I’m not sure what it is, but I feel myself beginning to drift back into some depressive thoughts and feelings. There isn’t anything triggering it, there is no event going on that is making me feel horrible, but I am beginning to feel those things that indicate some depression coming on again. It’s slow, but it’s building and it has me thinking about the blog I kept previous to this one. It has my pondering the side of myself that I describe as “feminine“.
A few years ago, I was struggling with my self-esteem, my self-identity and the ever-so-prevalent attitude of self-loathing that I had at the time. Obviously, I was going through a lot of things – a failing marriage, lack of human connectivity, a job I felt stuck, crummy health, and so on and so forth. But, I took a lot of relief in blogging about everything I was feeling at that time and one of those aspects of myself that I blogged about was exploring what I felt was a feminine side of my personality.
At the time, I had a follower that had suggested a book to me. And the book was written, focused on women, to help build their self-esteem. It’s actually this book that gave me the idea of creating Hilda as the personification of my inner negative voice. But this book was really helpful in a lot of ways and it helped my identify with myself, helped me be kind to myself and really had some great ideas in facing those negative challenges that weigh on our minds and create a more positive way of dealing with these things. At the time, it allowed me the opportunity identify with Stephanie, as well.
Unfortunately, for me, it becomes very easy for me to sink myself into isolation (an intriguing characteristic associated with alcoholics), and my blog become a bit of an addiction at the time. I felt like I was disappearing and I felt like I was on a dangerous precipice of sinking into a false reality – as if I were wishing for a reality that did not and would not exist. Part of it is because I am a visualizer, and by visualization, I have achieved various successes in life. But, it’s also easy for me to sink into my own daydreams and make-believe stories too. I have always been imaginative and can easily create a story in my mind.
Eventually, I felt like I was creating that false story of being Stephanie in my mind and I felt like I had allowed myself to go too far on my blog. I was beginning to contemplate changing a lot about myself, but on the fringe knowing full well that I wouldn’t ever do anything about anything. But really, I began questioning everything about myself. I began to question to such an extent that I began to loathe myself worse than when I began the process of trying to make myself feel better. Although, I still valued the make believe of my imagination (Trust me, my imagination took me into some extreme places, in my mind and blogging. I won’t go into a lot of detail here, because the details aren’t the point) I also wanted to value who I was in reality. In essence, I began to feel like I was losing myself and I wanted to retain the main essence of who I am.
So, I let it all go and I deleted my blog and intended to never return to that type of thinking. But this weekend, as I began feeling the edge of depression creeping in, I began to think of that book that had helped me and it made me consider reviewing it and reading it again. But, sometimes I think I might get bored with it – much like I became bored with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), much like I became bored with seeing a mental health therapist, much like I became bored with other ways to help myself deal with life.
But I know I’m drifting backwards, I feel myself on a slow decline and it leaves me pondering everything again. And it leaves me asking, yet again:
Who am I?
What’s my purpose?