I can’t get my car registered with the state.
A month ago, I started a new job without having transportation. Well, I borrowed a couple thousand bucks from a family member to buy a used car. Well, I found one a week ago, bought it and got the title this past Wednesday. It’s not extravagant, but it’ll work to get me to and from work on a daily basis until I am able to repair my financial situation. I’m low-balling things and barely getting by. I even got on track to catch up my mortgage payments, so I won’t lose my house. Things were starting to go in the right direction until I noticed the check engine light on the car I bought. Fuck!
Why “Fuck”? Well, I live in a state that has an emissions test requirement for used vehicles before you can register the car and get license plates with the state and any vehicle with the check engine light on will automatically fail the emissions test. And I have no money to get the car repaired. So, now I feel a tad fucked.
To top it off, I had some major conflicts going on in my family right now, and a lot of it has to do with our money situation. Although, they seem to have calmed, it’s like everything is on edge right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed with my personal relationships with people right now. I’m feeling out of control.
My job, although going well, is beginning to feel overwhelming too. Obviously, as my boss is feeling more and more comfortable with my abilities, I am being given more and more responsibility. But I feel mentally, and physically drained right now because I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m also noticing some things about this business that makes me feel nervous, and having gone through a couple lay-offs over the past few years, I don’t know that I can handle another one.
I haven’t been sleeping well. I have sleep-apnea and the machine I use is broke. I can’t get another one right now, because they are too expensive and I won’t have medical insurance for another month. Speaking of another month before getting insurance, I have just a month left of supplies for my insulin pump and insulin. I can’t afford a month’s supply of insulin and pump supplies to carry me through until my insurance kicks in. I estimate it would cost me $1500 (I think…I’m ball parking it here). To top it off, I already owe $600 to the supplier, who won’t send me new supplies until I pay the current bill. I’m basically fucked again. I’m too tired to work a second job of driving for Lyft/Uber, because I’m terrified of falling asleep at the will. I can’t get caught up with everything.
And Hilda is running amok in my head this week. I fucking hate that bitch. I don’t know why she won’t leave me alone. I am a nice person and all I want to do is take care of my obligations and responsibilities. But lately, I day dream so much about hiking, about going to the mountains. I day dream about being healthy and working out, but Hilda ruins it all. She makes me feel like absolute fucking shit.
And I hate that I’m cussing….
I’m just not happy at the moment. And I’m worried about my sobriety.
And I hate that I feel like this post is rampant with errors because my mind isn’t clear and focused. How stupid is that? I’m more concerned about the fucking writing errors than I am about the thinking errors…
Today just feels fucked up…