Yesterday, I was questioning myself again. Specifically, I happened to be questioning my sexuality again. I had tweeted out, “I’m having one of those ‘maybe I shouldn’t be bisexual’ days…” because I was in a bit of a mood where I was pondering the things that impact me in a negative way. I was looking at things I felt I used as key tactics of avoidance. It’s hard from me to go into a lot of detail about the thoughts I had experienced, but the idea that maybe I’m not actually bisexual hit me.
The reality of this feeling is wrapped up in the complexity of marriage and the various relationships I’ve had in life. I had a feeling that my sexuality was not conducive to me being in relationships – I mean, how could I possibly be satisfied if I am attracted to both genders, right? It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way. I doubt it’ll ever be the last. And truthfully, when I am in a horrible relationship, it’s easy for me to feel like maybe I am bisexual. It’s almost like the reason I can’t make any relationship with a woman go well has everything to do with my sexuality – almost like that IS the underlying issue at hand. So, it makes a little sense that I question if/how my sexuality plays a serious role in the success or failure of a relationship.
There’s more to it, however, as I continue to work on my sobriety. There is a point during the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, where the conception of a Higher Power or God begins to take from in the process of recovery. Being raised catholic, I have a tendency to conceive of a God that catholics understand. With that in mind, there is a serious problem engaging in any sex outside of a marriage – marriage that catholics define can only be between one man and one woman. Of course, this would include homosexual acts, but any heterosexual acts that did not include a husband and wife. So, I have a somewhat negative connotation to this. I also understand that catholics don’t condemn a pewrson for being non-heterosexual, but only engaging in acts that are outside of a marriage. So, it would seem like the proper way for me to live is in a way that doesn’t include any sexual activity – male or female – other than a spouse.
And because of this, I begin to question if my conception of God is wrong or if my sexuality is authentic. The reality, however, is that I have always fallen short of catholic moral ethics – including pre-martial sex and sex with guys. Obviously, I have engaged in both of those. But is it an requirement that I begin living in a way that is according to God’s will that would demonstrate that I reject those things that are of fleshly desire? I’m not really sure how to answer or address this matter in my life.
I’ve also noticed, lately, that many of my attractions have been towards women. Granted, I’m not going to seek out any sort of sexual or romantic encounters with women, but I would turn away from those with guys, as well. But I’m not sure if that is the thing I should be doing or if this is a thing that I am denying about myself. How would I truly be able to tell?
The reality is this: I have engaged in sexual activities with females and I have engaged in sexual activities with males. I have noticed that I have attractions to women, but I have also felt attractions to men at different times too. In essence, this would seem to define me as bisexual. I have had relationships with females and, outside of friendship, I have never had a romantic relationship with a guy. Of course, based on this, one would quickly surmise that I am bisexual. Or as one Tweeter had replied to my post,
“I don’t think you have a choice there. You’re one of us forever!”