I had a beer…

I made it 99 days (this past Saturday), before I decided to drink a beer. I went to dinner with my wife, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a beer. I drank one beer with dinner. I felt guilty, but I felt guilty because I felt like I would be letting AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) members down. I don’t feel guilty that I’m doing something to myself.

I didn’t feel any urge to continue drinking. It was one beer that tasted good while I ate a steak and creamed spinach. My wife and I continued our date that night and attended a comedy club, where I ordered iced tea.  I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wasn’t craving any more beer. Everything felt fine.

Obviously, this has me questioning if I am an alcoholic. What if I am not? What if I simply found that alcohol was giving me the superficial crutch of dealing with some major life issues?    I have not doubted suffering from depression before. God knows, I’ve had some challenges in life that has forced me to question everything I believe about life. So, is it reasonable to think I might actually be “normal”?

Or have I convinced myself of something that isn’t true at all? I have often heard that a normal person doesn’t question themselves. It’s been pointed out to me that a person who doesn’t have a problem with drinking doesn’t find themselves in positions of having to control their drinking. I get it. I understand the logic behind that statement, but sometimes I ponder if we don’t, as human beings, do those things with other things. Shouldn’t we be careful how much chocolate cake we consume, for example?

Granted, I haven’t spoken with my sponsor about this, but I’m also beginning to get irritated with the 12-Step program of AA. I had begun to work on my fourth step a few weeks ago, and then things dropped off. My sponsor got busy, I got busy and it seems less important to me to address now. I’m already aware of my character flaws and I don’t see the point of revisiting them. I’ve never been against recognizing when I’ve done something wrong and making amends for my wrongdoings – this is already a part of my character principles. And, honestly, I don’t particularly want to go through a “sex-inventory” with anyone.

My sponsor tried calling yesterday, I’m sure to try and reconnect to continuing the step-program.  I ignored the call, because I haven’t decided how to tell him I’m not interested anymore. I have no issues with my sponsor; he strikes me as a decent person and someone interested in truly helping someone interested in fixing a problem dealing with alcohol, but I’m just not sure anymore.

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5 thoughts on “I had a beer…

  1. I have the feeling you are afraid of being judged. You owe it to your sponsor (and to yourself) to come clean. We are all only as sick as our secrets. It’ll nag at you until you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If I were you, as hard as it is, I’d call my sponsor and tell him you had a beer, and how you feel.
    I had to do that 2 times.
    Joyce is right, I had to be brutally honest with myself.
    Hiding meant I was feeling guilty.
    You can leave the program, or just go to meetings and hold off on that step for awhile.
    The one thing my 4 th step inventory taught me was my patterns.. how selfish I was thinking people should invite me, etc. I realized the world does not revolve around Wendy.
    My sex part taught me how impulsive I was.
    Whatever you decide, be sure you stay honest with yourself!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  3. On other comment…your post sounds like you are blaming your sponsor for your problems. It might be worth considering this…

    Sorry to be blunt. I couldn’t think of a gentler way to word this.

    Like

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