I had a beer…

I made it 99 days (this past Saturday), before I decided to drink a beer. I went to dinner with my wife, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a beer. I drank one beer with dinner. I felt guilty, but I felt guilty because I felt like I would be letting AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) members down. I don’t feel guilty that I’m doing something to myself.

I didn’t feel any urge to continue drinking. It was one beer that tasted good while I ate a steak and creamed spinach. My wife and I continued our date that night and attended a comedy club, where I ordered iced tea.  I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wasn’t craving any more beer. Everything felt fine.

Obviously, this has me questioning if I am an alcoholic. What if I am not? What if I simply found that alcohol was giving me the superficial crutch of dealing with some major life issues?    I have not doubted suffering from depression before. God knows, I’ve had some challenges in life that has forced me to question everything I believe about life. So, is it reasonable to think I might actually be “normal”?

Or have I convinced myself of something that isn’t true at all? I have often heard that a normal person doesn’t question themselves. It’s been pointed out to me that a person who doesn’t have a problem with drinking doesn’t find themselves in positions of having to control their drinking. I get it. I understand the logic behind that statement, but sometimes I ponder if we don’t, as human beings, do those things with other things. Shouldn’t we be careful how much chocolate cake we consume, for example?

Granted, I haven’t spoken with my sponsor about this, but I’m also beginning to get irritated with the 12-Step program of AA. I had begun to work on my fourth step a few weeks ago, and then things dropped off. My sponsor got busy, I got busy and it seems less important to me to address now. I’m already aware of my character flaws and I don’t see the point of revisiting them. I’ve never been against recognizing when I’ve done something wrong and making amends for my wrongdoings – this is already a part of my character principles. And, honestly, I don’t particularly want to go through a “sex-inventory” with anyone.

My sponsor tried calling yesterday, I’m sure to try and reconnect to continuing the step-program.  I ignored the call, because I haven’t decided how to tell him I’m not interested anymore. I have no issues with my sponsor; he strikes me as a decent person and someone interested in truly helping someone interested in fixing a problem dealing with alcohol, but I’m just not sure anymore.

13 thoughts on “I had a beer…

  1. I have the feeling you are afraid of being judged. You owe it to your sponsor (and to yourself) to come clean. We are all only as sick as our secrets. It’ll nag at you until you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If I were you, as hard as it is, I’d call my sponsor and tell him you had a beer, and how you feel.
    I had to do that 2 times.
    Joyce is right, I had to be brutally honest with myself.
    Hiding meant I was feeling guilty.
    You can leave the program, or just go to meetings and hold off on that step for awhile.
    The one thing my 4 th step inventory taught me was my patterns.. how selfish I was thinking people should invite me, etc. I realized the world does not revolve around Wendy.
    My sex part taught me how impulsive I was.
    Whatever you decide, be sure you stay honest with yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. On other comment…your post sounds like you are blaming your sponsor for your problems. It might be worth considering this…

    Sorry to be blunt. I couldn’t think of a gentler way to word this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I prefer blunt. But, I assure you, I’m not holding him responsible for my problems. In fact, I’m trying to express that my problems are my problems and I don’t know that sharing them with someone else is going to “fix” me. If it’s work I have to do, then that work should be done by me. At least that’s where my thinking is at…


  4. Whether you are in AA or any other type of program, the work is always on you. Having support to get through it is important. I agree with the previous comments that you should be honest with your sponsor though as I’m sure they are worried about your sobriety. How you ultimately decide to handle what are the problems contributing to your distress which leads to drinking, is frankly your business. There are many people who have beaten their demons without the help of AA, may you be one of them. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on Acquiescent Soul and commented:

    Obviously, I have been here before. Today marks 99 days.
    I want to drink.
    I had another argument with my wife. It’s always the same. I hate myself as a result of our relationship. I want to tell her I’ll be out of her life by next weekend and then just spend the next week drinking myself to oblivion.
    That’s what my dis-ease is telling me. That’s what Hilda is telling me.
    I haven’t done my 4th step yet. I can’t seem to address my two biggest resentments – my wife and myself.
    I have no idea how I’m going to make it. I want to drink. All day yesterday the negativity around me was firing my nerves. I wanted to drink. Then this morning shit happened that is too hard to go into detail as I write this post on my phone. I am dying to go to Old Chicago in three hours when it opens and drink as much beer as I can. The only thought reverberating around my head is how much I want out of my life.
    At this moment, I’m sitting in my car, at a park and going through my old posts trying to find my reason for not drinking. The last time I made it to 99 days – almost 2 years ago – I gave it up on a whim. Today, my thoughts are intentional…


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