A couple of weeks ago, I made the decision that I wasn’t an alcoholic. So, I began drinking beer again. I just wanted to be “normal” on some level. I felt like I wasn’t really getting the Alcoholics Anonymous’ (AA) 12-Step Program, because everything I was being told I needed top address about myself – i.e. character flaws – are things I had been doing anyways, without the program. It was beginning to feel like a burden in my life – meetings, reading, working with a sponsor. It all began to feel like another responsibility added on top of my life. I was beginning to get bitter about it and reject it, because it felt like an obligation sucking up time. Time is a precious commodity that I just don’t want to trade too easily.
So, I began drinking beer again, but after this weekend, I felt like I wasn’t really enjoying it. I realize there is a saying in AA that many might assume I was feeling: “A head full of AA and a belly full of booze”. Maybe I was feeling that and maybe I wasn’t. What I do know is that I wasn’t feeling joyful about it. I wasn’t feeling happy or content or “normal”. I haven’t gotten drunk in quite a few years, let alone the past couple of weeks. And I have mentioned in other posts, that I have a lot of the yets of alcoholism. The reality is that I don’t have any of the typically negative consequences that “real” alcoholics have. No, my negative consequences are self-deprecating.
The main aspect of my self-deprecating consequences become obvious, because Hilda is around a lot more. The last couple of weeks has seen me in a really sour mood and my negative-based anxiety is running really high and has caused another onset of depression. I almost sought help last week, because I was feeling really low. And I’m frustrated about everything again. I just feel like I can’t break free from the negativity prison. It’s weighing on me and shrouded my vision with a dark cloud that seems to be draped upon my shoulders. And I feel like shit.
I don’t like feeling like shit.
So, I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic or not, but I know I don’t want to feel like shit. And alcohol makes me feel like shit, so It’s time to go back to trying sobriety again. I’m just not going to drink. But I also want something to change. I need a change in my life. I need some way to be inspired each day and I can’t seem to find it.