Today, I had someone that doesn’t typically give one iota of crap about how I feel or what’s going on with me ask me, “Are you not happy with your life?”. I responded in the affirmative and this person said, “I don’t really like you sad all of the time.” Of course, my first though, the one I didn’t vocalize, was “Well, how much do you think I fucking like it?” Obviously, I didn’t respond that way and expressed what I felt were the problem areas of my life and left out that I felt my relationship was a major one, as well – namely because the person I’m referring to above is the person with whom I have the relationship. I believe my biggest issue, however, is the fact that I feel trapped in my career and that I feel like a big, fat, hairy, old slob. My self-image completely sucks.
However, I expressed to my wife that I felt like I had no answers and I felt like I had no time to fix anything. I expressed that I am open to suggestions and ideas, because I know the path I am on is not healthy and I know I have made this circle of repetition over and over and over and over. (The spinning is such a buzz kill, let me tell you!). It was my attempt to reach out to her and show her that I’m willing to make her a part of the solution and show her that I trust my own emotional state with her. She told me, “I don’t know how, but you need to change your perspective”.
“Is that all? Wow! Imagine, if I would have known this all fucking along??? This is some fucking great fucking advice. Just change my perspective, as if it is so easy – especially, coming from Miss Negativity, herself…”
Her response lacked any luster or inspiration, but I don’t hold it against her because I felt she was breaching the topic out of a sense of caring and a desire to help. I know I want a different perspective, I know I want things to feel and be different. I have been struggling, there is no doubt, but the past few weeks have been an absolute misery. I seek to change my ways and then it seems that I filter off and return to old habits – checking out, drowning myself in social media, numbing my emotional state with beer, etc.
There are so many days, I feel like just letting everything go. Walking away from all of my responsibilities, would be out of character for me when I was happy and enjoyed being in my own body, but the person I have become would easily walk away from everything and avoid any association with it all. But I know that’s not the answer, because I know the problems are not exterior – they are all centered around me.
I am the problem.
The way I think, the out look I have on life, the image I have about myself, my lack of even small successes are ways that I feel these problems have manifested themselves. Speaking with some people, its easily the alcoholism playing out here. Talking to others, it’s because I don’t stand up for myself (Once, I had a therapist ask me why I couldn’t stand up for myself to the women in my life – my sister, my mother and certainly my wife). And, sometimes, it simply seems like I have no spiritual way of life – I’ve given up on Catholicism, I fight any interest in Christ or a God, I refuse to consider anything else. Some believe that my physical health is the number one concern and if I began addressing that, I would begin to feel better.
The problem, the one thing I keep coming back to is that I have no clue where to begin. And then when I do work on something, I don’t know when I should begin working on something else. I feel like any one focus on something pulls me away from the other things in my life that requires my attention. I simply feel like I have so much that I need to work on that I am overwhelmed by it all and then I give up working on anything.
The bottom line is that I am well aware of my depression, I just don’t know how to attack the son-of-a-bitch!