I don’t really want to drink anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, I made the decision that I wasn’t an alcoholic. So, I began drinking beer again. I just wanted to be “normal” on some level. I felt like I wasn’t really getting the Alcoholics Anonymous’ (AA) 12-Step Program, because everything I was being told I needed top address about myself – i.e. character flaws – are things I had been doing anyways, without the program. It was beginning to feel like a burden in my life – meetings, reading, working with a sponsor. It all began to feel like another responsibility added on top of my life. I was beginning to get bitter about it and reject it, because it felt like an obligation sucking up time. Time is a precious commodity that I just don’t want to trade too easily.

So, I began drinking beer again, but after this weekend, I felt like I wasn’t really enjoying it. I realize there is a saying in AA that many might assume I was feeling: “A head full of AA and a belly full of booze”. Maybe I was feeling that and maybe I wasn’t. What I do know is that I wasn’t feeling joyful about it. I wasn’t feeling happy or content or “normal”.  I haven’t gotten drunk in quite a few years, let alone the past couple of weeks. And I have mentioned in other posts, that I have a lot of the yets of alcoholism.  The reality is that I don’t have any of the typically negative consequences that “real” alcoholics have. No, my negative consequences are self-deprecating.

The main aspect of my self-deprecating consequences become obvious, because Hilda is around a lot more. The last couple of weeks has seen me in a really sour mood and my negative-based anxiety is running really high and has caused another onset of depression. I almost sought help last week, because I was feeling really low.  And I’m frustrated about everything again. I just feel like I can’t break free from the negativity prison. It’s weighing on me and shrouded my vision with a dark cloud that seems to be draped upon my shoulders. And I feel like shit.

I don’t like feeling like shit.

So, I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic or not, but I know I don’t want to feel like shit. And alcohol makes me feel like shit, so It’s time to go back to trying sobriety again.  I’m just not going to drink. But I also want something to change. I need a change in my life. I need some way to be inspired each day and I can’t seem to find it.

Day 1…

…again…

23 thoughts on “I don’t really want to drink anymore.

  1. Everyone is fighting a battle in their life.
    No one is happy(Exceptions).
    It totally depends on you. How do you want to live?
    But be sure my dear friend we have only one life make it count every moment.
    If things are not okay change it.
    Never give up.
    Whenever you need to talk and feeling low just text me.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think no matter what you struggle with, you need something to inspire you regardless. When life feels monotonous it’s easy to seek distraction that may not be so good for us. Drugs. Alcohol. Binge eating. None is better then the other really. So yes! Find that inspiration to keep your vibration high and your spirits entertained and your mind occupied…you’re an excellent writer.😉 Maybe you should seriously move in that direction? I’m working on a memoir. A little story from a piece of my life. It’s a real challenge lol! But it’s fun too and keeps me in the zone. I get it! I really do. Or maybe another hobby you haven’t touched in a long time? Amazing when we dig deep how we remember the things that brought us joy once upon a time! Find that thing!🤗❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I often have people tell me I should consider exploring more writing. That is sooooo tough for me. I did start writing a short story here on my blog, but I’ve never returned to finish it. Truthfully, I’m very self-conscious about my writing…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No!!! Don’t be. You have the security blanket of anonymity, Linus😉. It’s so freeing…use it and go a little crazy. If here feels to vulnerable then just write for yourself and self publish under a pseudonym. Anything is possible! Clearly you have the gift. Use it! ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I’m pretty much a pseudonym right now. 😀
        But, I might just open up and write more openly…sometimes I wonder if I creep people out or discuss too much information, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter right?

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Loved your post. I felt that way as well, just anxious after drinking. and horribly self-deprecating. And I really appreciated your views on what it was like to be part of AA and have a sponsor since I don’t have that option and sometimes feel like I’m missing out. But maybe I’d feel the same as you.

        I was thinking the same lines as t.dot. I was wondering, have you thought of starting another anonymous blog under a different wordpress user account and email address? Might free you up a little, while still remaining in the blogosphere, if that feels right.

        I also would highly recommend soberandwell.com’s blog. The posts are brief and few and you can read the whole blog in one sitting. What I love is she’s really real but really positive and I feel like it gave me a positive-sobriety mind-model which combatted my negative anxieties quite nicely. Also there’s the book “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace if you haven’t read it already, as an alternative to the AA model of recovery. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Wow! Thanks for the ideas and the perspective. I really appreciate it for sure. I’m pretty open to trying different things, but I think the ultimate thing I want/need is to simply like myself. Ya know?

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Totally. I do know!!! 😊 So probably this won’t mean anything but in case it’s any comfort, I think your writing, your thoughts, your honesty, your kindness and generosity in sharing are all pretty awesome. So you must be awesome too. 👍👌😊

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Lmao…nice. And no it doesn’t matter! If you have a story to tell then tell it. Truth is always more interesting no matter how shocking or naked or “creepy”. Just write damn it! 🤣🤗

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I know exactly what you mean. After I drink, I feel depressed, sad, anxious and like shit. Also, for a long time, I refused to accept that I am an alcoholic, because I only drink on the weekends. But only a crazy person or an alcoholic, would binge drink the way that I do on the weekends. Guess what? I am both.

    If drinking is making you feel like shit about yourself, only you know what you need to do my friend. Keep in mind, that this is coming from a weekend binge drinking alcoholic. :O) Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. They (the guys at my first AA meeting) said, “Give it a year! If you aren’t an alcoholic, a year will be easy. If you are, it will be hell. We will be here for you no matter what.” I was told to get a sponsor, steal a big book, work the steps, get involved and talk with the new guy. I was shaking so bad, scared as hell, that I agreed to the proposal. That was over 30 years ago.

    I didn’t think I was that bad, what I found out during that year was I am a late stage, chronic alcoholic.- drunk or sober. I’m an alcoholic between my ears. The booze makes it worse. My first year was hell and so worth it. If I would have listened to my self-doubt, I would have missed the miracle.

    All I am suggesting is that you give it a year, a day at a time, do everything suggested. Get a crotchety old fart sponsor, take the steps, talk with the new person… On day 366, you can decide whether or not you are an alcoholic.

    What have you got to lose?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It sounds hard, but if I can do it, you can. It’s a canned response, but it is true.

        My sponsor gave me this prayer on a little business card I carry with me. I’ll pass it on to you. It helped me a lot.

        “God, Please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, the Twelve Steps, the Big Book, the meetings, my disease, and you God, so I may have an open mind an a new experience with all these things. Please let me see the truth.”

        Liked by 1 person

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