Anxiety running high today.

I can’t get my car registered with the state.

A month ago, I started a new job without having transportation. Well, I borrowed a couple thousand bucks from a family member to buy a used car. Well, I found one a week ago, bought it and got the title this past Wednesday. It’s not extravagant, but it’ll work to get me to and from work on a daily basis until I am able to repair my financial situation. I’m low-balling things and barely getting by. I even got on track to catch up my mortgage payments, so I won’t lose my house. Things were starting to go in the right direction until I noticed the check engine light on the car I bought. Fuck!

Why “Fuck”?  Well, I live in a state that has an emissions test requirement for used vehicles before you can register the car and get license plates with the state and any vehicle with the check engine light on will automatically fail the emissions test. And I have no money to get the car repaired. So, now I feel a tad fucked.

To top it off, I had some major conflicts going on in my family right now, and a lot of it has to do with our money situation. Although, they seem to have calmed, it’s like everything is on edge right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed with my personal relationships with people right now. I’m feeling out of control.

My job, although going well, is beginning to feel overwhelming too. Obviously, as my boss is feeling more and more comfortable with my abilities, I am being given more and more responsibility. But I feel mentally, and physically drained right now because I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m also noticing some things about this business that makes me feel nervous, and having gone through a couple lay-offs over the past few years, I don’t know that I can handle another one.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I have sleep-apnea and the machine I use is broke. I can’t get another one right now, because they are too expensive and I won’t have medical insurance for another month. Speaking of another month before getting insurance, I have just a month left of supplies for my insulin pump and insulin. I can’t afford a month’s supply of insulin and pump supplies to carry me through until my insurance kicks in. I estimate it would cost me $1500 (I think…I’m ball parking it here). To top it off, I already owe $600 to the supplier, who won’t send me new supplies until I pay the current bill. I’m basically fucked again. I’m too tired to work a second job of driving for Lyft/Uber, because I’m terrified of falling asleep at the will. I can’t get caught up with everything.

And Hilda is running amok in my head this week. I fucking hate that bitch. I don’t know why she won’t leave me alone. I am a nice person and all I want to do is take care of my obligations and responsibilities. But lately, I day dream so much about hiking, about going to the mountains. I day dream about being healthy and working out, but Hilda ruins it all. She makes me feel like absolute fucking shit.

And I hate that I’m cussing….

I’m just not happy at the moment. And I’m worried about my sobriety.

And I hate that I feel like this post is rampant with errors because my mind isn’t clear and focused. How stupid is that? I’m more concerned about the fucking writing errors than I am about the thinking errors…

Today just feels fucked up…


14 thoughts on “Anxiety running high today.

  1. 1) tell Hilda to STFU
    2) breathe
    3) remind yourself you’re doing the best you can
    4) call your sponsor
    5) if your insurance hasn’t kicked in, check options with pharmacist for reduced meds. ( keep hearing there are ways to get it)
    6) go back to the dealer or person about this vehicle, maybe they’ll have it repaired in good faith?
    7) or check your friend’s list, know any mechanics?

    but most of all, 8) give yourself credit that you haven’t touched a drink.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Susi…
      This honest to god brought a tear to me eye. Yes, there is a way to handle it all. I am glad I haven’t drank…I speak to my sponsor daily, immediately after work. It was a private party purchase, and unfortunately the ad on Craigslist is now gone and I deleted this person’s number from my phone already. So, I am stuck with it. I’m going to go get a free diagnostic from Auto Zone and start there. We’ll see what happens.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Your welfare is important to me! I feel like you’d reach out too and help to get me back on track. 🙂 After reading some of the comments, glad to hear you are feeling a little better and sorted out some. Good luck with the check from AZ! Keep coming back… here, if you need us! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can totally relate. You have to grab onto what you can control and that is your reaction to all the things happening. I am not saying that it will solve your problem but it will allow you to take a step back. Breathe. When we are too close up we can can’t see a way out. As far as the check engine light, most supply stores, of vehicle parts, will run a free diagnostics test and when they do they have the ability to shut that light off. My advice would be to go straight to the emissions place after visiting there. Kinda beating the system but it will lessen that stress. Money problems are the worst especially within the family but you must remind yourself if you can’t afford to buy medication, life-saving medication at that, you can’t afford to drink. I hope you are able to resolve this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Eve. Truthfully, I feel much better after writing this all down. I just needed to get it all out and not harbor it inside… I did breathe and count to 100, so that helped a lot! And I will not drink today. Today is the only one that matters. Thank you, so much!


  3. That damned check engine light! What you probably should do is find out what the OBDII code (or codes) was – that will tell you exactly what needs to be fixed but it could be anything from a bad oxygen sensor to your gas cap not being in good shape or locked down tight enough. I don’t know about where you live but our DMV, when an OBDII code is discovered, will put the code on the form and if the guy checking your car out is nice, he might tell you what the code means because they see them every day – then it’s a matter of looking it up then going about getting it fixed.

    Liked by 1 person

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