It’s no secret that I struggle in my relationship with God. I struggle for so many reasons, but I won’t go into great detail (You’ll get bored, and I don’t have the time), but I wanted to highlight a few things going on in my mind lately. My main struggle is that I have this inclination that God hates me. I also have a hard time understanding the differing points of view humanity has on the concept of God or a Higher Power.
I’ve often had people tell me that God doesn’t hate me, and then there is a litany of varying biblical versus showing me that God loves me. And, as I work through Twelve Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), it is still stressed that God loves me, you, them, us, everyone. I’ve even been told that I need to reject the ideas of God that were instilled in me during my youth and upbringing. The problem with that is that I felt really positive about my religion and faith while growing up; it’s later in life that I began to question everything and anything because of the challenges of life.
I feel like there have been times that I really needed an intervention from God. Not that I wanted Him to give me some thing or solve some problem for me (Although, I would not have complained if it happened), but rather give me the guidance to understand how to solve problems or give me the wisdom to overcome the challenges of life. I’ve struggled with various relationships, my sexuality, finances, depression, etc. and have prayed for God to help me find the answers and solutions to handle these things. And, I never feel like I have found these answers or the guidance required.
I also feel like society has changed in dramatic ways (and some much more subtle), that has brought into question the concepts of right and wrong – and how they relate to personal desire. Going through the AA program and working on my 4th step, I’m focusing on the flaws of selfishness and self-seeking behavior and how it relates to letting go of self-driven will-power. Essentially, I am asking the question: Is what I want out of life, wrong? Certainly, a philosophical question.
And philosophical questions have been addressed by humanity for all of its existence. I think men and women’s purpose and relationship with everything around them has always been a topic of curiosity, and has led to the development of major religions, philosophical theories and other examinations. Obviously, this isn’t news to anyone, but my point leads me back to the age old question: How do I know what is right or wrong? This is another question I’ve prayed to God about asking to understand the truth and have been left with no clear understanding.
There are so many other questions I have, but I feel like the essence of these two issues are the ones I feel like I have to understand as a means of ever grasping at building my relationship with a God or Higher Power…
Today is day 67, however, and I will not drink today.