I recognize it: I’m stuck.

It’s mental.

It’s always mental, isn’t it?

For some reason, I am feeling like nothing really changes. For some reason, I can’t find the way through, around, over, under or simply remove the mental barriers I have in achieving the things I want to do in life. But, I find myself becoming discouraged, hopeless, or simply bored with the efforts. I’ve been here before – numerous times. I just don’t know what it is about feeling this way. I don’t feel down, but I don’t feel up either. I feel…meh, whatever.

I also know this is a danger spot for me in my sobriety. I’ve been here before a few times in the past few years, trying to achieve the “magical” 90 days of sobriety. I understand that right now, today, is the moment that matters. I have to maintain working on the behaviors of change, but I’m becoming bored and disinterested because there are things in life I want for myself. And if feel like everything is in the way.

Then, I stop and look and try to identify those things that are hindering me. And I notice everything is an excuse. But, I can’t find a way out of the inescapable feeling of monotony. I’m not making progress in any area of my life and I feel like a major upheaval is in order to jump start something – anything. I’m just tired, bored, discontent, and feeling like…

…there is no point…

Maybe that’s it?  I don’t mean it from the standpoint of wanting life to be over and done with, but more that it really doesn’t matter what I do, this is my life. This boring, blah, mundane existence is utterly pointless and the striving to get ahead is a never-ending hill of constant struggle. And I feel like stopping.

What if I just stayed on this portion of the hill? Would I be able to stabilize everything? I mean, I’ll never get my debts paid off. I am beginning to doubt that I’ll ever find financial success. And my health?  Ugh…I went to a taekwon-do class the other night and I couldn’t throw a kick, if my life depended on it – a pathetic attempt at trying to see if I can get back into shape.  And when I try to diet, I feel exhausted and tired and end up going back to old eating habits.

And then there is the sobriety. I’m getting sick of hearing about all of these supposed miracles that are going to somehow happen. And I’m really getting a kick of everyone encouraging me and saying things like, “There’s no promise life will be easier, but at least you’re sober.”  Fuck that!  That’s the lamest encouragement ever, if you ask me – “Hey, life sucks and at least you can be totally aware of it” is how it registers in my mind. From a logical standpoint, I completely recognize that my thinking is fucked up, but it’s where I’m at today.

There is so much else I can whine and complain about, but the reality is that I’m fucking sick of doing that too. I’ve never been the kind of person to bitch and whine about things anyways, so the past few years of doing it is kind of irritating to me. And I’m about to send Hilda off a cliff, simply because I find her to be an irritating bitch.

I think…I just want a spark. I just want a flicker of inspiration to grasp me and pull me in and make me full of joy and happiness. Is that too much to ask?

69th day of sobriety; I won’t drink today.

22 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. I can relate to this SO much. Even though I almost have 7 years without a drink, not working a proper program and being in MY will has been to my detriment. I hope you find that spark so much sooner than I did. I found it but lost it and I’m trying to get it back. Take care of yourself and know you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear TAC. Love your honesty. This is just a whim of a thought but maybe you’ll like this podcast I heard today. It’s two guys I don’t know interviewing each other about books and using quite “raw” language (sensitive listeners beware) but they hit all the existential topics. Also one of the guys is recovering from alcohol and other addictions. It’s Matt Whiteside, his brand-new podcast is called “UniWeb Production Presents – First Draft/This Won’t Work” and he interviews “Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha” (a.k.a. Kent Wayne) who is the author of a series of books called Echo. Both are bloggers on WP if you don’t know them already. Mr. Sci-Fi Buddha “likes” some of my posts so that’s how I came to listen to it today. I’m not much of a sci-fi reader (I’m a huge wimp when it comes to scary stuff and/or graphic violence) but I loved this interview! “Part 1 Interview with Kent Wayne – Feb 26” or you can find the post that led me to it here:

    Sending big hugs. Stay strong, you can totally do this! 💛69 days is nearly three-quarters to 90. (I think. Math isn’t my strongest suit. ;)) 😘😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wrapping you in a giant hug my friend. It was a bad day and I hear you. I can relate to much you say, but I also know that not all days are equal. We both have fallen many times and sometimes it’s a bitch to get back up, but guess what? We have each time we’ve fallen and we are here to fight another day, no matter how pointless and irritating it all seems at times. I believe in you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Totally feel you right now. The shittiness of the crap parts of life are nothing compared to “meh” of life. At least there are exciting moments in despair spurring us to repair and resolutions. The lack of direction and motivation creates an attitude of it’s “not going anywhere”. I’ve been there so many times and my guess is, will be again. It’s a part of the process to get to the other side of whatever is holding me back. Helpful is trusting your inner spark you’ve buried deep down but also having true friends taking a human version of a cattle prod to you to release it. Good on you for 69 days. ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

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