Right now I’m going through a bit of a dry spell in my recovery from alcohol. I don’t believe I’m in danger of drinking, but I also don’t want to sit on my laurels and have it sneak up on me. I am working the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and have taken the 3rd step where I am turning my will and life over to God as I understand him (or her). And, I’m feeling a lot better, physically, but mentally I’m still going through the same stuff I always go through.
And that is what has me worried.
I’m concerned about the future, because of my financial challenges. I regret my past and all of the things I have done or have failed to do. I’m stuck in this over-anxious mood of future thinking and depressed about my past. Granted, for an alcoholic of my type, neither of these things are very good. And the reality is that I know I am not present in the Now. And I have a fundamental understanding that it is in the Now that I can experience a connection to my Higher Power.
Listening to various podcasts, YouTube videos and a Speakers app I have on my phone, it becomes readily obvious how important it is for an alcoholic to remain in the present – or The Now, as I’ve heard it called. This idea of The Now alleviates us of that restlessness, irritability and discontent that depression and/or anxiety might provide. And it’s in this restlessness, irritability and discontent that the mental obsession of alcohol comes into play for us alcoholics. But, without rehashing Step 1, I am dealing with these feelings right now and I’m not sure what to do about it.
I have prayed. I have written a gratitude list. I have spoken with another alcoholic. But these feelings still remain – they’ve even caused me a headache that I can’t stand. Right now, my biggest concern just seems to be getting through today, but I don’t even know how to focus my mind – even here at work. I recognize this is all temporary and I even recognize that I have been at this stage of sobriety before when things begin getting a little weird in my head. I have hopes, however, and because I have hopes, I believe I’ll make it another day.
Day 53 Sober