it, it’s like I’m waning people about my “condition” – as if they need to keep a distance for fear that they might catch what I have.
Granted, I realize my self-esteem has not been the highest in the past several years and coming to terms with my sexuality has not been a welcome revelation on my part. But, I can easily see it as being an issue of vulnerability and intimacy in which I am routinely uncomfortable. Honestly, I think I might be mentioning it as if I am trying to ward of evil spirits too. I have just been incredibly uncomfortable with the reality of my sexuality. But along with this revelation, that I treat my sexuality as if I’m infected with the plague, something else came to me.
So, the fuck what?
So, I’ve slept with guys. So, I’ve slept with women. It’s not as if I can take any of that back. It’s like any other aspect of our past – there are things we can’t change. I’ve often heard people express to me that there is no need to put a label on what I’ve done or how I see myself now. There is no need to confine myself by the definition of this aspect. And, I’m beginning to see that. There are good thing and there are bad things about life, right?
With that being said, I am honestly not ever sure if this conflict will ever escape me, because it has little to do with my sexuality and so much more to do with my inability to be vulnerable and experience true intimacy. Of course, these are things I remember my therapist saying to me, that I have held onto looking to understand myself in a much bigger way. I have always wanted to know what it was like to be vulnerable and experience that sense of true intimacy I have always desired. Logically, I recognize that intimacy cannot be experienced without vulnerability, but it is being vulnerable that I have the most struggle and apprehension.
HOLY SHIT!!!! I just had another revelation as I am writing this…
This issue with vulnerability is wrapped up into my relationship with alcohol, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my relationship with a Higher Power and the whole 9 yards! Alcoholics in recovery, often discuss the Gift Of Desperation (That’s G.O.D., by the way…), that sense of powerlessness. It’s in surrender.
To cure the plague, I have to surrender to being vulnerable!
Fuck! …that’s amazing. I can’t believe I just made that connection.
Son of a bitch…I’m in effing awe!
Now…if I can just figure that whole vulnerability thing out…