I recognize it: I’m stuck.
It’s always mental, isn’t it?
For some reason, I am feeling like nothing really changes. For some reason, I can’t find the way through, around, over, under or simply remove the mental barriers I have in achieving the things I want to do in life. But, I find myself becoming discouraged, hopeless, or simply bored with the efforts. I’ve been here before – numerous times. I just don’t know what it is about feeling this way. I don’t feel down, but I don’t feel up either. I feel…meh, whatever.
I also know this is a danger spot for me in my sobriety. I’ve been here before a few times in the past few years, trying to achieve the “magical” 90 days of sobriety. I understand that right now, today, is the moment that matters. I have to maintain working on the behaviors of change, but I’m becoming bored and disinterested because there are things in life I want for myself. And if feel like everything is in the way.
Then, I stop and look and try to identify those things that are hindering me. And I notice everything is an excuse. But, I can’t find a way out of the inescapable feeling of monotony. I’m not making progress in any area of my life and I feel like a major upheaval is in order to jump start something – anything. I’m just tired, bored, discontent, and feeling like…
…there is no point…
Maybe that’s it? I don’t mean it from the standpoint of wanting life to be over and done with, but more that it really doesn’t matter what I do, this is my life. This boring, blah, mundane existence is utterly pointless and the striving to get ahead is a never-ending hill of constant struggle. And I feel like stopping.
What if I just stayed on this portion of the hill? Would I be able to stabilize everything? I mean, I’ll never get my debts paid off. I am beginning to doubt that I’ll ever find financial success. And my health? Ugh…I went to a taekwon-do class the other night and I couldn’t throw a kick, if my life depended on it – a pathetic attempt at trying to see if I can get back into shape. And when I try to diet, I feel exhausted and tired and end up going back to old eating habits.
And then there is the sobriety. I’m getting sick of hearing about all of these supposed miracles that are going to somehow happen. And I’m really getting a kick of everyone encouraging me and saying things like, “There’s no promise life will be easier, but at least you’re sober.” Fuck that! That’s the lamest encouragement ever, if you ask me – “Hey, life sucks and at least you can be totally aware of it” is how it registers in my mind. From a logical standpoint, I completely recognize that my thinking is fucked up, but it’s where I’m at today.
There is so much else I can whine and complain about, but the reality is that I’m fucking sick of doing that too. I’ve never been the kind of person to bitch and whine about things anyways, so the past few years of doing it is kind of irritating to me. And I’m about to send Hilda off a cliff, simply because I find her to be an irritating bitch.
I think…I just want a spark. I just want a flicker of inspiration to grasp me and pull me in and make me full of joy and happiness. Is that too much to ask?
69th day of sobriety; I won’t drink today.