Last night, Hilda came in like a storm and was on full scale attack. She was seeking, retribution, I’m sure for the effort I put in over the past few months to change myself for the better. Last night, she was seeking out a strong stand to take over my mind and being fully. Ultimately, I was able to battle her off of me, but it wasn’t without damage being done.
I’m not really sure where, when or how she infiltrated my defenses, but she did. I think it began to happen about the time I thought it might be okay for me to drink again. The reality is that as much as I enjoy craft beer, it has a detriment on my existing tendencies to sink into a depressive mood – the kind of thing I have been fighting for a few years. And then the guilt I had, as I tried to consider myself “okay” and “normal”. By the time I realized Hilda’s Trojan Horse had breached the walls, she was implementing her evil plan of self-deprecating feelings. I started down that spiral that I have gone down so many times before and have managed to climb out.
Her attacks were all the typical ones. I began thinking of myself as a loser, again. I began to focus on my failures. I began to see my character flaws in intimate details again. And the same old desire to hide from myself began to surface – the feelings that I would try and drown with alcohol. I was running away from acceptance in my life and running towards avoidance. I even stopped seeking help online, live I’ve done so well over the past few months. And everything culminated last night when I had an evil thought about myself and it’s a direct Hilda Quote: “I’m now, officially, disgusted at what a fat, gargantuan beast I have become.” And I drank a few beers last night. I didn’t get drunk, but I knew what I was trying to do, I was trying to hide how I felt about myself.
But I stopped. I simply decided this was all bullshit. I decided Hilda can fuck all the way off. I didn’t want her inside me anymore. I’m rejecting her today. I’m going to be more positive. Because Hilda is a c-word. I don’t need her, she does nothing for me. I want a positive voice, so maybe I should let Stephanie in more – or some other alter-ego with a positive voice for me. A voice that loves me and advocates for me would be the ideal and the standard I should strive towards. Truthfully, I’m sick of the bullshit I put myself through and it’s tedious, tiring and unhealthy.
I want and seek better for myself. Talking about it won’t do the trick, and it is the platform on which Hilda can make a return. No, it’s time to put things into action and I’m going to do that. I had a set-back, but it’s not my goal to fail. No, I’ll overcome this set-back and I’ll show Hilda she has no lock on me. I’m a strong bitch! I’m gonna be a happy one too!
So, today, I won’t drink (Day 1). Today, I’ll remind myself that I am wonderful, compassionate, loving, kind and strong individual. Today, I’ll say a prayer of gratitude. Today is the only day I need to worry about. Today, I fight and I won’t give up.