I woke up this morning, feeling a little defeated.
I woke up this morning not wanting my life.
I woke up this morning feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I woke up this morning feeling like sobriety didn’t matter.
And then, I rolled out of bed and prayed The Serenity Prayer, asked God to help me understand His will for me and then ended asking that He keep me sober another day. To say I’m struggling financially is a huge understatement. Although, I have caught up on my mortgage, I am behind on other things. Typical monthly bills like heat, water, car payment, and others have not been payed on time. Granted, they are not more than a week or two behind, but they are behind and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do to catch up.
And I’m tired of this…so….so….so tired of this.
I drive part time for one of those ride sharing programs, but it is getting hard to stay up late doing that. I’m beginning to feel my age. I’m also going through some changes in my body as I try to eat healthier and abstain from alcohol. I’ve also got sleep apnea that is currently untreated because my VPAP machine is broken and I don’t have medical insurance for another month – so, as you can imagine, my body is extremely fatigued and stressed right now.
I’ve got other worries – one is a life or death issue, but I still have time to deal with it; most of them aren’t worth going into detail over. What I am feeling today is a serious case of the “Fuck its”. I don’t want to give a shit today. I don’t want to deal with any of it…
Actually, that’s not true.
I want to deal with it. I want to face it head on and come up with a solution and get on top of shit. But I’m tired. Exhausted. Drained. Discouraged. Frustrated. Lost.
Maybe that’s all that matters. Maybe the only thing I should focus on is my sobriety. I just need to get through today. I need to manage those things that I Can and let go of those things I cannot figure out right this moment.
Maybe I need to pray more often. Maybe each little thing that bothers me today, I turn to my Higher Power and ask Him to help me? I dunno. I’m feeling my faith challenged right now too. I want the peaceful serenity that is promised by living spiritually, but somedays I just don’t know if I’m doing any of this right. And shouldn’t there be some sort of subtle reward for those that want to do what’s right? Shouldn’t there be some sort of spiritual favor for the person that just wants to get through the current day…
All, I know is that I won’t drink today. That’s all I’ve got today.