Hilda’s Full Scale Attack.

Last night, Hilda came in like a storm and was on full scale attack. She was seeking, retribution, I’m sure for the effort I put in over the past few months to change myself for the better. Last night, she was seeking out a strong stand to take over my mind and being fully. Ultimately, I was able to battle her off of me, but it wasn’t without damage being done.

I’m not really sure where, when or how she infiltrated my defenses, but she did.  I think it began to happen about the time I thought it might be okay for me to drink again. The reality is that as much as I enjoy craft beer, it has a detriment on my existing tendencies to sink into a depressive mood – the kind of thing I have been fighting for a few years. And then the guilt I had, as I tried to consider myself “okay” and “normal”.  By the time I realized Hilda’s Trojan Horse had breached the walls, she was implementing her evil plan of self-deprecating feelings. I started down that spiral that I have gone down so many times before and have managed to climb out.

Her attacks were all the typical ones. I began thinking of myself as a loser, again. I began to focus on my failures. I began to see my character flaws in intimate details again. And the same old desire to hide from myself began to surface – the feelings that I would try and drown with alcohol. I was running away from acceptance in my life and running towards avoidance. I even stopped seeking help online, live I’ve done so well over the past few months.  And everything culminated last night when I had an evil thought about myself and it’s a direct Hilda Quote: “I’m now, officially, disgusted at what a fat, gargantuan beast I have become.” And I drank a few beers last night.  I didn’t get drunk, but I knew what I was trying to do, I was trying to hide how I felt about myself.

But I stopped. I simply decided this was all bullshit. I decided Hilda can fuck all the way off. I didn’t want her inside me anymore. I’m rejecting her today. I’m going to be more positive. Because Hilda is a c-word.  I don’t need her, she does nothing for me. I want a positive voice, so maybe I should let Stephanie in more – or some other alter-ego with a positive voice for me. A voice that loves me and advocates for me would be the ideal and the standard I should strive towards. Truthfully, I’m sick of the bullshit I put myself through and it’s tedious, tiring and unhealthy.

I want and seek better for myself. Talking about it won’t do the trick, and it is the platform on which Hilda can make a return. No, it’s time to put things into action and I’m going to do that. I had a set-back, but it’s not my goal to fail. No, I’ll overcome this set-back and I’ll show Hilda she has no lock on me. I’m a strong bitch! I’m gonna be a happy one too!

So, today, I won’t drink (Day 1). Today, I’ll remind myself that I am wonderful, compassionate, loving, kind and strong individual. Today, I’ll say a prayer of gratitude. Today is the only day I need to worry about. Today, I fight and I won’t give up.

11 thoughts on “Hilda’s Full Scale Attack.

  1. One of the hardest things we all have to do is to decide who we want and need to be and what aspects of our id gets to drive the bus in the majority of times. I think we all have a “Hilda” living with us, that snarky bitch that never hesitates to point out every flaw we have and just keeps bitch-slapping us with a reality we’d rather not pay a lot of attention to.

    Likewise, we also have a “Stephanie” living with us that is quite happy any time we’re not paying any attention to that Hilda biatch since she’s such a party pooper and never likes having anything that looks like fun.

    For you, my friend, it’s clear to me who should be driving your bus in the majority of times… and it ain’t Hilda. The thing is that you can’t get rid of the bitch but you can, if you choose to, put a muzzle on the hussy and send her to her room so Stephanie can drive things undisturbed by Hilda’s disturbing ranting and raving.

    The thing about our inner Hilda is that it’s that part of our mind that, believe it or not, keeps us grounded in reality and, yeah, we often don’t like what she has to say… because it’s usually the truth about us. We should acknowledge this truth by telling our inner Hilda, “Yeah, you’re right… but shut the fuck up; Stephanie’s driving and when she drives, the road isn’t as bumpy as the one you like to travel on so rant and rave all you want and I’ll take what you have to say under advisement and will note it in my log.”

    When you let Hilda run the show, nothing good ever comes from it and if you let her keep hounding you about the shit you already know about, you’re “never” gonna be able to do anything about it to shut the bitch up or, really, give her less shit to be bitching about and you can only do that by letting Stephanie do almost all of the driving and doing more positive things.

    Liked by 2 people

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