I made it 99 days (this past Saturday), before I decided to drink a beer. I went to dinner with my wife, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a beer. I drank one beer with dinner. I felt guilty, but I felt guilty because I felt like I would be letting AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) members down. I don’t feel guilty that I’m doing something to myself.
I didn’t feel any urge to continue drinking. It was one beer that tasted good while I ate a steak and creamed spinach. My wife and I continued our date that night and attended a comedy club, where I ordered iced tea. I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wasn’t craving any more beer. Everything felt fine.
Obviously, this has me questioning if I am an alcoholic. What if I am not? What if I simply found that alcohol was giving me the superficial crutch of dealing with some major life issues? I have not doubted suffering from depression before. God knows, I’ve had some challenges in life that has forced me to question everything I believe about life. So, is it reasonable to think I might actually be “normal”?
Or have I convinced myself of something that isn’t true at all? I have often heard that a normal person doesn’t question themselves. It’s been pointed out to me that a person who doesn’t have a problem with drinking doesn’t find themselves in positions of having to control their drinking. I get it. I understand the logic behind that statement, but sometimes I ponder if we don’t, as human beings, do those things with other things. Shouldn’t we be careful how much chocolate cake we consume, for example?
Granted, I haven’t spoken with my sponsor about this, but I’m also beginning to get irritated with the 12-Step program of AA. I had begun to work on my fourth step a few weeks ago, and then things dropped off. My sponsor got busy, I got busy and it seems less important to me to address now. I’m already aware of my character flaws and I don’t see the point of revisiting them. I’ve never been against recognizing when I’ve done something wrong and making amends for my wrongdoings – this is already a part of my character principles. And, honestly, I don’t particularly want to go through a “sex-inventory” with anyone.
My sponsor tried calling yesterday, I’m sure to try and reconnect to continuing the step-program. I ignored the call, because I haven’t decided how to tell him I’m not interested anymore. I have no issues with my sponsor; he strikes me as a decent person and someone interested in truly helping someone interested in fixing a problem dealing with alcohol, but I’m just not sure anymore.