WARNING: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
It’s a word that comes to mind every single time I happen to contemplate my sexuality or my sexual experiences. For example, there are times I feel the need to discuss something or share something that I think is relevant to the discovery of my sexual nature, but instantly I am filled with doubt.
I’m well aware that a lot of my apprehension has to do with my pre-conceived notions of what people find acceptable, but I also have this idea that there are people out there that respect me and I respect them that might find the things I write about to be too much for them. I recognize that I put importance on other people’s thoughts of me. But sometimes, I also feel the need to express myself, from a sexual point of view.
Today was one of those days, because I was seeing a hashtag on Twitter that reminded me of the very first time I used a sexual toy. And, it brought me back to the time I used it and found…
…how much I enjoyed it and it left me wanting the real thing.
And, yet, I feel apprehension to discuss it. I feel compelled to censor myself somewhat. And it’s sort of dealing with this irrational fear that people would lose respect for me by discussing it and then there is another part of me that says that it’s a mundane topic and that nobody will even care about it.
But, here I am with my pulse quickened, my breathing deepened, my mouth drier than it was before writing this entry. The apprehension I’m feeling has an element of arousal to it. It reminds me of all the various times I was apprehensive about doing the sexual things I wanted to do, but too worried about what others thought of me – or worse, what I thought of myself. But the arousal is keen, at the moment, and it has me in complete amorous desire.
And it feels like an itch in need of scratching.
Fantasy has always been a powerful tool for me. I’ve used visualization in so many different ways, that it is no surprise to me that a sexual fantasy can feel so real to me. And at this moment, as I remember the sexual encounters I have had that gives me this heightened sense of arousal from my fantastical thoughts, I feel a disappearance of my guard. My inhibitions feel like they are drifting away and my fantasies are feeling so real.
But, I am still quite aware of the apprehensions that have the power to stop it all…