A Plague of Being

I think I had a bit of an epiphany last night about my sexuality.

It hit me that I’ve been treating my sexuality as if there is something wrong with me. Even as much as I discuss it on here and on Twitter, it hit me yesterday that I have been treating it as if it is a huge wart that sticks out on my face; as if I have some sort of infection disease. It came to me that I really do express a sentiment of embarrassment and when I discuss it, it’s like I’m waning people about my “condition” – as if they need to keep a distance for fear that they might catch what I have.

Granted, I realize my self-esteem has not been the highest in the past several years and coming to terms with my sexuality has not been a welcome revelation on my part. But, I can easily see it as being an issue of vulnerability and intimacy in which I am routinely uncomfortable. Honestly, I think I might be mentioning it as if I am trying to ward of evil spirits too.  I have just been incredibly uncomfortable with the reality of my sexuality. But along with this revelation, that I treat my sexuality as if I’m infected with the plague, something else came to me.

So, the fuck what?

So, I’ve slept with guys. So, I’ve slept with women. It’s not as if I can take any of that back. It’s like any other aspect of our past – there are things we can’t change. I’ve often heard people express to me that there is no need to put a label on what I’ve done or how I see myself now. There is no need to confine myself by the definition of this aspect. And, I’m beginning to see that. There are good thing and there are bad things about life, right?

With that being said, I am honestly not ever sure if this conflict will ever escape me, because it has little to do with my sexuality and so much more to do with my inability to be vulnerable and experience true intimacy. Of course, these are things I remember my therapist saying to me, that I have held onto looking to understand myself in a much bigger way. I have always wanted to know what it was like to be vulnerable and experience that sense of true intimacy I have always desired. Logically, I recognize that intimacy cannot be experienced without vulnerability, but it is being vulnerable that I have the most struggle and apprehension.

HOLY SHIT!!!!  I just had another revelation as I am writing this…

This issue with vulnerability is wrapped up into my relationship with alcohol, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my relationship with a Higher Power and the whole 9 yards! Alcoholics in recovery, often discuss the Gift Of Desperation (That’s G.O.D., by the way…), that sense of powerlessness. It’s in surrender.

To cure the plague, I have to surrender to being vulnerable!

Fuck! …that’s amazing. I can’t believe I just made that connection.

Son of a bitch…I’m in effing awe!

Now…if I can just figure that whole vulnerability thing out…

 

13 thoughts on “A Plague of Being

  1. Whoohoo! Good for you. I love this quote: “I think I had a bit of an epiphany last night about my sexuality.

    It hit me that I’ve been treating my sexuality as if there is something wrong with me. ”

    I’m so glad you’re having great insights–it seems like a good day for that. Enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So what is it about being vulnerable that bothers you so much? Usually and generally, people don’t like being vulnerable because they tend to get hurt, suffer round after round of being rejected, stuff like that. Usually and generally, people try to avoid being vulnerable and, frankly, if there’s a way to avoid it, I don’t know about it and the big rub is that sex is one of the things that has the power to make one vulnerable – it exposes them to a lot of emotions and the kind that can make one feel wonderful and scare the doo-doo out of them because when they experience them, now they have to face them.

    Some people avoid sexual intimacy (of any kind) and out of fear of being made vulnerable and if there’s a trick to figuring this out, it’s in not looking at intimacy and its inherent vulnerability as a liability. When one is bisexual, one does not exchange one form of intimacy with another – they are adding another avenue in which they can experience intimacy and it can pose a problem if one has been trying to avoid intimacy in order not to be made to feel even more vulnerable.

    My protege is quite bisexual but has a “problem” with feeling girly when he’s throwing it down with a guy and, as you might expect, that feeling really messes with his head. The solution? Don’t run from it – embrace it and be determined to make whatever vulnerable feelings a positive thing because, really, if you’re not willing to expose yourself in this fashion, um, why bother to have sex – or otherwise be intimate – with anyone? Sounds counterproductive… because it is.

    You know me so it shouldn’t surprise you when I tell you that if there’s something wrong with you, it’s not your sexuality – it’s that you’re afraid of it and you’re not ever gonna get over that fear unless you face it, accept it, and then conquer it so you can enjoy intimacy and its inherent sense of vulnerability.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It will suffice… but it begins – or should include you asking yourself what it is about intimacy and vulnerability that rattles your cage so much. Identify the source – then work the issue until it stops being a problem.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Yessssssssssssssssssssssss! I have no comment other than GOOD FOR YOU my friend. Got to the end and the lightbuld lit above my head too when getting to vulnerability and surrender. Perfectly put.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are absolutely right dear princess and there are many forces and reasons at hand as to why you feel the way you do. I’m sorry for I am going to pony out the obvious but I hope you can reflect and understand why you feel the way you do.

    Self esteem: you are not a 100% confident in your skin. It’s a big one and it steels your wind. What is your driving reason? Your health or how others view you?

    Why is your “condition” something wrong? In whose eyes? You say it yourself that you have slept with men and women. You say it casually like “So what”. And that is how it is “So what”, still you are afraid of how others view you. You try to justify it as if you are sick or as if something is wrong with you.

    Therefore it places restrictions on how someone has to be and act to be accepted by society. You have to remember that you will never please everybody. Love is unconditional and only true in it’s purest form of such.

    There is nothing wrong with you and you are a beautiful spirit in search of love. You have feelings and needs that society has not met, yet it is society you are trying so hard to please. To a point of self sacrifice, making excuses for who you are, and feeling apologetic. You think that it is not normal and therefore you are not deserving and it truly makes my heart hurt for you.

    I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. A beautiful soul that has so much to offer but who is trapped. You are already vulnerable, you have not fully accepted who you are. Until you do you will feel incomplete.

    In my eyes you are a passionate person. Someone who has fallen many times who is not broken and is still fighting for his or her place in the world. You are trapped by circumstances and it will continue until you look in the mirror, say this who I am and believe that you owe it to yourself to stand tall.
    You got this dear princess and I will always be here to remind you that you are perfect. Anybody who doesn’t see it is a fool.
    I leave you with some wisdom and I know that many obligations and responsibilities are tying you down.
    Surrender to it and let go. Your life will be much lighter and the weight on your shoulder will disappear. For it is not about what you owe but all about experience. So collect moments and memories and you will always be richer then the next person. When it comes to stuff and status, Remember that it won’t make you happy. Less is more my princess. You have your big heart and your crown and it’s a fantastic start.
    With much love and admiration. Xoxo ❤️😘💐

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can tell you how true your words ring to me, but sometimes I think you already know that. I believe that I am in such drastic need of change, but I’m thankful for you to put some perspective on this for me. I have not given up, now will I.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You will not ever give up my princess because that is not what you are made of. We fall, we weep, but we always get back up. I believe in you. Always have, always will. Remember that anything is possible and no matter how difficult, we can always change our stars. It’s starts with one single step. Xoxoxo ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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