Last night, I felt a bit of panic as I arrived home from work and checked my mail. I had a “love” letter from the IRS. – Well, I’m calling it a love letter, since I feel like it’s screwing me fifteen ways to Tuesday. And when I opened the letter from the IRS it was showing me 4,982 reasons to hate the IRS. They’re claiming I underpaid my taxes from 2016. I’ve already gone through a round with them asking for information that claimed I received some sort of payment from somewhere that I have no records of ever receiving. It was under a 90 day review and I thought everything was going to be okay. Apparently, it’s not okay.
And I wanted to drink about it.
I wanted to give everything in my life a big middle finger. Fuck it, I actually wanted to double flip off everything! And I felt, in an instant, that this just another piece of the horrible crap-show of my finances. In an instant it felt like no matter how hard I work, no matter how focused I am, no matter what I do to try and get ahead, I’m always going to be in debt. I fricken hate it! I owe so much in student loans, medical bills and now the IRS. I can’t catch a break.
And I wanted to drink.
But, I drove to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting instead. The reading at the beginning of the meeting happened to be from the section of The Big Book titled “There is a Solution”. As one might imagine, that solution being suggested is a Higher Power – or God, as man choose to call it. I didn’t want to hear it, unless God was going to climb down from heaven and do some mother-fucking work on my behalf and get this shit paid off. I didn’t want to hear it unless God was gonna give me a set of winning lotto numbers. I really was not in the mood to hear anything about God last night.
I was pissed at God last night. God helps those willing to help themselves right? Well, can’t he fucking see that I’m willing to bust my ass off to deal with my responsibilities? Can’t he tell that I own my failings in life? Can’t he give me that enlightenment that I need to handle all of this shit? I was pissed at God.
But, I know, deep down, that God didn’t put me in debt. I know deep down that I’m doing everything that is reasonable to deal with all of this. So, at the end of the reading when I heard the words “Accept Spiritual Help”, I knew I was willing. I want nothing more than to be on top of my game again, to be dealing with life and to handle everything the best I possibly can. And I know that drinking beer every single day during every single free moment was not assisting me in that. The desire to drank left me last night.
I want to accept spiritual help, like The Big Book suggests. I just don;t know how to find it. I know I want permanent sobriety, I recognize that I can’t drink like normal people, I understand that there is an obsession that rests in my mind surrounding the first drink, I accept I am an alcoholic, but how to I conceptualize this Higher Power? I am not a patient person and I know there are things I could be working on to solve all of the problems I have created in my life, but how? And how would I even understand the spiritualism that is being offered?
I always have so many questions when it comes to God. I question EVERYTHING. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I have limited ability to understand what is conceptualized by many as limitless. I have been praying every day when I roll out of bed onto my knees (Yes, I physically do this…) and I pray every night to ask God what I can do differently. I thank Him (or Her) from my sobriety, I ask for help in understanding His (or Her) will for me. I ask for the serenity to accept things I can’t control, for the courage to change the things I can and I beg for the wisdom to understand the difference between the two.
But I’m always left wondering:
What is spirituality?
How do I know if something is from God (-dess)?
What does He (or She) want me to do?
How do I accept spiritual help?
Today is Day 45.