The last few days have been an emotional set of ups and downs. I had wanted to write about everything I was feeling, but couldn’t focus enough to do that. In fact, each day this week, I sat down and opened up a new post to blog about whatever would be bothering me at the moment I decided to blog about it and then deleted the post before I ever published it. The problem I was having this week was the fact that everything I wanted to say was distracted by some other thought. I felt like my writing was taking on a bit of gibberish incoherence. So, I did what any intelligent person in control of their thoughts would do and put everything out there onto social media – namely Twitter. The thing is, last weekend really threw me for a loop and I was going through the week pondering if I could make it. I considered writing about the times I contemplated suicide in the past (I have had two actual moves towards doing it within my lifetime – I wrote about them in my last blog, but I don’t want to put too much emphasis on the subject); I considered writing about my financial problems and giving detailed information about my income and debts, I considered writing about other reasons I was hating my life, I considered going on and on about my sexuality, I considered discussing my alcoholism, I wanted to discuss my role as a parent (I rarely discuss my childre – not because I don’t love them, but because I don’t think they need to be impacted by what a mess I am, I considered writing about my marriage, etc., etc. All I know for sure is that Hilda had been visiting me in a big way this week!
But, truthfully, I don’t want Hilda to win. I want to make it through all of this and I know it’s possible. I know there is more to go through right now and I know I haven’t got it easy. Those are the things I’m able to accept. The problems I have, however, I haven’t discovered the solution. And that’s where I want my focus to be. I know when I was speaking with my sponsor and I was telling him about so many of the goals I have for my life, he mentioned that maybe the other goals will be come important once I handle the alcoholism. The thing is, I feel like a lot of the other things are what’s causing my to want to drink. I mean, if I am honest about my relapse last weekend, then I have to mention that my wife and I had a major argument about both of our failed expectations. When push came to shove (not literally, but certainly emotionally), I felt crushed. I felt the absolute worst and I won’t share my absolute worst thought in this episode (the most extreme self-deprecating thought), but it is what led me to want to drink to numb how I felt.
The thing is, I was absolutely not in control of my emotions or my thoughts – this is the most frightful thing I can imagine myself experiencing – the inability to control my own mind. My first thoughts were not the ones I could trust, they were the deceptive ones that were not in my best interest. At least at this moment, right now, I can look at that and realize that the one and only goal I need to worry about right now is this idea that I am capable of getting through things. I’m not going to lie – I have this major worry over the next few months and I’m trying to focus and gain the courage to truly face the things I need to face.
I still have some goals I want to accomplish, and I think I have been so caught up in the details of making everything work out perfectly, that it has given Hilda a path into my mind. The reality is that the courage I’m dying to have is probably going to come from just doing and not planning so much. I constantly worry about the things that can cause me to fail that I work on preventing those, rather than just performing what needs to be done. It’s led me to think that the real courage in accomplishing goals is the action of doing those things and not, simply, the desire.
I’m going to briefly state my goals (desires) again, for my own sake, and I’m listing them in the exact order they pop into my mind:
- Find a job/career/vocation that provides me fulfillment and financial security – include managing my finances better.
- Maintain my sobriety
- Commit to managing my diabetes
- Establish an exercise routine
- Find a Higher Power or be spiritual in someway
- Love myself – regardless of my sexuality or relationship status.
Acquiescent Soul 
Mate I have just hit 50 years old and I have no freakin idea what I want to do but I know it’s not what I am doing. There are things that interest me but they all seem to come with a high enrollment fee and like yourself I am in financial shit so those aren’t an option. It might not feel like it but maybe when your head gets that full up coming on here and just typing what ever pops up not matter how much of a jumbled mess it feels like is helping. It doesn’t matter if you delete it I think the more times you do if you will find some gems in there that help. You’ve got a cheerleader here anyway, please keep going. xox
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Thank you. This was really pragmatic and meaningful to me.
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Same here! I am nearly 43 and I still am not entirely sure what I want to be when I grow up. My dream careers have included police officer (age 5 because I wanted to carry a gun) and glam rocker (age 10 because I loved Twisted Sister). The dream that has always been with me where others have come and gone is writer. I’m not doing any of those for a living. The police officer thing was probably just rebelling against my super girlie mother who tried to put bows into my hair (I cut it all off with a pair of nail scissors in protest – my mother STILL talks about her miniature Sid Vicious, totally traumatised). The rockstar dream died due to a strong dislike of being in front of people. And writing… Well, we’ll see – there is a story percolating that I want to tell but another also growing that I may have to tell first: my own. Bottom line – I’m earning my keep in a job that isn’t any of those things and not in any way, shape or form my “dream”.
I wonder if you are a little like me? We already know we’re both THINKERS! 🙂 I.e. do you, like me, have this long held idea that by whatever stage you needed to have certain things nailed and have succeeded at something? For example: house with a picket fence, loving (and super hot) spouse and 2.4 well behaved children. Then also successful in a career where you can let your talent shine? Oh, and all this obviously whilst having no issues or problems beyond what bikini or trunks will best show off your perfectly toned body this summer, right?
It’s true – if you’d asked teenage Anna where she’d be at 43, I can bet your ass her answer would NOT describe the person here today! Haha, oh by the way, Little Anna, you’re going to develop alcoholism, how’s that??! BOOM! But you know what I mean, right? I think I held on to what Little Me thought Big Me would be and do, but I’m trying to learn to look at those things for what they are because what the hell did I know back then! Unlike you, I don’t have the horrible Hilda tripping me up so perhaps it’s easier for me for that reason alone to see the good in myself but it really does sound like you’re putting IMMENSE pressure on yourself. Does any of this ring true? I’m only suggesting it because you sound a bit like me in this respect. Where does this pressure and expectations come from?
Taking my seat on the bench next to functioningguzzler and pompoms ready to cheer you on. We’ll figure it all out together, OK?
BIG HUG.
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It all rings true – even the bikini. Of course, I am way to hairy to even contemplate that on a serious level 🤮
But yes, so much of that is so true. And I have no idea where the pressure comes from.
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Great plan! You can do it.
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I was in my late 40s before I figured out what made me feel comfortable in my skin. And not until I was in my 50s before I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. Give yourself a break. Also, I think you’ve come up with a good plan. 🙂
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I agree with all of the previous comments. You have great goals and a plan AND you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I understand this only too well, because I regularly do the same. I write tons of lists of things I want to achieve, with all the best intentions. It’s good to know what needs to be done. However, I‘ve also observed that I paralyse myself doing that, before I even do the first thing on my list. So how about you put just one tiny, really tiny thing on your list. Something very small and totally doable. And commit to doing it for 30 days in a row. Just this one tiny thing. And you‘re not allowed, absolutely not allowed, to start doing anything else from your list before those 30 days are over. In fact, don’t even look at your list or think about your list in those 30 days. It’s also forbidden. Just a thought….
In any case, as we agreed yesterday: It’s easier to give advise than to take it. 😉 So take it with a pinch of salt. I do like my advise, though. Hm, I might just try that, too.
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