What if I am not…?

Yesterday, I was questioning myself again. Specifically, I happened to be questioning my sexuality again. I had tweeted out, “I’m having one of those ‘maybe I shouldn’t be bisexual’ days…” because I was in a bit of a mood where I was pondering the things that impact me in a negative way.  I was looking at things I felt I used as key tactics of avoidance. It’s hard from me to go into a lot of detail about the thoughts I had experienced, but the idea that maybe I’m not actually bisexual hit me.

The reality of this feeling is wrapped up in the complexity of marriage and the various relationships I’ve had in life. I had a feeling that my sexuality was not conducive to me being in relationships – I mean, how could I possibly be satisfied if I am attracted to both genders, right? It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way. I doubt it’ll ever be the last. And truthfully, when I am in a horrible relationship, it’s easy for me to feel like maybe I am bisexual. It’s almost like the reason I can’t make any relationship with a woman go well has everything to do with my sexuality – almost like that IS the underlying issue at hand. So, it makes a little sense that I question if/how my sexuality plays a serious role in the success or failure of a relationship.

There’s more to it, however, as I continue to work on my sobriety. There is a point during the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, where the conception of a Higher Power or God begins to take from in the process of recovery. Being raised catholic, I have a tendency to conceive of a God that catholics understand. With that in mind, there is a serious problem engaging in any sex outside of a marriage – marriage that catholics define can only be between one man and one woman. Of course, this would include homosexual acts, but any heterosexual acts that did not include a husband and wife. So, I have a somewhat negative connotation to this. I also understand that catholics don’t condemn a pewrson for being non-heterosexual, but only engaging in acts that are outside of a marriage. So, it would seem like the proper way for me to live is in a way that doesn’t include any sexual activity – male or female – other than a spouse.

And because of this, I begin to question if my conception of God is wrong or if my sexuality is authentic. The reality, however, is that I have always fallen short of catholic moral ethics – including pre-martial sex and sex with guys. Obviously, I have engaged in both of those. But is it an requirement that I begin living in a way that is according to God’s will that would demonstrate that I reject those things that are of fleshly desire? I’m not really sure how to answer or address this matter in my life.

I’ve also noticed, lately, that many of my attractions have been towards women. Granted, I’m not going to seek out any sort of sexual or romantic encounters with women, but I would turn away from those with guys, as well. But I’m not sure if that is the thing I should be doing or if this is a thing that I am denying about myself. How would I truly be able to tell?

The reality is this: I have engaged in sexual activities with females and I have engaged in sexual activities with males. I have noticed that I have attractions to women, but I have also felt attractions to men at different times too. In essence, this would seem to define me as bisexual. I have had relationships with females and, outside of friendship, I have never had a romantic relationship with a guy. Of course, based on this, one would quickly surmise that I am bisexual. Or as one Tweeter had replied to my post,

“I don’t think you have a choice there. You’re one of us forever!”

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38 thoughts on “What if I am not…?

  1. I still think that orientation is a different question than relationship. I guess I’m technically bisexual if I had to be tediously specific about it, and have had relationships over the years with people who were male, female, trans, and none of the above, but it’s always been about the individual and whether or not I was attracted to that person and that person to me, as opposed to ‘a guy: got to get him’ or ‘ a woman: got to get her’. The other key question to me is: whatever orientation I may feel, am I ‘allowed’ within my relationship with self or others to be with anyone, or with only one person at a time, or am I free to date anyone I want who shows interest or what? I don’t believe that everyone straight or gay wants to jump the bones of every person in that category just as a given by being straight or gay, or that bisexuals have to want to jump the bones of everybody times two, or that nonbinary people have to want to jump every set of bones that is not defined as this or that or whatever. I still think that the limits of relationship are something each person has to decide with whatever others they are with, as well as with themselves. You are married and so you may find people attractive–I might find half the people I see in the street attractive in some way, but I don’t go after them since I am married and it would distress my partner too severely, and also because it can be a complete pain in the neck to have new partners and then have to see what happens next, so it suits me not to go with them at this time, to save myself angst and wangst. There are something like eight or twelve billion people in the world now that I am not having sex with, and that’s okay with me right now, but might change sometime. It may not suit you to not feel free to go with others, and so you have to figure out if doing that would help your life or not, and to me, that is completely different than if you’re straight/gay/bi/pansexual/whatever. Like, I’m vegetarian, and if I’m not going to go to that restaurant over there anyhow, I just don’t care if they serve vegetarian stuff, you know? The issue of religious and spiritual belifs seems different but will influence what you feel, if you let it. Good luck, and be nice to yourself. You’re okay.

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  2. Being an atheist myself, I can’t help but wonder if the many assorted sexual hang-ups in Catholicism stem more from people with their own agendas holding power in the church than from any sort of divine commandment.

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  3. I totally agree with @ashlevleia. Your strict Catholic upbringing has colored your perspective on other aspects of your life. I was also brought up between the Catholic Church and the strict Southern Baptist Church. Religious undertones have kept me confused in so many areas of my life, I wouldn’t know where to start. My brother who is a Buddhist introduced me to their philosophy and my life has opened up to me on so many different levels. I’m not saying run off and be Buddhist and poof, problem solved, I’m only suggesting research other religions or philosophies to get a broader view of your problem at hand.

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      1. Wow, thank you! I’m finally learning WP well enough to get notified of the blogs I truly want to follow daily such as yours. There was so much other nonsense in my reader I was missing out on my faves💕💕

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  4. Being bisexual is one thing; it’s what you think, it’s how you feel and while there’s not a whole lot you can do about your thoughts and feelings, you can do something about how you act on those thoughts and feelings… even if you choose not to act. You know that I know your history and how this just fucks with you… when it shouldn’t be fucking with you at all so I’m not gonna rehash that which you know already.

    But, as it’s being said, bisexuality is fluid; it’s dynamic and not static, meaning that one moment a bi guy can be totally focused on women (and as men are supposed to be) and “out of the blue” have that focus change to guys – nothing unusual about that but some bi guys think it’s weird just the same. A lot of guys who have “girl problems” find themselves being more focused toward guys and especially guys with, ah, prior experience with men because they know that, if they could or wanted to, they could get with a guy without having to go through all the shit women put men through to have sex.

    But once the girl problems have passed, it’s back to being primarily focused on women; again, nothing unusual about this. I have reason to think that your issues with your wife have nothing to do with your sexuality and more so since, as I recall, your experiences with guys happened before you even knew she existed and while you’ve often thought about getting with a guy, you haven’t (unless there’s something you’ve not shared). Some women seem to exist solely to make a guy’s life miserable and women, sad to say and without offense to other women, tend to behave like this: If you told her that back in the day – and before you knew she existed – you had sex with guys, not only would she deem you to be a really and serious fucked up individual, she’s gonna carry that disdain for you with her and hold it against you for the rest of your life… which is insane since she wasn’t even in the picture way back when you had your experiences and the concept of “that was then, this is now” doesn’t seem to compute with some women.

    And if you told her, not only is she gonna bust your ass for doing something she believes you should have never done, she’s gonna assume that you’ve been doing something with guys all along and, again, I’m pretty sure that you actually haven’t. But to her, you’re guilty: You were guilty before you even met her and you’re guilty right now even though, again, you’ve remained faithful to her.

    So, no: If you’re having problems with her, it’s not because of your sexual past – that’s just your mind making excuses and trying to figure out why she’s making your life a living hell and, “historically,” women who think that their husband isn’t or can’t do things the way they want them done and consistently so usually wind up getting their heads handed to them. Your best isn’t ever good enough and she makes no bones about that and when you toss in all the other stuff that plagues you – like your sexuality – it gets you to drinking which, of course, just adds one more problem on top of all the other problems you have.

    Bisexuality hasn’t fucked your life up – life has fucked your life up and just as it has for a whole lot of men but, eh, that’s just the way shit goes; sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. And the thing that fucks your life up the most is… yourself and mostly because you can’t seem to get all the pressures that are on you off of you, that and you’re not getting any help dealing with them.

    You’re bisexual and you know it just like all of us who follow you knows it and even if you never do another sexual or even romantic thing with a guy, you will forever be bisexual because it’s not just a thing to do:

    It’s a way to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Obviously I have not shared EVERYTHING here, but give me time and I might. 😏

      But I simply sharedcwhat I was thinking and feeling. I’ve always appreciated tour suggestion that I can offer my sexuality on a “need to know” basis and that has given me the confidence I feel like I need. But, I’m also not going to lie if I said I have not felt any temptations…I have and I do.

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    1. I haven’t discussed a lot of the details of my marriage, but it is tumultuous on a level that’s tough to explain. Although, I’m not engaged in any relationships outside of my marriage there have been times I’ve wondered if I would be better off…

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  5. Great post i love ppl who question themselves its awesome to be open and its freeing to be able to talk about it.
    A sexually open person isnt someone that can place themselves on one or two things in this world we tend to think to much within the realms of what we have been taught since birth.
    I believe its not one or even two choices its more than that its finding the right ingredients that makes you happy

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is the problem with society where religious based ideas ruin it for those that are slightly intreged about their sexuality. We cannot do anything about society but, we can understand ourselves hun, I am going through the same thing I am curious about many things however, what makes me stuck is being judged as a slut, too over the top which is really nothing few a girl however, for a man it is much harder due to the people your livingt with family friends… if you have a partner that accepts you for who you are.. and what you like then perhaps life will get better… can you talk to her?

    Liked by 1 person

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