90 Days

Today, I hit 90 days of continued sobriety. It literally marks the longest I have gone without having a beer for the past 10 years. Granted, I haven’t been drunk in a long time, but I was rather attached to my daily beer (or 6) for a long time. It had become a crutch in dealing with my life’s problems. But today, I have gone a complete three months without drinking a drop of alcohol.

For some reason, I assumed when I hit this day I would be feeling some sort of gleeful joy, but I don’t. It feels normal, like any other day.  I thought I would wake up feeling like I somehow accomplished the impossible and feeling like I overcame some major obstacle in life. And worse yet, I almost feel guilty that I don’t feel this way. I’m not so sure this is how I’m supposed to feel.

I am working the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program with a sponsor and attending meetings when I can. It’s not been the perfect, textbook, way of recovery but I am working it.  I find myself feeling like it’s a dry and uninspiring mode of fixing my problems, but other times, I feel really in-depth and focused on recovery. I receive all of the reassurance from my sponsor that I’m right where I am supposed to be – which is in the midst of working on Step 4, so I take some comfort that I’m doing things right.  But, at the same time, I get the distinct feeling that something is missing in my life.

Sometimes, I consider my depression and anxiety and ponder if this apathetic feeling I’m having is related. But then, I also realize that I still have all of the problems I used to have and that I am facing them with a sober mind now, so maybe it is just the stress of everything that is making life real.

Yes, maybe it’s the realness of everything.

Maybe it’s knowing that the only way to deal with life is by facing it. Maybe it’s the realization that I used to be able to do that. I used to be engaged, active… Actually, I used to be proactive in how I handled life. It could be the realization that getting sober didn’t make my problems disappear, but alcohol isn’t clouding my mind. And the feelings have returned and that reminds me of the realness and rawness of life.

And this rawness is a reminder that the demons are still present. The tug of temptation is on the periphery of my mind. It begs of me to have another sip, another drink. The nagging voice inside my head that wants me to have just one beer. “One beer won’t hurt” reverberates in my head, when I experience those feelings of overwhelming challenges in my life. The financial problems. The relationship problems. The health problems. The self-esteem problems. Those things seem to be there in perpetuity, and the tool I am quipped with is spiritual.

I pray.

I’ve tried establishing a contact with God again. I’m still struggling with this, and I am far from perfect. But I am working on it and I am trying to make a conversation with God to be a daily endeavor. I pray for serenity in my spirit. I pray that I lessen my willpower. I pray for another day of sobriety. I try and thank God for the blessings I do see in my life. And I try and work towards a sense of acceptance of all the things I cannot control.

It’s not easy.

I won’t lie.

But here I am…

…at 90 days.

 

32 thoughts on “90 Days

  1. Do not refer to things you used to do. Stay in the moment. If you want to sleep, sleep. You have energy? Walk… Need to bitch? Publish a post or write in a journal… Stay in the moment. It is all you have. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. I couldn’t get sober for years because each time I thought it was supposed to feel a certain way and it didn’t, I’d drink. No to recovery steps look the same. My plan looks totally different from yours but it works for me. What’s important is you are keeping in touch with an accountability partner (sponsor). Let them guide you and drop the idea recovery looks a certain way. And congrats! That’s a big deal to not have a drink for 90 consecutive days. Like, really but unfortunately there are no balloons because it is only us who notice. Accept that and you’ll not drink again. I am proud of you.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I felt much the same way as you in my first 9 months, my turning things over to God (even tho I still take things back because He is not moving the way I want lol).Life is slowily becoming better. I had a lot of trauma to deal with, my wife had an affair, divorced me and left without even a goodbye. my dog died Thanksgiving day, mom in hospice, whole family rejected me, Christmas day my friend comitted suicide. But thru it all I did not drink even tho at times that little voice said “see, no one cares about you, your unlovable, go ahead and have one, you deserve the warm comfort I will give you” I did not succumb even tho it was so hard. I cried, I sobbed, I hurt, but kept going to meetings and shared with whoever would listen. Slowly peace started to envelop me, I am not where I want to be but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not an oncoming train! It’s the pasture of serenity I see and I keep walking towards with the simple goals of being a good man, and to learn to help others with no thought of repayment, I hope you keep going towards that light, I hope you find peace away from the soul sucking of alcohol, I hope you grow and I hope you find true happiness with someone But It will not happen if you use, you will lose everything up to and including your life. Hang tough and don’t forget to ask for help you CAN do this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are amazing!!! This isn’t an easy feat I’m sure, so you should totally be proud of yourself (Maybe getting a reward in the form of a dessert would be good?!). Congratulations and keep up the good work! I can’t imagine how much willpower this must take, but I think you will be blessed in more ways than one from all of this.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I can’t even like that comment 😢 I am so sorry you are struggling my friend and I totally get it. Maybe throw other things in the mix try reading Allan Carr’s easy way to give up drinking. Listen to the CD that comes with it (the audio is on his website as well but you really need to read the book first). I can’t remember who wrote it right now but I also read the book Rational Recovery and that helped me. For me it was a case of just keep going and trying different things. There is no one solution that fits all (sorry all you AA supporters great it worked for you but that wasn’t the path that was for me). Sending you a big hug Kia Kaha my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. 90 days is an amazing accomplishment. I have found that it’s important to speak to my sponsor about whatever I’m feeling. I also have a large network of other men to call upon whenever that inner chatter pops up. In fact, my men’s group requires that I make at least 2 program calls a day. Finally, service is crucial in helping us get out of ourselves.
    One day at a time
    In fellowship
    Moshe

    Like

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