The last few days have been an emotional set of ups and downs. I had wanted to write about everything I was feeling, but couldn’t focus enough to do that. In fact, each day this week, I sat down and opened up a new post to blog about whatever would be bothering me at the moment I decided to blog about it and then deleted the post before I ever published it. The problem I was having this week was the fact that everything I wanted to say was distracted by some other thought. I felt like my writing was taking on a bit of gibberish incoherence. So, I did what any intelligent person in control of their thoughts would do and put everything out there onto social media – namely Twitter. The thing is, last weekend really threw me for a loop and I was going through the week pondering if I could make it. I considered writing about the times I contemplated suicide in the past (I have had two actual moves towards doing it within my lifetime – I wrote about them in my last blog, but I don’t want to put too much emphasis on the subject); I considered writing about my financial problems and giving detailed information about my income and debts, I considered writing about other reasons I was hating my life, I considered going on and on about my sexuality, I considered discussing my alcoholism, I wanted to discuss my role as a parent (I rarely discuss my childre – not because I don’t love them, but because I don’t think they need to be impacted by what a mess I am, I considered writing about my marriage, etc., etc. All I know for sure is that Hilda had been visiting me in a big way this week!
But, truthfully, I don’t want Hilda to win. I want to make it through all of this and I know it’s possible. I know there is more to go through right now and I know I haven’t got it easy. Those are the things I’m able to accept. The problems I have, however, I haven’t discovered the solution. And that’s where I want my focus to be. I know when I was speaking with my sponsor and I was telling him about so many of the goals I have for my life, he mentioned that maybe the other goals will be come important once I handle the alcoholism. The thing is, I feel like a lot of the other things are what’s causing my to want to drink. I mean, if I am honest about my relapse last weekend, then I have to mention that my wife and I had a major argument about both of our failed expectations. When push came to shove (not literally, but certainly emotionally), I felt crushed. I felt the absolute worst and I won’t share my absolute worst thought in this episode (the most extreme self-deprecating thought), but it is what led me to want to drink to numb how I felt.
The thing is, I was absolutely not in control of my emotions or my thoughts – this is the most frightful thing I can imagine myself experiencing – the inability to control my own mind. My first thoughts were not the ones I could trust, they were the deceptive ones that were not in my best interest. At least at this moment, right now, I can look at that and realize that the one and only goal I need to worry about right now is this idea that I am capable of getting through things. I’m not going to lie – I have this major worry over the next few months and I’m trying to focus and gain the courage to truly face the things I need to face.
I still have some goals I want to accomplish, and I think I have been so caught up in the details of making everything work out perfectly, that it has given Hilda a path into my mind. The reality is that the courage I’m dying to have is probably going to come from just doing and not planning so much. I constantly worry about the things that can cause me to fail that I work on preventing those, rather than just performing what needs to be done. It’s led me to think that the real courage in accomplishing goals is the action of doing those things and not, simply, the desire.
I’m going to briefly state my goals (desires) again, for my own sake, and I’m listing them in the exact order they pop into my mind:
- Find a job/career/vocation that provides me fulfillment and financial security – include managing my finances better.
- Maintain my sobriety
- Commit to managing my diabetes
- Establish an exercise routine
- Find a Higher Power or be spiritual in someway
- Love myself – regardless of my sexuality or relationship status.