I’m not sure why it happens, but I relapsed again. I’m truly disappointed in myself. But, I failed to do one of the things that The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) recommends – “pause when agitated”. I felt a complete breakdown this past Saturday night. I’d like to blame my wife, but my actions and decisions are my sole responsibility. I try and look at my emotional state too, so I can try and understand what’s going on with me when I can get so weak. But, honestly, does it really matter? The bottom line is that drinking is my go-to response to the emotional crack I feel when things go to shit.
And I have felt like my life is shit for a long time.
And I woke up Sunday morning feeling like shit and having a shit hangover and realizing I acted like a shit. But, I can’t seem to get this “miracle” that is supposed to happen. I don’t know how to accept spiritual help. I don’t get the mental switch from making a gratitude list (okay, maybe there are SOME things I’m grateful for…). I’m not able to relate to a lot of the people who are at AA meetings. I can’t find the answer to my problems by praying to a Higher Power.
I feel, genuinely, fucked right now. I don’t see answers to some major problems I am having.
I just am terrified, and I know that fear is a big major trigger and I can’t seem to work hard enough, do enough changes, grasp onto anything positive that keeps me focused. My mind drifts so much lately, that I have even forgotten to take my insulin several times in the past few weeks. I feel utterly incapable of managing my life and I hate that. I’m happy to follow advice, but I feel like any of the direction people give me in AA or from my sponsor amounts to jack shit, since they do not address my problems. All of the focus is on finding a Higher Power.
And it’s not me, I’m worried about – it’s my concern and obligation to others that I feel will impact in a bad way, if I fail in life.
And not only that, but who, actually, wants to fail at anything…?
Today is only day 2 after starting over.