Quick & Fierce

I had a surprise attack from Hilda this morning and it took me by surprise. It was ugly and horrible and really severe and yet it seemed to have dissipated as I began getting involved in something. And, I’m chalking this up to a slight won today, because I’m choosing to have Hilda walk on ahead without me.  I don’t want her, nor do I need her.

The past couple of days have been particularly tough in dealing with my fears of financial insecurity and seeing people I know enjoying vacations didn’t help me either. It reinforced how financially fucked up I really am, because I can’t take vacations – Hell, I can barely enjoy a damned latte.  It’s no secret that I have absolutely no financial security right now, but I have been living each day as it comes, so that I might find the patience and commitment to succeed in the long run.  I’ve been trying to find a place of acceptance of my situation and didn’t realize how much I had deceived myself until Hilda struck at me today.

Well, today, I woke up with a thought:

“I don’t want to live anymore.”

It wasn’t subtle and I could feel it traverse my mind and body. It’s a sunken feeling that I have fully recognized as Hilda’s powerful sword of irrationality that can strike a severe negative discourse through my skull. But as soon as it ran through me, it was gone.

I didn’t do anything. I didn’t sit and write any gratitude lists. I didn’t pray. I didn’t ask for help. I don’t understand what even occurred. Maybe a sense of self-preservation overrode that sense of desolation that Hilda had tried to give me.

What I know is that I haven’t given up.

I don’t have any answers or solutions to my problems, but I have not given up.

Day 82 of sobriety.

 

7 thoughts on “Quick & Fierce

  1. Please don’t ever give up. You are such a kind a lovely soul, the world needs you! Do anything rather than give up. I once felt the same way. I told myself it would make more sense to literally run away — as in with a hobo bag — than give up completely. That helped — to know that I was not actually trapped but just trapped in my own head. Also, every single negative thought I had I replace with it’s positive opposite, starting then. I keep forgetting to do that but it does help. It feels unreal at first and it’s basically faking it but yes, in the practice of positive thoughts, we can in fact fake it till we make it. Thanks a lot for sharing here and I hope you don’t mind my comments. Sending lots of love, xoxo n

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you choose to keep fighting. There are these days that will come and reappear but don’t ever listen to them. The value in life is to keep fighting for moments which make it all worth it. ((hugs)) I’m proud of you getting to 82 days. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think it’s uncommon to have those thoughts.
    I have them. My life has been turned upside down and some days it just feels too hard. I honestly don’t want to go on.
    But that thought passes and the next thing I know there is a beautiful sunrise or a cup of coffee and I am sighing at the gift of life.

    I try not to get too caught up in either, and to notice them both.

    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

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