Depression Aware

Today, I had someone that doesn’t typically give one iota of crap about how I feel or what’s going on with me ask me, “Are you not happy with your life?”.  I responded in the affirmative and this person said, “I don’t really like you sad all of the time.”  Of course, my first though, the one I didn’t vocalize, was “Well, how much do you think I fucking like it?” Obviously, I didn’t respond that way and expressed what I felt were the problem areas of my life and left out that I felt my relationship was a major one, as well – namely because the person I’m referring to above is the person with whom I have the relationship.  I believe my biggest issue, however, is the fact that I feel trapped in my career and that I feel like a big, fat, hairy, old slob.  My self-image completely sucks.

However, I expressed to my wife that I felt like I had no answers and I felt like I had no time to fix anything. I expressed that I am open to suggestions and ideas, because I know the path I am on is not healthy and I know I have made this circle of repetition over and over and over and over. (The spinning is such a buzz kill, let me tell you!). It was my attempt to reach out to her and show her that I’m willing to make her a part of the solution and show her that I trust my own emotional state with her. She told me, “I don’t know how, but you need to change your perspective”.

“Is that all? Wow! Imagine, if I would have known this all fucking along??? This is some fucking great fucking advice. Just change my perspective, as if it is so easy – especially, coming from Miss Negativity, herself…”

Her response lacked any luster or inspiration, but I don’t hold it against her because I felt she was breaching the topic out of a sense of caring and a desire to help. I know I want a different perspective, I know I want things to feel and be different. I have been struggling, there is no doubt, but the past few weeks have been an absolute misery. I seek to change my ways and then it seems that I filter off and return to old habits – checking out, drowning myself in social media, numbing my emotional state with beer, etc.

There are so many days, I feel like just letting everything go. Walking away from all of my responsibilities, would be out of character for me when I was happy and enjoyed being in my own body, but the person I have become would easily walk away from everything and avoid any association with it all. But I know that’s not the answer, because I know the problems are not exterior – they are all centered around me.

I am the problem.

The way I think, the out look I have on life, the image I have about myself, my lack of even small successes are ways that I feel these problems have manifested themselves. Speaking with some people, its easily the alcoholism playing out here. Talking to others, it’s because I don’t stand up for myself (Once, I had a therapist ask me why I couldn’t stand up for myself to the women in my life – my sister, my mother and certainly my wife). And, sometimes, it simply seems like I have no spiritual way of life – I’ve given up on Catholicism, I fight any interest in Christ or a God, I refuse to consider anything else. Some believe that my physical health is the number one concern and if I began addressing that, I would begin to feel better.

The problem, the one thing I keep coming back to is that I have no clue where to begin. And then when I do work on something, I don’t know when I should begin working on something else. I feel like any one focus on something pulls me away from the other things in my life that requires my attention. I simply feel like I have so much that I need to work on that I am overwhelmed by it all and then I give up working on anything.

The bottom line is that I am well aware of my depression, I just don’t know how to attack the son-of-a-bitch!

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14 thoughts on “Depression Aware

  1. Here’s simplistice but also true: do things that make you feel better. Life is overwhelming, so focus on the things you do like, like ‘this is a great lunch’ and ‘that is a really cute cat’. That helps breaks the shit cycle. Then figure out if there is anything you can do that is common sense: eat well, drink enough water, get some exercise, sleep, whatever. I used to live on sugar, and felt depressed all the time and had no appetite for decent food, so I stayed depressed for decades and could maybe have felt somewhat better at least if I had known how important it is for my personal health to get enough vegetarian protein, say, and enough water to drink every day. I hope some of this is helpful, and also bear in mind it is the dark of the moon today and sometimes people feel more crap than usual, or more sensitive. The wife does not sound like an asset though–I hope you guys figure out eventually what works and what doesn’t work, staying together or not etc.

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  2. Hi there again, it sounds like you’re in a really bad spot at the moment and I feel it’s gonna be hard to find words to lift you up. Because sometimes it simply won’t work because life sometimes just plain out sucks. If I may suggest just once tiny thing, though: I do not think that you *are* the problem, only you might *have* one. Warm wishes.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m so sorry. I’m not an expert and I don’t know if this is the case for you but I felt for a couple of years and found out I had a severe vitamin D deficiency. My doctor put me on high-dose vitamin D and I finally started feeling like myself again. I was so low and so dark all the time but I had no idea just how unlike myself I was until I got better. It might be worth a check to see if it could be something physical affecting you. I’m not saying it is but it’s something to investigate.

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  4. When we get to this point it is really, REALLY hard to dig your way out. Although what your wife said wasn’t at all helpful for you I would focus more on the fact that she actually tried rather than just ignoring it and not caring at all. I think reading these comments that you do have support here so keep writing it out. Might not feel like it’s helping but it does help to have some release.

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  5. “How to eat an elephant” jumped out at me here (and the answer of course is that you can’t do it in one sitting but have to eat a little bit at a time)! It sound like you feel overwhelmed and over powered by the feeling that you need to tackle it all at once – easier said than done, but is there a way to map out what you perceive to be problems and see if you can attack it in smaller chunks as opposed to attempting to solve it all at once?

    Also agree with functioningguzzler – it sounds like your wife tried in her own way, even if she didn’t quite succeed in doing it in a way that helps you.

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  6. Sometimes the biggest changes occur with the littlest steps. Make a list of what is troubling, putting the most frustrating at the top. Then take #1 and break it down into small steps to remedy your frustration. Don’t move on to #2 which then becomes #1 until you’ve resolved the first one. Or if that seems like tackling the big stuff first, start with #10 and work your way up. Small accomplishments add up to more confidence and less frustration. I wish you well, my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

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