WARNING: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
To say I have a vivid imagination when it comes to sex is a huge understatement. I’ve always wondered if I was “normal” based upon the amount of sexual thoughts and fantasies I have. Granted, I’m sure when I was a teenager, my sexual fantasies were on overdrive and I probably undressed several people in my mind throughout the day. What I’ve always found to be weird is that a lot of my fantasies take on themes, and those themes have changed throughout my life. Sometimes these fantasies have been day dreams, sometimes they have been dreams at night, and sometimes they have been passing thoughts when I notice someone I’ve been attracted to.
When I was a lot younger, my sexual thoughts were usually focused on a specific person – such as that hot blonde cheerleader who was a classmate at school. During those times, they seemed absolutely normal, just like a teenaged boy “should” fantasize. I remember the fantasies I would have about different girls, and because I was such a shy kid I never thought I would ever have a chance at dating the girls I fantasized about. So, my sexual escapades were often in bed, at night, with my hand around my own penis. And I always thought I masturbated a lot.
But, I won’t lie, sometimes a few of my fantasies were about guys. But, there usually wasn’t a specific guy. No, my same-sex fantasies were usually more general. And without going into too much detail, I would find ways to simulate sex with a guy and masturbate using my anus and something to simulate a penis. For some reason, these fantasies had an element of needing some realism to them too. Of course, at the time, I also felt like there was no such thing as bisexual and always felt odd that I might be a “fag“. But, then again, something just felt right, even if it also felt wrong. It was a similar feeling I had to my sexual fantasies involving girls.
I remember, as I grew into young adulthood, a lot of my fantasies began taking on a different connotation. They began to take on the aspect of sex with more than one person. And at the time, I had been dating a young woman that she and I were highly sexually experimental. In fact, she and I had two different threesomes involving a different guy, each time. So, a lot of my fantasies were involving threesomes and group sex. She and I also had played “Truth or Dare” with another couple – it didn’t go anywhere with the other couple; but trust me, when I was alone, it happened in my mind and I jerked myself off quite well.
Within a few years, my fantasies began taking on another theme: cuckoldry. Yes, I began fantasizing about my girlfriend cheating on me with other guys. It may have coincided with the fact that my girlfriend had also began to cheat on me. Back then, I felt it was an emotional response to the hurt I was feeling over the whole situation. But the fantasies were extremely intense. Although, that relationship ended, I would eventually get married and these fantasies kept occurring, where I fantasized about my wife cheating in me with other men. There are various aspects to cuckolding, but I probably fantasized about it a lot. Of course, some of these fantasies have had a bisexual aspect to them, as well. And it was during this time, that I also really began to look at myself and come to terms with my own sexuality.
But my fantasies didn’t stop unfolding there. Eventually, they began to change to a BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism) where I would fantasize about being a submissive male to a Dominant Female. Occasionally, I would fantasize about being a Dominant, but overwhelmingly my fantasizes were focused on my own submissive nature. And at that time, I found myself perusing the internet much more than I had, previously, and I began submersing myself into the fantasies and dreams I was having. It felt fulfilling. It felt like my mind explored all aspects of this sort of lifestyle – it wasn’t one that would ever occur in real life, but my mind would traverse it any chance it got.
And, eventually, I began having fantasies about being a woman (not the first time, it has come up). I remember waking up in the middle of the night, sweating and feeling like I was panting from the intense sexual fantasies I was having as if I were a woman having sex with men. I even began having dreams about cross-dressing and dreams about getting a sex change. Some of those felt weird, but oddly, fulfilling at the time. It violated all of my notions of sex and gender, and it had me worried for a time, but I think my sense of the word actually gave me the comfort that fantasy and dreams are nothing more than that.
But, I also felt that my sexual desires and affinities were no longer “bad”. They just were. I still have a lot of fantasies, some more intense than others, but I have also noticed – especially lately – that I am having more hetero-normative fantasies. A lot of my fantasies have also been more focused on my wife too. It all seems to go full circle with me and there is something about it all that feels okay. I know that wasn’t always the case; there were times when my fantasies and dreams would scare the hell out of me. Sometimes they would leave me with a sense of fear that there was some underlying issues I didn’t know how to face.
Of course, I have come to accept that dreams and fantasies are simply normal. They happen. I’m sure there are people out there that have far worse (or better, as the case may be) dreams than I have, and I’m sure there are others who have completely “normal” (whatever that might be) fantasies. This is truly something I used to beat myself up over and tell myself how effed-up I was for dreaming or fantasizing about the things I did, but then again, not everything needs to be made real. Maybe it can be a simple guilty pleasure that really harms no one, huh?