Right now

Right now I’m going through a bit of a dry spell in my recovery from alcohol.  I don’t believe I’m in danger of drinking, but I also don’t want to sit on my laurels and have it sneak up on me.  I am working the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and have taken the 3rd step where I am turning my will and life over to God as I understand him (or her). And, I’m feeling a lot better, physically, but mentally I’m still going through the same stuff I always go through.

And that is what has me worried.

I’m concerned about the future, because of my financial challenges. I regret my past and all of the things I have done or have failed to do. I’m stuck in this over-anxious mood of future thinking and depressed about my past.  Granted, for an alcoholic of my type, neither of these things are very good. And the reality is that I know I am not present in the Now. And I have a fundamental understanding that it is in the Now that I can experience a connection to my Higher Power.

Listening to various podcasts, YouTube videos and a Speakers app I have on my phone, it becomes readily obvious how important it is for an alcoholic to remain in the present – or The Now, as I’ve heard it called. This idea of The Now alleviates us of that restlessness, irritability and discontent that depression and/or anxiety might provide. And it’s in this restlessness, irritability and discontent that the mental obsession of alcohol comes into play for us alcoholics. But, without rehashing Step 1, I am dealing with these feelings right now and I’m not sure what to do about it.

I have prayed. I have written a gratitude list. I have spoken with another alcoholic. But these feelings still remain – they’ve even caused me a headache that I can’t stand. Right now, my biggest concern just seems to be getting through today, but I don’t even know how to focus my mind – even here at work. I recognize this is all temporary and I even recognize that I have been at this stage of sobriety before when things begin getting a little weird in my head. I have hopes, however, and because I have hopes, I believe I’ll make it another day.

Day 53 Sober

14 thoughts on “Right now

  1. For me, being in the now requires a committed effort to refocus on those things right in front of me. Every single time you drift back to wrap yourself in those feelings is exactly when you need to say STOP and refocus where you attention should be. It’s not hard but it’s hard work and requires more effort than staying in the “comfort zone”. By comfort zone I mean familiar. And by familiar I mean the zone where we feel damaged is who we are. And by you wanting something different for you, this is what creates these feelings, IMO. I’m glad you continue to remain sober. You’re worth it! ((hugs))

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  2. “And I have a fundamental understanding that it is in the Now that I can experience a connection to my Higher Power.” That is beautiful. I love this so much… and I want to tell you something. I have spent this day mostly in the Now, and yet also as necessary in the planning for the near future (actually doing the exercises, the house work, the cat-herding involved in being a good parent, also hosting neighbour kids, arranging for a sleepover for my kids and their friends and so on…) and today, for the first time in a very long time, I have written about what I was doing in every spare moment (i.e. between the cracks). The sounds around me, the interruptions, the lack of writing during the interruptions, what I believed I should be doing instead (i.e. further to-do list items that were not getting done), everything — but with such sense of *connection.* And I felt so happy and quietly joyful. And yet was a high-functioning, (alcohol-free for this day) human being. I sort of was so awed by your post… you punctuated these good feelings for me somehow. Now I sit by the fire, laptop on lap, blanket around my shoulders, and a nice message from an acquiesant soul, elsewhere in the world, but yet in the same place, here, Now. Thank you

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  3. I love how raw and beautifully authentic you express your journey in sobriety. I am trying to think if I can remember my day 53. Nope. However, I can remember how irritable, spazzy, disorganized, moody, wildly happy, deeply emotional, grateful, then angry, then spazzy again…you get the picture right? kinda all over the place. Everyone in the rooms kept telling me, it will get easier. I wanted to flip them the bird. But they didn’t lie. 6.5 years later, I thank all of them for sticking with me,..believing in my fierce determination to get and STAY sober. Living in the Now used to be really hard. really really hard. But my new sober self doesn’t seem to struggle with it (most of the time, that is). But being in the Now early on is so tough because its all these emotions and senses and thoughts that are trying to get in balance and the brain is off on the fast train to who knows where? I do recall when I was irritable and struggling to just get through a day I constantly took suggestions from my AA peeps. I begged them: “tell me what the “bleep” to do right now because I’m going to jump out of my skin any moment. And they sat with me and gave me suggestions and listened to me blab and blubber on and on about how it sucks not going to my former lover (pinot grigio) to just numb the crazies I felt. Easy button. I didn’t push that button as much as I wanted to at times early on.
    I learned that giving a lot to my HP worked. “guide my thinking, HP, cuz i’m not doing it so well myself!” or, “I can’t handle these really hard emotions, HP. I’m giving them to you to deal with them yourself.” Or, “HP, I hate living in the Now. What the F do I do? Can you figure it out for me because all it’s doing is making me nuts.” I used to do it sarcastically because I didn’t believe it would work. But, it did.

    Keep doing what you are doing theacquiescentsoul, and I promise you things will be better.

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    1. Wow! This is wonderfully insightful description of exactly how I’ve been feeling. I truly appreciate the similarities other Alcoholics can see in me, because there are many times I have a tough time making the connection.
      Thank you so much for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. One of the most shocking things I ever heard at an A.A. meeting was that alcohol isn’t our problem. It’s only a SYMPTOM of all the underlying problems we have that we self-medicate using alcohol to cope with. I think focusing on the “Now” in early sobriety can actually make things worse! Having razor sharp clarity, seeing the facts of our lives so well can make us to feel depressed, or remorseful, or angry. Better IMHO to focus our now-time on addressing those symptom’s mentioned above — because until we do, we’re going to just keep longing for relief from them in the best way that we know how (drink). Be gentle on yourself. Way to go on 53/54 days!

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    1. Thank you so much for the comment. I think my biggest ally has been surrendering to the problem and allowing the suggestions I’m hearing to be implemented. It’s simple, and hard at the same time. And I’ll get through this 54th 24 hour period. 🙂

      Like

  5. I love this. And I can really relate – I have to constantly rein myself in and pull myself back to the here and now. It’s even how I speak!! I often catch both my thoughts and what comes out of my mouth being things that centre around tomorrow or “when THIS happens, THEN” and so on. This is nailing one of the most crucial aspects of recovery in my view: the ability to find peace in NOW. Keep going, my friend, and keep sharing – you always make me think and your insights are often stunning. Big hugs and Happy Wednesday to you! Anna

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And a big hug back to you Anna. Oh trust me, it is much more difficult doing it than saying it, but when I wrote this is was really struggling and I needed to force myself back into the moment. Writing this helped with that.
      Once again, I appreciate you and your own recovery is inspiring to me!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Because I am now old and retired, I have FINALLY been able to stay in the present more often. Still planning for the future in the now, and look back on the past, as life..some good and some not so good.
    So happy you are reading and writing and staying sober!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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