To say I am self-conscious about my sexuality is an understatement. I’m utterly aware of it. Sometimes it’s a playful awareness that I make light of with jokes and lighthearted banter with another person online. Other times, I’m painfully aware that I don’t feel like the ideal of what I thought I would be while I was growing up. It seems like the moment, I finally accepted that I am bisexual, it is constantly in my mind. Long before I accepted it, and in the full midst of denial, I was never worried if I had done something “gay” or done something a straight guy wouldn’t do. But ever since I mouthed the words, “I’m bisexual” to myself, it is in the forefront of my mind when in comes to interacting with other people.
For example, yesterday, when I had come across a Twitter account showing some well built, muscular men (and a lot of them were well-endowed too), I posted a Tweet referencing this particular account. I had mentioned that the account had made me want to get back into shape and lift weights again. I readily admitted my attraction to the pictures of some of these men online. After posting it, I felt kinda “stupid”. I mean, on the one hand, would it be any different if I had mentioned physical attraction to female models? It wouldn’t matter. It’s superficial, it isn’t representative of anything other than noting the physical attraction. And I know, there would be no acting on it – I’m in a committed relationship. I wouldn’t cheat, if I thought some women were attractive, so why should I see it differently with men? Truthfully, I know, deep down that it is no different. But my awareness of it, feels almost laced with guilt – as if I’m somehow exposed and naked in front of a crowd of people.
There are other times, I’m extremely aware of my sexuality too. A lot of those have to do with little nuances people say or act, that no one makes a second look or consideration, due to the fact that heterosexuality is normal (I see the word “normal” in mathematical terms, by the way). People tend to act and speak in terms that are relevant to how they see the world and during these times, I wonder if I should be different because I’m bisexual. The reality is that I notice it in my mind, and most people wouldn’t give a second thought about it, because it is not the norm for them. An example of this would be the admiration of someone on a physical level – i.e. a popular actress, if they are male or a popular actor, if they are female. In this example, I almost feel like I should have an example of a male actor I like and a female actress I like (Please excuse the redundancy; I’m just trying to emphasize a point). Is that even important.
I’ve also mentioned before that I sometimes have felt that I struggle in relationships, because there is some sort of inherent disconnect in the relationships I have and the sexual compatibility that needs to exist in a relationship. I’ve questioned, at times, if I have given off some sort of anti-heterosexual vibe that is picked-up unsuspectingly by the woman (I’ve never actually had a same-sex relationship). And I really struggle with this when my marriage (or any relationship) is struggling. I can’t help but think that the ab-normalcy of who I am has an impact on the relationship (because God forbid we have “normal” problems, right?). And sometimes, when things feel stagnant in the relationship, the awareness of my sexuality becomes pretty irrational and extreme.
Granted, I have so many examples of how self-conscious I feel, at times, that it the examples could be written in a huge book. But the last few days, have really made me aware of my sexuality. I’ve had a few different interactions with people, that honestly, left me feeling a bit regretful about myself. This is never good, but I am glad I can come here, write it down, let it out and realize that being self-conscious isn’t an outright horrible thing. I just want to remain positive, live with principle and appreciate that I’m human with human emotions that are neither right nor wrong until acted upon.