Today, I hit 90 days of continued sobriety. It literally marks the longest I have gone without having a beer for the past 10 years. Granted, I haven’t been drunk in a long time, but I was rather attached to my daily beer (or 6) for a long time. It had become a crutch in dealing with my life’s problems. But today, I have gone a complete three months without drinking a drop of alcohol.
For some reason, I assumed when I hit this day I would be feeling some sort of gleeful joy, but I don’t. It feels normal, like any other day. I thought I would wake up feeling like I somehow accomplished the impossible and feeling like I overcame some major obstacle in life. And worse yet, I almost feel guilty that I don’t feel this way. I’m not so sure this is how I’m supposed to feel.
I am working the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program with a sponsor and attending meetings when I can. It’s not been the perfect, textbook, way of recovery but I am working it. I find myself feeling like it’s a dry and uninspiring mode of fixing my problems, but other times, I feel really in-depth and focused on recovery. I receive all of the reassurance from my sponsor that I’m right where I am supposed to be – which is in the midst of working on Step 4, so I take some comfort that I’m doing things right. But, at the same time, I get the distinct feeling that something is missing in my life.
Sometimes, I consider my depression and anxiety and ponder if this apathetic feeling I’m having is related. But then, I also realize that I still have all of the problems I used to have and that I am facing them with a sober mind now, so maybe it is just the stress of everything that is making life real.
Yes, maybe it’s the realness of everything.
Maybe it’s knowing that the only way to deal with life is by facing it. Maybe it’s the realization that I used to be able to do that. I used to be engaged, active… Actually, I used to be proactive in how I handled life. It could be the realization that getting sober didn’t make my problems disappear, but alcohol isn’t clouding my mind. And the feelings have returned and that reminds me of the realness and rawness of life.
And this rawness is a reminder that the demons are still present. The tug of temptation is on the periphery of my mind. It begs of me to have another sip, another drink. The nagging voice inside my head that wants me to have just one beer. “One beer won’t hurt” reverberates in my head, when I experience those feelings of overwhelming challenges in my life. The financial problems. The relationship problems. The health problems. The self-esteem problems. Those things seem to be there in perpetuity, and the tool I am quipped with is spiritual.
I’ve tried establishing a contact with God again. I’m still struggling with this, and I am far from perfect. But I am working on it and I am trying to make a conversation with God to be a daily endeavor. I pray for serenity in my spirit. I pray that I lessen my willpower. I pray for another day of sobriety. I try and thank God for the blessings I do see in my life. And I try and work towards a sense of acceptance of all the things I cannot control.
It’s not easy.
I won’t lie.
But here I am…
…at 90 days.