Where the hell have I been?

I can’t remember when I posted last, but I can say it’s been a while and I was too excited to make a post and give and update to my life that I jumped on here without checking the date of my last post. I think I mentioned on previous posts that I had been laid off again – the second time in only a few years. That caused me to feel massively out of control of my life. Obviously this has provided some challenges to me – my relationship suffers, my finances suffer and unfortunately, I slid into a massive relapse from my sobriety.

I don’t discuss my marriage too often, for the simple fact that it is unfair to my wife. Here I would be bitching and whining and she would have no opportunity to defend herself to the people with whom I discuss our problems. There is no doubt that my marriage has been a vicious cycle of on again off again toxicity. Granted, I’m not sure what will happen in the long run, but having lost a job is providing a barrier to some of the ways we need to work together.  I don’t want to go into a lot of details about the situation right yet (I’m not good at being vulnerable anyways…).

Financially, I’m in a huge mess right now. When I was laid off from my job in March of 2015, I didn’t find work until April 2016.  During that entire year, I spent my entire life’s savings, plus my 401(k) to maintain my family’s lifestyle and pay off a lot of debt. When I started working again, it was in another state and I made the decision to keep my marriage and leave that job to go back home and work a different job.  Then, I was offered a job back with the company I worked for, previously. Then, given the opportunity to promote my career and be home on a regular basis, I accepted a fourth position – this all occurred in about a 2 year time frame. In the mean time, I was trying extremely hard to boost our financial status and manage the debt we were quickly incurring. And then the ball dropped and I was laid off again. I spent two months looking for more work and I have accepted the first position offered to me – one that pays less than half what I was making prior to March 2015. Unfortunately, I have a lot of debt and I’m struggling to pay my mortgage. There’s a strong possibility, I’m going to have to sell my house, so I can tap into the equity already there and use it to catch up on everything I’m behind on.  The major problem with that is the fact that my monthly mortgage is far less than rental costs right now. This will be a tough challenge…

Unfortunately, when I lost my job, I went out and drank the same day. And I didn’t stop until January 4th of this year – yes, I’m working on my 25th day of sobriety. Truthfully, I am not upset about it. I think I needed to feel desperate enough to change – my life has never felt more fucked than it does right now. But I’m trying to keep things in perspective and realize there are some things I can be thankful for at the moment – I have a place to sleep, food in the fridge, a roof over my head, heat, electricity, running water and a job. I’m also back to working with a sponsor, trying to attend AA meetings as much as I can – though, doing 90 meetings in 90 days is tough, because I am without a car and using mass transit.

Anyways, I know I haven’t been around much, but I’m hoping to get back to my normal chipper self. 🙂


23 thoughts on “Where the hell have I been?

  1. As you know, it ain’t a walk in the park, by ANY stretch of the imagination. For me, took a few attempts before succeeding, but now it’s been 34 yrs, no longer any cravings.
    Hang On!! You CAN do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have always been your biggest fan and now is not any different. Ah what the hell, shit happens, right? so what if you are starting over again and you are on your 25th day. The most important is that you have gotten up again and you are doing it. Not everyone can, and you I’m sure would have plenty of reason to fold and throw in the towel, yet you are doing the right thing. You are learning to dance in the rain and rolling with the punches. Sometimes I think it is what life is all about. Learning to be flexible with all the curveballs that come our way. You are doing it.
    You have struggled with your job, and you have worked so hard to keep it all going. Yet the issue resurfaces and throws another obstacle into your way. I have mentioned it before that perhaps the lesson is that you are not meant to carry all that weight and work yourself to death. Less is more my friend. I once heard that a problem will keep coming back until the lesson is learned. Perhaps something to consider. I’m here for you Princess and I believe in you. Giant hug my friend, you got this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ahh yes, the beautiful Gift of Desperation. Makes one really appreciate how the little things in life are actually what matter most. You’re so much stronger than you ever realized and it put things in a new perspective. So, so pleased to see you back here and sharing again. I missed you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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