Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a friend on Twitter about being bisexual and being married. The conversation began, because I ran into someone yesterday – a guy – that I found absolutely mesmerizing and I had a definitive physiological reaction to him (if you catch my drift). I had made a comment about it on Twitter that initiated the conversation we had about my marriage and being bisexual.  Some may not know, but there is a term for the kind of marriage I have and it’s commonly referred to as a mixed-orientation marriage, since my wife is straight and I’m bisexual.

Well, my friend had inquired about my wife allowing me to have sex with guys. And, the reality, in our marriage, is that there is an expectation of monogamy. Although, we have had multiple times we have separated, and I came dangerously close to finding someone else, we have not made a practice of having relationships outside of our marriage.  Granted, the conversation about an open-marriage has come up between my wife and I before, but we have never gone beyond talking about it.  My wife has a fear that she would be replaced, or I would prefer someone other than her. And, truthfully, I love my wife and I do not want her to have to worry about something like that.

My Twitter friend had mentioned that if she were married to a bisexual man, she would want him to fulfill his needs. The reality is, of course, that I do suppress those distinct needs – because a man has one thing a woman doesn’t, obviously. And, I have never really thought it was a good idea to have a male lover outside of the marriage, if it were to create a rift in my marriage.  Ultimately, the conversation with my friend had created a bit of a desire in myself with the idea that  maybe I should explore this part of myself a little more.

Obviously, I have had some experience, but I have not had as much experience with guys as I have had with women. And I ponder this sometimes, but I ponder it only when
I think my marriage is over. I hadn’t really thought about being open in my marriage and remain committed to my wife while engaging in playful sex with guys I meet. I think I will remain monogamous, but sometimes I contemplate this…

But should I?

32 thoughts on “Exploration

  1. Not everyone is built for an open marriage but I am thankful that my husband thinks everyone is entitled to do what makes them happy. For me, denying something I want ultimately means that I’m denying a bit of happiness for myself. That’s my two cents. ((hugs))

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  2. I think it is a tough situation to be in and you will always be a little restless about it, or perhaps torn. There are two sides you want to honor, perhaps leaving you feel stuck at times. There is no advice to give my friend and all you can do is listen to your heart. There will always be “what if’s” but what are the consequences either way? Big hug

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  3. Don’t understand the ideal of an “open marriage” or an “open relationship.” Is it a North American thing?
    What is the point of being with someone if you aren’t into the relationship truly. madly deeply?
    Respect and trust needs to be there as well as love. You have that already. Why ruin a beautiful thing?
    If you are content within yourself first, that will make it easier to be content with your relationship. Easier said than done I know.
    It all comes down to what is important for you in your life. Only you can decide that.

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    1. I couldn’t tell you where the concepts of open relationships have originated, and I have never been one to think they are a successful option for many couples – I often believe the reality of life is far different than the fantasy people create in their minds.
      For me, this topic is really one of interest and not one of action…

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  4. Gosh I would never tell someone what to do because how you travel your life is up to you. Speaking for myself I consider myself bi but I am not in a relationship. I really hope that if I do meet someone that would become either my wife or my husband that we would join as one. I think once I find the one that’s it and we would find ways to fulfill each others needs together.

    This is your journey and no one but you knows what is right for you. XOX

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    1. Wendy, I always appreciate your advice. Let me assure you (or myself, maybe…lol), I am making no plans to engage in activities outside of my marriage. It was a light-hearted conversation I had with someone that provoked the thought.
      Also, being new in sobriety, making any changes to my relationship status seems like a self-defeating endeavor and I take to hear the fact that relationships are the hardest things we do. Ultimately, as tough as I find it at times, my truest desire in a relationship is to make my wife happy and I can’t imagine intentionally doing something that would put that at risk.

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      1. For me, I had same-sex experiences before I married. In fact, my first sexual experience was with a male friend of mine. But growing up, no one ever talked about sexuality – you were either straight or gay and it was frowned upon to be gay. I knew I wasn’t gay, because I liked girls a lot, but I didn’t understand why I liked boys. I suppressed that aspect of myself for many years.

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  5. Should you? There’s no tougher question to answer; one moment you know for a fact that you should and the next, nah, ain’t worth the hassle. A lot of bi guys and gals ask this question and wind up stuck in place. Marriage and monogamy makes us pledge to do our best for each other no matter what but, obviously, that’s not as true as it’s made out to be and more so when we tend to deny our partner the things they need in their life than we do supply it for their happiness and our own.

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      1. Interesting and important, too. Simplification makes sense – don’t make shit any harder than it has to be – but is also the most difficult thing to do in this situation. It’s not that you don’t know exactly how you could simplify things for yourself if you were free to… but, as many bisexuals discover, you’re more likely to do your partner’s bidding and despite the illogical position they’ve taken. It doesn’t take a mental giant to understand that having a bisexual in the mix presents a certain situation that, again, logically, must be dealt with and positively; otherwise, there will be trouble in River City… but when the partner holds on to the tenets of monogamy and in the face of it’s many flaws, well, what a lot of bisexuals find is that it’s not worth rocking the boat any more than it’s been rocked so deferring to the objecting partner “makes sense” while leaving one feeling empty, unfulfilled and defeated.

        It’s enough to drive someone to drink – and I’m not making a joke here.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. I am in a similar situation. I am a female in a decade long relationship, 3 years married with my husband. I found myself recently finding it harder to suppress my feelings towards same sex, but an open marriage is off the table completely for him, and I am not completely comfortable with the idea either. I feel almost guilty sometimes, like I want to have my cake and eat it too. But it is getting to the point that sex between my husband and I is difficult. This is new territory in my bisexual life. I will be following!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, for the follow. It’s a rough situation at times, and I have noticed with myself that there are various ups and downs in my attractions and desires. It’s almost a dichotomy at times, for sure!


      1. I have noticed that as well. My attraction to one or the other ebbs and flows at different times for sure. Makes it for rough waters to guide through, and in my community there isn’t anyone that I have found in my situation. Hence I found myself here on WP. Thanks for the reply!

        Liked by 1 person

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