I had a surprise attack from Hilda this morning and it took me by surprise. It was ugly and horrible and really severe and yet it seemed to have dissipated as I began getting involved in something. And, I’m chalking this up to a slight won today, because I’m choosing to have Hilda walk on ahead without me. I don’t want her, nor do I need her.
The past couple of days have been particularly tough in dealing with my fears of financial insecurity and seeing people I know enjoying vacations didn’t help me either. It reinforced how financially fucked up I really am, because I can’t take vacations – Hell, I can barely enjoy a damned latte. It’s no secret that I have absolutely no financial security right now, but I have been living each day as it comes, so that I might find the patience and commitment to succeed in the long run. I’ve been trying to find a place of acceptance of my situation and didn’t realize how much I had deceived myself until Hilda struck at me today.
Well, today, I woke up with a thought:
“I don’t want to live anymore.”
It wasn’t subtle and I could feel it traverse my mind and body. It’s a sunken feeling that I have fully recognized as Hilda’s powerful sword of irrationality that can strike a severe negative discourse through my skull. But as soon as it ran through me, it was gone.
I didn’t do anything. I didn’t sit and write any gratitude lists. I didn’t pray. I didn’t ask for help. I don’t understand what even occurred. Maybe a sense of self-preservation overrode that sense of desolation that Hilda had tried to give me.
What I know is that I haven’t given up.
I don’t have any answers or solutions to my problems, but I have not given up.
Day 82 of sobriety.